Do you know what "letting it ride" means? You are choosing to take the passive route. Would I be wrong by assuming that is your default option?
I suspect you are so clingy to your W and kids b\c of codependency. Have you ever read about this subject? It's nothing to be embarrassed about, and it helps to understand our own weaknesses. We all have weaknesses. My weakness may be your area of strength, and vise versa.
Did you date many girls before meeting your W? Any other long term relationships? Did you have a lot of close friends in school, or mainly just one or two?
When someone has this history of codependency, it is difficult for them to even get out and GAL apart from their family. Nearly every one will use the excuse of not wanting to be away from their kids. It doesn't make them better parents, just clingy ones.
These folks are their own biggest stumbling block.
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My issue is that she is living here but in the other room. We don't have a relationship but she gets some of the benefits of being married. We all have dinner together. We go shopping together. We hang out at night and laugh and talk.
She's not the only one getting benefits. You are, too. Why go shopping together? Why hang out with her at night? I bet she's the one who decides when this happens right? As you said, you miss your W, and you don't want to be lonely. However, are the current actions solving the M problems?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This is 100% my issue. I am lonely because I miss my wife and I don't have much of a life.
I totally understand, man when my W moved out and had the kids for the first time the sense of loneliness was overwhelming. But as I mentioned above, I'm never lonely anymore. In fact I love alone time as I can do what I want to do! You'll get there too, but it takes a while. Be patient with yourself.
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If I get out and do stuff I leave my kids. I don't really want to leave my kids.
You NEED that GAL time. Don't replace your co-dependence on your W with co-dependence on your kids! Even if it's just an hour here and there see if you can carve that time out, it's very important to your recovery.
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I was doing this much better when she was out of the house. Now that she is back I keep falling back into the old way of doing things.
I imagine it's really tough. Once my W left that was it, she never came back. My recovery was a steady progression from there. It seemed horribly slow at times when I was going through it, but looking back it doesn't seem that way. But yeah, you're living it right now and it's no fun at all. Hang in there, you can do this!
Do you know what "letting it ride" means? You are choosing to take the passive route. Would I be wrong by assuming that is your default option?
I suspect you are so clingy to your W and kids b\c of codependency. Have you ever read about this subject? It's nothing to be embarrassed about, and it helps to understand our own weaknesses. We all have weaknesses. My weakness may be your area of strength, and vise versa.
Did you date many girls before meeting your W? Any other long term relationships? Did you have a lot of close friends in school, or mainly just one or two?
When someone has this history of codependency, it is difficult for them to even get out and GAL apart from their family. Nearly every one will use the excuse of not wanting to be away from their kids. It doesn't make them better parents, just clingy ones.
These folks are their own biggest stumbling block.
Quote:
My issue is that she is living here but in the other room. We don't have a relationship but she gets some of the benefits of being married. We all have dinner together. We go shopping together. We hang out at night and laugh and talk.
She's not the only one getting benefits. You are, too. Why go shopping together? Why hang out with her at night? I bet she's the one who decides when this happens right? As you said, you miss your W, and you don't want to be lonely. However, are the current actions solving the M problems?
I read a book on Co-dependency a couple of weeks ago. My wife is very co-dependent and it as her book. I couldn't help be see so much of me in it. It was alarming. I have always been a person with a few very close friends. Never branching out. I went from dating my first wife to dating my second wife very quickly. I know this about me. Breaking the cycle is the hard part.
If I get out and do stuff I leave my kids. I don't really want to leave my kids.
You NEED that GAL time. Don't replace your co-dependence on your W with co-dependence on your kids! Even if it's just an hour here and there see if you can carve that time out, it's very important to your recovery.
Yeah this is the key for me. I am using my kids as the excuse for not going out and doing things. Thank you for this.
Random comments - You and your wife both get something out of living together.
She's the bigger earner, and if the situation were reversed, people would say "she's glad to have you pay the bulk of the bills, have a roof over her head, etc"
So - decide for now, what's okay for you.
okay so what did the lawyer say?
If you did not see a lawyer, I'd be interested in hearing your reasoning. I'm not bashing you but I want to understand your thought process.
As her AP, she chose a high income earner who probably reeks self confidence.
food for thought.??
Also, as for GAL - it's essential - it is mandatory for detachment.
I cannot over emphasize this^^^.
Plus, this is just my opinion, but I've always felt that without any hobbies or interests outside of family, that a person does not bring that much to the table as a partner.
GAL means you are interested in the world, and imo, makes you more interesting.
and it will help YOU.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
If you did not see a lawyer, I'd be interested in hearing your reasoning. I'm not bashing you but I want to understand your thought process.
As her AP, she chose a high income earner who probably reeks self confidence.
food for thought.??
Also, as for GAL - it's essential - it is mandatory for detachment.
I cannot over emphasize this^^^.
Plus, this is just my opinion, but I've always felt that without any hobbies or interests outside of family, that a person does not bring that much to the table as a partner.
GAL means you are interested in the world, and imo, makes you more interesting.
and it will help YOU.
Thanks. You are right. I talked to a lawyer and they said it's my choice. I can just sit tight. When the time comes she will have to pay monthly. So I can just sit and wait for this. The key is going to be that I GAL while waiting. I have been trying to work on this. I do have interests and hobbies but nothing that interests her, but I guess that is not the issue. I need to find some friend and other people that I can spend time with.
is not about her. In fact it does not include her. It's about you expanding your interests and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.
For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winters. I had 3 kids, including a newborn. I had to MAKE time for these, obviously.
(Inertia of some form is the greatest enemy to GAL. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.)
I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.
I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it). I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled). I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too. Very enjoyable.
I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). Later, I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.
I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.
I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.
I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding it.
I Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.
Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. And plan on doing it again, soon
I edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)
I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.
(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their long winters. The inertia was a strong resistance to leaving the home ).
In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.
Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.
Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it).
Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of ignoring them, while on active duty.
(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)
Joined a writer's group Took a class in Conversational French Took a class in Italian cooking
There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.
******
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
