How do I get things right?

[Lovelyp]

Hey, This is going to be very hard for you to hear so I'll only say it once.

But imo, He's using your ONS a year ago, which you confessed, as his justification for affairs with OW. Just had to say it once.

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Thanks for your responses and advice.I appreciate that a lot.
He says I am being selfish because I am worried about just talking with OW when I cheated.He says I have no right to complain about it.

NC is the only thing you can do to protect yourself.

Are you seeing an IC for you? I really hope so

Yes so far I am doing well on NC. I feel so much peace and can concentrate. I have mental clarity and energy I never had for years.

I will start IC sessions after I settle. I will need to make time. I went for MC before but it was not that helpful because I was in denial about so many things, was extremely depressed and forgetful.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi LP

After reading your post it reminded me of the loong contracts done by lawyers where to say yes they need 4 paragraphs. In other words I got lost.

Thank you for taking time to read and responding to my "contract". I apologise for writing too much and not making it easy to read. I will keep improving on that. Thanks.

No need to apologize, Lovely.

What strikes me as confusing is that you seem to inititate sex but I see no comment or mention about other signs of affection. Is sex the only affectionate way you and your husband bond or communicate? Do you hold hands, kiss, send sexy or romantic texts, etc?

Yes, unfortunately for us sex was the only way he liked. Whenever I tried to inititate other ways like holding hands, kissing or sending romantic texts he would quickly stop me. I think he only kissed me very few times after we married and it was all in the first 3 months then he started avoiding. He also doesnt like ti hug, but flowers or cards. I used to do that then stopped due to lack of reciprocity.He doesnt like to hold hands and always makes excuses. Only did when we were dating.

There are times I wear sexy lingeries and try to look sexy and during those times he would tell me that he is regreting marrying me or remembered things I did or said that hurt him in the past. It has been like that for all years of our marriage except the first year maybe.

this is pathology in him, Lovely. You don't control it and you did not cause it. And you cannot fix it.

I told him that I need us to show more affection. His response is that I value things that are not important. He says Iam so spoilt because I used to get too much attention and have too many marriage needs. The other time he proposed that I can feel free to have someone for physical affection that I want too much.

^^^this is just mean behavior.

In some posts your relationship seems like a movie, from soppy "Ghost" to Terminator. Is there a detonator that creates these moods or is it spontaneous explosion.

Lol yes its like that. Sometimes it seems so great and I become hopeful. Then his mood changes. He says he thinks a lot at night and from the time he wakes up things get bad. Inititally he starts to ignore me and go out for walks alone. After a day or sometimes a week of silent treatment h explodes and starts to verbally abuse me. This has been happening for at least 6 years now. He says he has a lot of resentment because I disrespected him. Before the A he would still behave like that and verbally abuse me. Those times I would beg him and pursue him and ask for forgiveness etc.


What if you brought ^^^this with you when you make the appointment with an IC?

I hope you'll go soon. For you. Keep up with the NC, too.

[25yearsmlc]

Dang it, I blew the colors/quotes.

I'll try again


Yes, unfortunately for us sex was the only way he liked. Whenever I tried to inititate other ways like holding hands, kissing or sending romantic texts he would quickly stop me. I think he only kissed me very few times after we married and it was all in the first 3 months then he started avoiding. He also doesnt like ti hug, but flowers or cards. I used to do that then stopped due to lack of reciprocity.He doesnt like to hold hands and always makes excuses. Only did when we were dating.

There are times I wear sexy lingeries and try to look sexy and during those times he would tell me that he is regreting marrying me or remembered things I did or said that hurt him in the past. It has been like that for all years of our marriage except the first year maybe.

all of this^^^ is just crappy h behavior. And since it's been like this for a long time, it's not going to change. What if this is the best it will ever get?



I told him that I need us to show more affection. His response is that I value things that are not important.

this^^^ says so much

He says Iam so spoilt because I used to get too much attention and have too many marriage needs. The other time he proposed that I can feel free to have someone for physical affection that I want too much.


Lol yes its like that. Sometimes it seems so great and I become hopeful. Then his mood changes. He says he thinks a lot at night and from the time he wakes up things get bad. Inititally he starts to ignore me and go out for walks alone. After a day or sometimes a week of silent treatment h explodes and starts to verbally abuse me. This has been happening for at least 6 years now. He says he has a lot of resentment because I disrespected him. Before the A he would still behave like that and verbally abuse me. Those times I would beg him and pursue him and ask for forgiveness etc.


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his behavior has nothing to do with your ONS. Nothing.

In fact it's clearly a great weapon for him to use against you. I'm no shrink but the mood swings and chronic dismissal of your needs/wants is just pathological. So is the use of religion.


Which is not something you can do anything about. Regardless, how do you want to live the rest of your life?

[sandi2]

I know divorce is wrong (I am christian)

It's not unforgivable. Thankfully, our Lord is so much more forgiving than many humans prove to be. You have been living with a man who, by his own admission, does not intend to ever forgive your ONS. That is unfortunate for him.

IMHO, you are currently in a position where you can begin to heal and move forward in building a happier life. Your H sounds as if he has a lot of ill thinking toward you, and I think physical separation was the correct move from you. I agree with 25 that you need to go no contact with him, b\c of his punitive statements and coldness could lead him to mental and emotional abusive tactics. I mean, he has taken his anger out on you for a long time, so he may not want to let go. You are not obligated, in no sense of speaking, to take any type of bullying, threats, stalking, or other bad behavior from him.

I hope you will not take responsibility for his happiness, b\c it's not your job. Focus on yourself and do what it takes for you to find peace and happiness.

((Hugs))

[Lovelyp]

[color:#3333FF]
all of this^^^ is just crappy h behavior. And since it's been like this for a long time, it's not going to change. What if this is the best it will ever get?

Yes seems as if this is the best it will ever get with him. He feels he is a great person. After I started NC he wrote me an email citing my weaknesses and things I need to change. He told me it is all my personal weaknesses that let to the A/ ONS. He says if I had addresses my weaknesses and had friends I will know that there are people with worse marriage problems and they endure. His main message was I should address my weaknesses. He wrote paragraphs. His main message was I drove him to be the person he is because I disrespected him, I am used to getting things easy and dont endure when faced with a challenge. He says our problems were nothing compared to many marriages so I shouldnt feel unhappy. He did not menton any of his weaknesses.
I did not respond to that.

his behavior has nothing to do with your ONS. Nothing.

In fact it's clearly a great weapon for him to use against you. I'm no shrink but the mood swings and chronic dismissal of your needs/wants is just pathological. So is the use of religion.


Which is not something you can do anything about. Regardless, how do you want to live the rest of your life?

I just want to be happy and decided to let go. I will work on myself and kid only. I am feeling better than I had in all years of marriage. I did not realise the pain and stress it was causing me.

[Lovelyp]

It's not unforgivable. Thankfully, our Lord is so much more forgiving than many humans prove to be. You have been living with a man who, by his own admission, does not intend to ever forgive your ONS. That is unfortunate for him.

Yes true the Lord forgives. I tried my best. Over the years I tried working on my marriage, bought books, tolerated a lot and endured. I changed a lot about myself. I was living the way he wants and lost myself. I was so afraid of loosing him and deprived myself happiness. I was trying to cover up the pain by looking like I am happy. Posting photos of us together, complementing him and trying so hard to please him. I compforgot about myself. Imagine always being the one to pursue and beg and trying to make the M work. I will leave and just pray for him otherwise NC continues. I am so proud of myself because for the first time in years I am able to spend a day without contacting him. In the past I would struggle and miss him.

Focus on yourself and do what it takes for you to find peace and happiness.

Thanks I am doing exactly that. I feel so much lighter and better. I know with time I will be happy but for now I feel the peace and have certainity about my life. This marriage had many uncertainities. I would be threatened divorce over and over again and all my energy for years was on stopping it and pleading. I would ask for forgiveness and ask for another chance even though I did not do anything wrong.

[Ginger1]

Lovely P,

I am so so happy you are NC. I said from the beginning to run, and run fast, as I still believe it is what you need to do to escape such an abusive relationship. he is very emotionally abusive and he has been gaslighting you right from the beginning into thinking you are a bad person.

I am a firm believer that there are more ways to be unfaithful in a marriage than sleeping with someone else. he has not been a husband to you at all. he has kept you emotionally captive and afraid.

I am so glad you have found your strength to focus on you and not feel like you are deserving of this awful abusive behavior.

[Lovelyp]

Thanks Ginger. He feels that only PA and sex outside marriage is bad but any other behaviour acceptable.

Yesterday he called and we talked. He sounded very formal and I did too.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Ginger. He feels that only PA and sex outside marriage is bad but any other behaviour acceptable.


Of course that's what he says. YOUR flaws are glaring. His, not so much. He's "just human"...

He has a malignant sense of entitlement. That includes an angry mean side, which you are well familiar with.

Yesterday he called and we talked. He sounded very formal and I did too.

good! When I read your notes from HIS critique of you I shook my head.

What was his goal? Making you miss that??

If you wanted to be belittled, harassed & condescended to, you could have stayed with him.


When you begin to miss him (holidays are coming), read that "love letter" to remind yourself of what an energetic critic he was.


Steel yourself. You remind me of where/when I wish I had awakened and left.

Too many years of me spackling over what I saw or should have seen, b/c I wanted to validate my choice to stay.

And I was afraid. Him forcing my hand is actually a good thing.

Stay strong.