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sandi2 #2764109 10/03/17 12:03 AM
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UPDATE;

We ended up meeting yesterday; I went to her house. W started off with some small talk; trying to be engaging, and I simply was providing precise short answers, without being rude, and keeping my cool. With her noticing my short responses, she started to talk.

- I want to let you know, I cannot remember everything which was discussed, so I will try to do my best.

She started by explaining where she was at from an emotional standpoint; I did not validate, I rather just actively listened to her. She talked for a while explaining her view point and how it was discouraging that I was "doing more of the same" by not actively trying to pursue her the past month. This is when I spoke up; looking back, I probably provided to much information; but I explained how in my mind I was actually doing many things.

I explained I was looking into the past to develop an understanding of where I went wrong in the R/M; so I could work on those things myself. I was not going to push and plead and make empty promises which I have in the past to her; I needed to become the person I need to be in order to be happy in life in general. Here is where I might have going on too long. I explained to her where I thought we both feel short; my self confidence took a back seat to me nice guy attitude which lead to disappointments, which lead to disrespect and to resentment. This all lead to the biggest prob in our M which was lack of intimacy and sex.

I kind of stopped there and let her continue most of the conversation. She brought up things which we had already discussed... Then told me she was mad at my for not trying and did not understand.

I said; Because I have learned things about myself, I realized I will not be in an open relationship; this is one absolute I feel deep in my core now. And also I told her how I never received a complete apology for the EA/possible PA.

I noticed something in her eyes and her body position that was kind of turned on/or taken back at the least.

From that point on in the conversation; she began to cry and explain how she was so regretful and full of guilt; and everyday she battles herself. She asked me what it would take for me to give it another shot; and I said "I am really not sure, because it is not as simple anymore" ---- I said this without seeing Sandi's post (wow)! I explained I would need complete transparency, no contact/number blocking with OM; and time to gain trust back.

She then asked what I would want to see in the next 1 to 3 months if we did reconcile... I did not want to give much here; because I really don't know right now; so I just said "I cannot answer that right now; I would have to think about that".

After that, she showed me a pic of our niece; and said she was kind of emotional drained for the night. I told her it was getting late, I got up, hugged, and left.

I stayed calm, and not so much disinterested; but more unimpressed by her tears. I did find it comforting as she was explaining she was "still here; and was apologetic about acting immature with the ultimatum the past couple weeks"; she admitted it was just to get arousal out of me.

I just blabbed for long enough...one thing she still fears is the lack of physical intimacy. I need to read up on the SSM; and how to overcome this long period.


M:30 W:28
T:9 MR:2.5
NoKids
Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16
Move back in: 1/17
BD: 8/15
She moved out: 9/1
sandi2 #2764116 10/03/17 12:53 AM
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whistle whistle whistle

Well done!

Now, go home and start thinking what else it would take for you to want a reconciliation. What will it take for you to feel safe in a MR with her.

Yes, read the SSM book. From my point of view, when a guy finds his b@lls, it won't take long for nature to take its course. cool




Oh, and I'm not sure I would buy into her excuse of just wanting to get your attention and have you pursue her. If so, guess she sees it didn't work. My point is don't let her twist things and make it your fault for a third person.


Last edited by Cadet; 10/03/17 01:00 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2764208 10/03/17 11:56 AM
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chris19 Offline OP
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Is there anything I need to be doing different at this point in time? Or just maintain my NC/180?


M:30 W:28
T:9 MR:2.5
NoKids
Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16
Move back in: 1/17
BD: 8/15
She moved out: 9/1
chris19 #2764224 10/03/17 05:02 PM
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Just continue to play Mr. Cool Guy. You do not want to rush back into something with her too quickly. Think of what you want if there is a reconciliation.

Here are a few examples:

She agrees to transparency........ You don't warn her or tell her when you will check to see if she is working to earn back your trust. Then some night when she's sleeping or she lays her phone out while she's doing something else.... look at her phone, or some other method. Not every night, but random times. (If she knows in advance, she could delete anything she didn't want you to see). If she is not being honest, it will eventually show up in phone activity, or something else.

She should agree to No secret passwords, deleted messages, etc. No leaving the room or closing doors to talk on the phone, skype, etc.

She should agree to No secret friendships. No friendships with men that exclude the H.

She has to end all manner of contact with OM. Never to contact him again.

Attend MC about the sex problem, and any other issue.

Sleep in the same bed.

If she has been in a sexual affair, you may consider telling her you want her tested for STD.

I'm speaking as a former WW, and these are things that will help her to stay on track.....especially in the early weeks of piecing the M back together. She probably won't be happy about some of them, but if she balks.....you might reconsider how much or how serious she is about doing whatever is necessary to repair the damage done to the M.

Take it slowly. You can respond to some of her texts, as long as she is showing the humble side you saw earlier. However, if she starts that childish stuff again, stop responding. Be cool, calm, and collected, Let her pursue you.

Even if she agrees to your terms, you may want to give her another couple of days to think on it. You don't want to go back to her, only to discover she isn't serious about working on the M.



http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2764413#Post2764413

Last edited by Cadet; 10/05/17 05:30 AM. Reason: Link

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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