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marina7 Offline OP
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Journaling,

Emotional last couple days, So today went to IC did lots of crying of course but my Therapist realized and said I hear you say W,kids and friends but who taking care of you. Well she has a point and great question since I could remember I have taken care of everyone or give great advice but can't do that for myself. I am so Broken I didn't realize how bad things are with me because going what we going through makes us feel unworthy like example I know I lost tons of weight did my hair different purchase new cloths but did I really did it for me or to see if W notice. Is sad but if W couldn't love me for how I looked or because life got busy with kids why should I let W back in my life. Because then I think wow if I was in accident and couldn't walk or got a skin disease something out of control would W left me any way. I know I am just going through a emotional rollercoaster right now, but also realizing my worthiness

I know myself could I really forgive W for Hurting kids,Me and destroying me and kids financially where I didn't even know 2 months ago if I was going be sleeping in a car. Or our next food. Or again my kids where adopted they had a horrible past they came from a broke abuse home, I honestly could say I see my kids hurt they feel abandon they feel am going walk aways too but God knows I reassure them am here forever I make sure they feel love. Btw they are in therapy as there therapist said they are just protecting themselves. But these are questions I ask over and Over. Can I really forgive W if big if she does ask to come Back. Can LOVE really conquer all. Honestly at this moment I have to say No. Love can't fix what W broke but destroy and If was only me maybe a big maybe but she has put and said pretty nasty things to our kids and me when she we lived together. I just want to become better so I can keep being better for my three kids.

Would love to hear from anyone that has gone through these feelings. Can you really forgive your W/H without getting angry and throwing it in there face. ???? I just am lost with feelings..


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Originally Posted By: marina7
I am so Broken I didn't realize how bad things are with me because going what we going through makes us feel unworthy like example I know I lost tons of weight did my hair different purchase new cloths but did I really did it for me or to see if W notice.


That's OK, if we're honest with ourselves we ALL do it at first to get a reaction from our spouses. Just keep working at it, eventually you'll do it for yourself.

Quote:
Because then I think wow if I was in accident and couldn't walk or got a skin disease something out of control would W left me any way.


Exactly. Makes you wonder, if she's willing to leave you when things aren't so bad then what would she do if things took a tragic turn.

Quote:
I know I am just going through a emotional rollercoaster right now, but also realizing my worthiness


Good, because you DO have a ton of value, and finding that again is important to your recovery.

Quote:
Can I really forgive W if big if she does ask to come Back. Can LOVE really conquer all. Honestly at this moment I have to say No. Love can't fix what W broke but destroy and If was only me maybe a big maybe but she has put and said pretty nasty things to our kids and me when she we lived together.


After BD we're all very consumed with putting things "back to normal". But at some point we come to the realization that our old "normal" is never coming back. Even if we reconcile, we're looking at a completely different relationship even if with the same person. And we've got to ask ourselves- are we willing to recon with that person that was willing to walk out? I mean yes, we were not perfect and we need to own our contributions to the failure of the M. But WE are not the ones that walked out. WE were willing to stick it out and make it work even though there were problems. WE were committed. Can we say that about the WAS? And if not, how does that bode for a future with them? What's to say they won't turn around and do the same thing in 6 months or a year? It's a very valid concern, and you've got to think long and hard about it.

Quote:
Would love to hear from anyone that has gone through these feelings. Can you really forgive your W/H without getting angry and throwing it in there face. ????


Yes. I never went through an anger phase with my XW. It's supposed to be a normal phase of grief recovery, but I never did get angry with her. I had a lot of sympathy for what she was going through. Even though it was very rough on me, I knew it was no picnic for her either. I do forgive her for it and harbor no ill will at all towards her. I mean I -could- resent her, financially we were in fantastic shape and poised to comfortably retire together before 60 and now my finances are in a shambles and I don't think I'll ever retire. But that's life, just when you think you have it all planned out life throws you a nasty curve ball that hits you in the gut as you swing the bat at empty air, LOL! You can get angry and pout and mope about it, or you can say "screw it, I'll make the best with what I'm given."


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Marina,

I believe in the back of our minds we are all seriously hoping out W notice. Because the reason were here is for them initially. My W noticed the weight loss and still will mention how good I am looking. The irony is that none if the men my W has cheated with are in shape. They all have big belly on them. Perhaps it's my W finding someone who won't make her seem so big. I know her weight has always bothered her.

At first I thought something was wrong with me, but I know now that W has issues that are outside if me. These guys are cheaters and lowlifes. Not bragging in myself, but I am nowhere near as bad as these guys. So once again the reality is that my W has deep issues tibhet over that has nothing to do with me.

And my guess is the same applies you and your W. Just keep making the changes for yourself. Trust me other women have been admiring my changes. So maybe may no longer be an option. But I highly doubt I will be alone.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
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marina7 Offline OP
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Journaling,

Thank you Anotherstander for your response and answering some questions I had in my head. I have to say I would have never thought my marriage would have ended like this. I mean my W was an amazing W and mother I remember a time she cried because W and I seen pictures of how our kids where living before rescuing them then adopting W said how can a Mother hurt her children's or abandon them this was 5yrs ago and to see how her behavior is now is heartbreaking. I remember W baking minions cookies with kids and always being attentive to them. Now she goes weeks not even seeing them. I guess I would never get the answers.

Tread, Thank you it's been hard 7 months almost and I sometimes give up. Yes I believe is all self-esteem, W always complained about weight and her boob but I always made her feel beautiful I still remember W telling me how I always made her feel beautiful.

And yes OW is a down grade from physically to financially. I don't drink or smoke OW does and not to bliw air up my Ass but I always been an attractive women. When W and I went out her own friends would always let W know how attractive and gorgeous I am. Now that I think about it W hated it, it just amazes how they replace us like nothing. It's mind blowing.

Smh.....


So W and I don't text or call at all. Only on Friday afternoon for kids of drop off time. But today W called like 3 times finally I answer and W yelled and curse saying they about to cancel her phones because she owes around 700 in cell phone bill. I let her scream and her tantrum then I replied Am sorry you are angry but I no longer have access to your account I took my # over 3 months ago. W paused and said Ok I'll call you back.

This is what I don't get why is W such a angry person I feel W finds anything to just be an angry person. It hurts when I think am healing W has a way to ruin it. Been feeling amazing and positive and she just ruin it. W has not called and she won't and I know tomorrow she'll be apologizing because it has became a pattern.

But besides that Kids are amazing D9 playing clarinet in a band. S8 has been quiet lately I been worry because he is a child that loves to dance and sing. I feel that once I get S9 I'll be taking a 2 day vacation with them. They have had amazing through this process.

I been GAL getting better from surgery doing my PT and have a friend that has kept me smiling lately. She makes sure kids and I ok she been in my life and kids but lately we been texting and talking alot. The good thing she knows everything I been through, she knows I love my wife but just like everyone says. W doesn't deserve me or kids. Am still feeling like am not sure I could ever forgive W. It's been so much damage am not sure there's hope. Especially the actions towards kid's. Our WAW don't realize the damage they do. Especially my WAW she was in the beginning very very verbal abusive from she wish I would have died to she never wanted these dam kids to I ruin W life. I just replay this over and over.

Am not sure how people can live with WAW because living with mines was hell am so glad now W left I moved to smaller home. Am so glad.

Calling all Cadets,

Holidays are coming up this is our first year. How do we Newcomers over come this I believe this is what I been of affraid of. After 10yrs how do I and kids get through this.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
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marina7 Offline OP
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Journaling Journaling Journaling,
Well I lost my cool on Sunday after W dropping D9 and S8,

W pick kids up on Friday, W made a comment as I was ready and getting ready because a friend was taking me out, I must say this friend has help me GAL btw this friend also got edible arrangements delivered to my home on Friday, well on Friday W was over looking my shoulders and seen the bag, W made a comment I know you are with someone, trust me I know your sleeping around ect ect... I just ignored and gave kids big hug and kiss..

Well well well when I thought I lost all respect for W she does something worse, on Sunday W text saying running late meet me here in the beginning of the BD, W would say jump I would respond how high. But I ignored text and had W bring them home but guess what W did you would be surprised as I read some stitch here and how some WAW don't care, W drop kids with OW, I wanted to flip out but kept my cool. I flip when I was hugging S9 and W grab him and said let's go I nicely said it wouldn't kill you for him to give me a 5min hug, W of course flip out saying this is Why we would never get back together this is why we are here, ect ect ect... I realised she telling me in Spanish you don't realize how much I love you, but says in English this is why we never getting back.. hmmmm OW doesn't speak Spanish, I replied yes I know I know you Hate Me, We never getting back everything wrong in life is my fault. W eyes got watery as I said bye and slammed door.

D9 is nervous d9 says while OW was driving us home she wanted to vommit because she thought OW would say something or I would flip I hugged D9 and S8 and said I won't. D9 said W was questioning them saying I know your mom dating, ya lie like her and through the weekend was asking them about me. And W used the word sex to d9 saying I know your mom sleeping around.ect. I wanted to confront W but W expects me to flip out in the last 4 month's I haven't reacted to anything she does am no longer shock,

Still trying to get S9 back home. He looks tired exhausted and I could see the changes in him.

My GAL has been amazing My new friend is really helping me see things differently, new friend knows everything she says she is here for just support. I went to movies, walk and conversated I have to say I didn't think of W at all.

My question I ask myself over and over is W left,walk over have said horrible things from i love you but not in love, to I should have died. Why be angry if they see there Exes moving on


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
M
marina7 Offline OP
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Journaling,

So today pretty rough day, I sit here and reflect alot. And I sometimes feel am I going crazy. I ask myself how someone you know for so many years. Who you once trusted with your life is no longer that person.

Not sure what stage WAW in but as you read my stitch this week W pretty aggressive again when I finally think there might be hope or a glimpse of light am now in that dark tunnel again.
W in the beginning was very evil besides going through her I don't love you, or I need space, am controlling blah blah all of the above she was also very verbal even at one point W wish me death. I again can say W broke me in every way. When I feel I can pick myself up or am moving on W has a way to break me. So this week W complain about a cell phone bill which I have nothing to do with but somewhere in W mind I screwed her over again am breaking my head trying to understand how. And then I already had planned to cancel our netflix account because we are no longer together I feel the only thing we need to focus on kids. Well I guess me canceling the account trigger W verbal abuse again from texting, this is why we never get back, you are petty, I f***ing hate you, you are a controlling person blah blah. I guess my question to any cadets or anyone who went through this is, If we are no longer together why hold on to a relationship. I honestly felt that W was right why did I cancel netflix. I felt at the moment this is reality we should have nothing together not even a Stupid membership.
But then I think is this W way of keeping our relationship together.
Is just very confusing the high and lows.

When I think is there any hope for US or Marriage W has a way to pop that ballon in my head.

I just simply don't get it or all this that is happening. I could never imagined this W never showed signs.
W has not only hurt me but our kids even friends.

Also when ever W is angry at something W goes social media crazy posting very childish things something I would never expected from her W is a very Smart women.

Is there any hope out here everyone stitch I read, I still haven't seen a happy ending usually all I read is the negative. If I didn't care I wouldn't be here but am doing everything to try to get my family back and my best friend but a day like today I just wanna throw the white flag in and surrender.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
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marina7 Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
Journaling,

Update
Today I filed for son sole custody, as I was walking into court office I ask myself over and over how did I get here how couldn't I stop this. And had to walk back into my car and cry. And then memories came back flooding I remember how W and I pillow talk how if we ever separated we will always be friends we will always be civil. I then felt anger and lied to how can W put our kids through this. Wow reality kick in we are here.

Kids are doing amazing D9 and S8 know am trying to get S9 back they now just saying when hr be back. D9 has been more angry in school inpatients i received an email from teacher spoke with d9 and starting her counseling next week. W has not realize how this has broken our kids. I just don't get it but I know there's nothing I can do.

Well as for me since BD on April 2017 I been recovering from surgery getting better and stronger met amazing people through groups, met a nice girl in the last month who has been totally supportive with everything she knows my situation it breaks her heart to see me hurting but she knows this is a path I have to deal with. This weekend friend took me to movie and brunch. W called saying she was dropping kids I explained I wasn't home W said to pick them up I can't drive so a friend took me and W mouth drop and today W calls me to say it broke her heart to see me with OW. W doesn't know she just a friend but once w said that I spilled my heart out it's been over 3 months since I said ILY and today I broke down and I heard how W voice change.

Smh she was cake eating to see if she had me. Back to going Dark. Smh I just don't get it. How can they just play us as yoyo...

Back to focusing on kids and Me. And mentally preparing myself for holidays this is going be a hard holiday... I just ask God to lead me.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
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