Complicated Affair

[Dude127]

DR book finally came in today. Looking forward to getting some knowledge!

[Jim1234]

I've been thinking of some GAL activities. One of them would be church on Wednesday nights.

Join/go to a gym. Go for evening walks after dinner. Meet a friend for drinks after work. Go to lunch with a friend. Go to the shooting range and rent a gun. Go scuba diving. Do virtually everything you wanted to do with her that she didn't want to do, and you didn't want to do without her.

[Dude127]

So... last night she told me that she ended things with the OM. Said that she needed to delete everything of him from her accounts, etc. She told me that things have gotten a lot better with us and that she wanted to see where this goes.

I only told her a few things. Honestly, though I had no idea what to say. I feel like I have no idea where to go from here. I didn't really expect this so soon. Although I'm very happy she made this decision, at the same time though I guess my only real emotional reaction is cautiously optimistic. I really want to see her actions backed up by what she just told me.

Right now my first idea of what to do is to pretty much continue detaching and seeing how things play out.

I'm thinking MWD's Healing from Infidelity would be a good read right now along the DR book.

Any ideas or thoughts about this would of course be appreciated.

[Dude127]

So, it's been almost a week and it seems to me that she's committed to her decision. Which I am very thankful for. Last night I decided to bring up the A, and kind of test the waters to see how she would respond. As soon as I brought it up she immediately got quite, defensive, and hard to talk to, so I immediately stopped pushing and said we could talk about it another time.

After some silence, she brought up the fact that she sent him a letter as a way to kind of finalize things the day after she called it off. So I asked what she said in the letter and that's when things started going downhill. "Why would you want to talk about that?" and getting extremely defensive again. To which I replied that I was looking for honesty and that I didn't want to ignore the A and sweep it under the rug. Told her that I was hoping both of us could begin to be more honest about how we feel with each other. To this she responded with an angry/defensive tone that she was committed to her decision and that she was doing what everyone else thought she should do. She then kind of eluded to the fact that she might have wrote to him that something like she "would love him forever, but she doesn't have any other choice really but to end things"

So anyway, yeah, it sucked to hear that, but at the same I was grateful for her honesty so I thanked her after the conversation and sent a message to her the following morning telling her I appreciated her discussing her feeling with me. That seemed to go well.

Also, she agreed to MC, so I scheduled an appointment 2 weeks from now.

I guess overall, I'm just looking for anyone's advice on how to approach the situation. I started reading MWD's Healing from Infidelity and while I have found it very insightful and ideal I don't really know the best steps to take for my situation right now.

I'm kind of wondering if I should just give her some distance for now and wait for MC which might make it easier for her to talk about the A and our R.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Dude127]

Also, right now I'm kind of afraid to share my feeling with her. I feel a tremendous amount of hurt and pain because of this situation. I kind of don't want to share my feelings because all I feel that would do is just lay on the guilt from her perspective. I guess I feel like I don't want to "overload" her.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Dude127]So... last night she told me that she ended things with the OM. Said that she needed to delete everything of him from her accounts, etc. She told me that things have gotten a lot better with us and that she wanted to see where this goes.


what does that^^ mean? Also, you must BOTH get IC asap. An A is not something to "just get past", it fractures the foundation of a marriage.

It CAN be repaired - but you both need to work as a couple AND individually and my biggest regret after reconciling was that we did not piece well. We shelved it when h's mother got cancer but frankly, I'm not sure I'd have insisted that h get IC b/c I was not thinking right.

I was aiming for recon and figured that was the victory, but it's really only a step to a restored marriage.

I strongly urge you both get IC b/c you both need a safe place to explore what hapepebnd and why and how NOT to have it occur again and if your spouse is there with you, it can be very inhibiting to share your real emotions and doubts in front of them when you feel vulnerable and hurt or shamed. Make sense?


I only told her a few things. Honestly, though I had no idea what to say. I feel like I have no idea where to go from here. I didn't really expect this so soon.


SLOW DOWN....

Although I'm very happy she made this decision, at the same time though I guess my only real emotional reaction is cautiously optimistic. I really want to see her actions backed up by what she just told me.

you need goals and specifics and you don't have them yet.

Right now my first idea of what to do is to pretty much continue detaching and seeing how things play out.\

that^^ is the path of least resistance AND least likely to succeed in the long run