WAS wanting to move across the world - help -2

[whywhy]

So Sandi2,

I'm really sad to say, but I think you may have been right all along.

Big blowout and argument with the W this morning.

I went out for a drink with a friend last night (after I had arranged dinner and made sure the kids were all bathed).

Anyway, this morning, I was getting the house ready (she was still asleep). She wakes up, doesn't even say good morning, comes up to me and says "I need to ask you a question" - so I say sure.

She then proceeds to tell me that she went into my office last night and was going through my drawers to "find her passport to check the expiry date if she wants to travel soon" - and she couldn't find the children's passports.

I could not believe that she go through my private things! I got really upset and told her that her reason was obviously bull as she could have just asked me this morning and she was the one who had asked me to look after her passport!

I showed her the passports (in the drawer next to it) and told her that I was now very nervous that she was planning to take the kids when her mother is here.

BIG argument and she produced a card for a lawyer.

We have a kind of cease fire in place now, but things are definitely going south and fast.

I think it's been scaring her that I've been more vocal in my opinions.

[sandi2]

I went out for a drink with a friend last night (after I had arranged dinner and made sure the kids were all bathed).

She didn't do anything to prepare dinner.......and, She can't oversee the kids getting bathed? Do you realize how pathetic that is? However, under the circumstances, and at the point......you have to see to the needs of your children. Have you ever told her to do anything?...........like, giving you a helping hand?.........or does she sit on her throne while you are doing all the work? I hope you did not "serve" her dinner to her again.

Anyway, this morning, I was getting the house ready (she was still asleep).

And you wonder why she doesn't treat you better.

I could not believe that she go through my private things! I got really upset and told her that her reason was obviously bull as she could have just asked me this morning and she was the one who had asked me to look after her passport!

You'd better believe it..........and believe she is going to take your kids away if you don't stop acting like nothing is wrong! You cannot trust this woman! When her mother gets there,they will team up against you.........then what will you do? You'll have two to deal with!

I showed her the passports (in the drawer next to it) and told her that I was now very nervous that she was planning to take the kids when her mother is here.

Listen to me. You are a good man who loves his children very much. You must stop telling her you are nervous or scared......or what you suspect when her mother arrives. It alerts her that you are aware and she'll go deeper under cover to do her dirty work. You must stop telling her what you are thinking, b/c she will use it against you while she plots to get the kids and leave. Please tell me you did not hand over their passports to her.

I think it's been scaring her that I've been more vocal in my opinions.

First of all, you need to stop using words like "scaring" in connection to you and your wife. She may be shocked to see and hear her H standing up like a man. She may be stunned, and perhaps a little worried that she underestimated him. I rather doubt she is scared of you vocalizing your opinions.........as long as talking is all you've done. Know why? B/c she is entitled!!!! You have not treated her like a wife. You have treated her like a royal princess sitting on a throne, while you were the servant. You placed yourself beneath your wife, so she has zero respect for you. So........you have empowered this woman you see before you. Not to mention what her mother may have put in her head.

You need an emergency plan. There is no way she is going to wait until the current school term ends before she takes the kids and leaves the country. No way!

Do you have any close friends that you can trust (that are not friends of your W)? B/c you need emotional support from people who like you.......and there may come a day that you need to call on them to keep your children for a few hours while you secure things. Where does your parents and siblings live? Are they in the same home country as your in-laws? Please get legal counseling as to what resources are available when a parent suspects their spouse may try to take the children and skip the country. Btw, kidnapping is not seen as a threat by those who are willing to take the risk.

Who picks the kids up from school every day? If you do, then consider notifying the school principal that nobody is allowed to pick them up or check them out early, without your verbal authorization (make sure they have your cell #). Actually, they may not be able to prevent the other parent from getting the kids, but the school could at least alert you that the kids had been checked out early.

Have you secured your money, and made certain she can't withdraw it from the bank? These are real things you need to secure the best way you can, in order to protect you and the kid. You may want to secure the passports and the children's documents (immunization, school records, birth certificates, etc) in a safe.

You are at an emotionally disadvantage b/c this is the woman you loved and married. Naturally, you would like to give her the benefit of doubt. My advice, however, is do not underestimate her capabilities. Do not share your concerns and thoughts with her. Do not tell her what you are doing. Do not try to show her she can trust you. That would be a big mistake, under the current circumstances. I'm sorry it has to be this way, but you must go into protection mode.

[whywhy]

Sandi2,

Thanks as always for the kind words, you are giving me some great perspective. Strangely enough, the friend I went for drinks with a couple of nights ago echoed almost exactly your words.

So, in reply - yes, I have now worked with her to divide up the chores. Yes, I am still doing more, but she is definitely doing stuff now.

She is also starting to take the kids to school and pick them up.

I think she is even starting to get embarassed by some of her behavior or announcements, especially to do with the kids. So, there was a parent's night at the school and she even came with me, which was a surprise.

I am definitely pushing her and asking for help around the house and she is starting to do, which I think is great.

I have also told her that I think she needs to find a job and she told me she will look. I'll push on that more next week.

The kids passports are now safely tucked away where she won't find them - with her agreement by the way.

I agree that I am at an emotional disadvantage absolutely, because I do want to save my marriage and I do love this woman in spite of all of this! I am getting stronger though.

I think it is finally starting to dawn on her that if she keeps treating me like sh*t and telling me every day how much she hates it here, that I may not happily go back to her country with the kids at the end of the academic year! Maybe this will bring a change of attitude from her (albeit forced and fake), but I'll take that too right now.

As for the funds, she has access to some, but not alot. As she isn't a US citizen, she didn't have a credit rating at all, so pretty much everything is in my name, so she is severely limited on that front.

But, as I say, I do still want to save this M!

[whywhy]

The past few days have been sort of ok.

She has been polite to me and we have had some good family time with the kids.

Her patience is still short and she needs to get away from them (& me) quite often as well as getting tired very easily.

She's very much about control at the moment, so, not telling me where she is going or what her plans are (I don't ask either which I think pisses her off more).

Anyway, I am away on business for a couple of days which is a huge relief. Contact is minimal, just to say hi to the kids.

Before I left she did give me a warm hug and kiss on the cheek though, which was a nice feeling.

Back home tomorrow evening, so let's see what's waiting for me next!