WW claims ended A...where to go from here?

[Maika]

Why do you want to stay in this marriage? Let's measure it's health:

1. She has had THREE A's you know of. There's likely more.

2. She has ZERO interest in a sexual relationship with you.

3. She has ZERO interest in saving the marriage.

4. She has taken ZERO accountability for her actions.

5. She has ZERO respect for you.

6. She has ZERO empathy for you.

So, I will ask you again.

Why do you want to stay in this marriage? Finances?

I listened to a podcast that was talking about how to improve your life and meet your goals.

The question the host asked is this - "imagine it's your funeral and your loved one are around you. how do you want to be remembered by your children? by your partner? what can they say about you that reflects how you want to be remembered?"

Go do that!

You want your partner to say that she stayed with you because of money? or do you want something else?

You need to have a mindshift. It's not about decisions about whether you kick her out of the bedroom or not. Are you going to live your life to the fullest and not take disrespect from anyone? Then put that into action. Kicking her out the MR bedroom for the sake of it won't do anything if you don't have a larger game plan with life.

Who is canseco? what does canseco value? let's start there.

[canseco]

i'm back almost 1 yr later...still battling...I felt like there were patches of good in the bad...but she tells me she wants to see me striving aggressively and consistently for my goals--I am in agreement that I need to do that..I am able to admit my faults....and at the same time she wants me to partner with her to help her achieve financial freedom and not rely on her 9-5 job...I understand that she wants to be free of the daily grind...I also understand her frustrations with my lack of achievement personally...I am my own worst critic...I do know I can improve there

...I feel like I was escaping the depression which had led me to gain weight...and then again she starts mentioning maybe we'd be better off on our own... I'm very stressed right now...I know a D will be very painful for everybody....I don't think it's worth it...I do love her.....right now i feel like the 5000 lb of bricks of the relationship are piled on my back.....

every time I try to compromise and offer my commitment to her desired financial goals in exchange for us going to counselling she does her best to avoid the idea of counselling...this is baffling to me...what could it hurt at this point?

she tries to play it as if i'm the selfish one and it's all about me....of course I don't agree with that characterization...that's why I feel a neutral 3rd party could shed some light on things

....i feel there's some midlife crisis stuff going on here..she's turning 50 coming up...I'm 5 yrs younger..


I don't want to stay in this marriage for merely finances...I'm willing to do what it takes to alleviate financial stress that she's facing and have proposed down-sizing completely in every way...it's not good enough for her...

I would not want to stay in this marriage if i despised her...or we hated being with each other...or couldn't stand to travel together...but those things are false....we have amazing trips together...more than I can begin to count.....we have different likes and wants and needs and are different people

I do still feel there's a shred of interest in her in saving the marriage...thoughts?

[AnotherStander]

and at the same time she wants me to partner with her to help her achieve financial freedom and not rely on her 9-5 job

Let me get this straight, she's telling you she wants out of the M unless you make more money so she can quit her job? Does that sound like a valid reason to try and stay married to you?

...I understand that she wants to be free of the daily grind...

Don't we all? I've been working as an architect for 34 years now. I HATE the daily commute, hate it with a passion. I would absolutely love to stay home and work on art all day. But hey, I have bills to pay so I come to work. WELCOME TO LIFE.

every time I try to compromise and offer my commitment to her desired financial goals in exchange for us going to counselling she does her best to avoid the idea of counselling...this is baffling to me...what could it hurt at this point?

That's a huge red flag that she's two feet out the door.

we have amazing trips together...more than I can begin to count.....

So you are in dire financial straits, but you travel so often you can't even count the trips? Those two thoughts seem to be at odds!

I do still feel there's a shred of interest in her in saving the marriage...thoughts?

Honestly it doesn't sound like it. She's checked out. She will offer up targets, and if you hit them she will just throw more targets up. You need to quit worrying about how you can make her happy and focus on yourself. If you feel you are falling short of your goals then work on that. But DON'T do it because you want her approval. Do it for YOU.

[ovrrnbw]

I've told her how much I want an intimate relationship with her...surely it's obvious the efforts I was making..but you cant force someone..

I read some of your old stuff too. It's not her you actually want, it's the person she used to be. You want an intimate relationship, just not with her really.

She wants you to do all these things for her while not giving you what you need. This is a relationship, both sides must contribute and often that means doing things we'd rather not do.

I don't think it's worth it...I do love her.....right now i feel like the 5000 lb of bricks of the relationship are piled on my back.....

The person who cares the least is in the driver's seat. Over a year here, and you haven't detached. Stick around this time, tell your story some more, work on yourself, hear some more advice.

I don't want to stay in this marriage for merely finances

You may not have told her this, but now you need to SHOW her this. So far, you've shown her otherwise. Sounds like you need a serious dose of GAL. I'd make myself busy 2-3 nights a week if I were you so you can enjoy your life and prepare for a life without her. Then maybe she'll feel what it's like to not have you around.

I do still feel there's a shred of interest in her in saving the marriage...thoughts?

She hasn't filed for D, right? I'd say this is the case.