I must admit my WW early in the A (before I moved out of the FH) did say she had finished with her AP/LO and then went on to say she would be visiting friends on the same day has his birthday! I basically hung her out to dry with that one and she confessed the next time I saw her, I understand the pain.
Are you going to DR again..?
Be strong, take care.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I'm sorry about your father. You (and DH) must know that your emotional resiliency is rather low right now because you are grieving. Cut yourself a break.
Don't bother angsting over the diary (though I'm not following whose it is) or OW's comments. It's better for her ego if she believes that he just went back to her kids, isn't it? So she may believe that, or WH may not have had the stones to break up with her outright, and gave her the "kids" line in order to still feel like a good guy.
I'd want to know what he said to her when he broke up with her. I'd also want to know why she's emailing him something personal. Does he plan on going NC with her? I understand he works with her, so NC has to be about anything personal.
In my mind, a WH who wants to rug-sweep isn't facing the consequences of his choices. He'd prefer not to do that. His preference does not mean that you have to allow for rug-sweeping.
I don't know that you need to know every detail. Do you think that will help you? I think it might be better to work on a list of questions that are important for you to know, and - if you think DH is where he needs to be to move forward - ask those to him. Maybe ask one a day. Things like "Why did you do it?" and "Did you love her?"
But is he where he needs to be? I know it would feel so nice to drop your guard, believe his words, and go back to your marriage. However, what message would you be sending your DH about how you feel about yourself if you did that? If he's allowed right back, what is to stop him from doing this again?
A remorseful man would feel awful about his actions, wouldn't pressure you to let him back before you were ready, and would understand that he's going to have to be uncomfortable in order to help you regain trust.
I don't think your DH is remorseful. I don't think he's looked inside of himself to try to understand that piece of why he did what he did. He may regret his actions, but I think it will be a losing proposition for you to let a regretful man back in. Until there's remorse, I'd be hesitant to open myself up to him.
H wants to completely forget about it draw a line under his 'mistake' and work on a future for us. I need to know every single detail so I can process it deal with it and move to the next stage whatever that may be. He doesn't understand this and asks why I want to torture myself.
It is normal in recon for the WAS to just want to sweep it all under the rug and for the LBS to want to know all the sordid details. Like you said, knowing is better than imagining. But he feels like sharing the details is akin to having an A all over again, so you need to find a way to strike a balance there- accept that he's not going to tell you everything, believe that if he did the details are probably more mundane than you are imagining, and instead focus on moving forward with whatever boundaries you may need for that (such as him disclosing whenever he is doing something outside the M, and giving you access to his phone and email).
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...and saying I know you have only left me to be with your kids and W is part of that package. I am devastated about the diary (which conveniently he threw away) but also the fact that he clearly hasn't told her straight that he doesn't want to be with her he has used the kids as an excuse.
Don't you see the irony here? He doesn't want to share details with you, but you tell him you want to know because imagination is worse than reality, but then here he is sharing a detail with you and you flip out and shout at him about it. NO MATTER WHAT HE TELLS YOU, YOU ARE GOING TO INTERPRET IT IN THE WORSE POSSIBLE WAY. And that is exactly the issue. Personally I read this and I think that's a huge step forward, not only did he tell her he's done with her but he sent you evidence of the conversation. It's OK to let him know you are upset, but it should be in a productive way- "H I admit that does upset me but I am glad you shared this with me, thank you."
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I lost it with him on the phone last night and haven't heard from him this morning apart from him ringing our S as he was going on a school trip.
My suggestion is to apologize to him. "I'm sorry I overreacted, I do appreciate you sharing things with me even though it sometimes upsets me. I will try to control my reactions when you share things in the future."
