Trying to do the right thing...

[DnJ]

Hello OC

First off, great update on the kiddos.

Very well done giving D20 the opportunity to open up to you. That will be a hug to cherish for a very long time, the first of many I suspect. We do lead our children, not make their choices, just lead them and inspire them is all.

I can fully understand (and support ) S18�s cheeseburger runs. Lol. It sounds like he is very eager and quite adapt with coding and animation. Good for him. Is he considering taking further studies?

I really like reading how S9 is handling things. Yes, kids are quite the troopers aren�t they? Finding ways to complete his homework is pretty telling of his level of conviction towards his obligations and pride of self. Again, you do lead their way, and they choose to follow.

It is pretty sad when Mom forgets the appointments with them. My XW missed our third boy�s birthday, flaked out on visits with the kids, and basically was a terrible Mom. She chose her happiness above all else.

Something interesting is that most MLCers do pick a favourite child. That fact brings with it, the MLCer also picks a least favourite kid. My poor S20, S17 at the time of BD, was the least favourite. That mantle was shifted among them somewhat but XW really did stick it to him the most.

My daughter was treated rather poorly as well, with XW seeing her more as a rival �girl�. Very strange and weird times. XW actually was stalking her, followed her around after school. She even confronted daughter (15 at the time) in the hallway, at school, between classes, in front of all her classmates.

It is nice to see you so busy working at home. The challenges with the boys wanting to see you, or have a snack, or tell you about their day - is perfect. What a blessing!

Good luck on the leadership role. It does sound pretty good. I will cross my fingers for you as well.

I like big updates and posts, so don�t sweat it. Most of my posts tend towards the multi-paragraph, multi-page, end of the spectrum.

To the question at hand:

You went dark and XW noticed. Ok.

As kml queried, what was the purpose for your 180? For going dark?

This week I started blocking her on all of the social media platforms I used to share pictures of the kids for the rest of the family to follow (I'm not connected to her on any of my personal accounts). I doubt she will even notice for a while.

I've considered going 180 again. It's the only thing I think I can do for my own sanity.

I just don't know what else to do.

XW noticed rather quickly, didn�t she?

OC, let go of her.

For your sanity.

I suspect you are not trying to punish her. Are wanting her to notice. Are wanting some peace. Are wanting to heal.

For me, way back when (lol), I went dark because people here suggested I do. Yes, I understood some of the reasons - well in truth I thought I understood but later discovered I really didn�t at the time. I took it on faith. I was in an emotional place I didn�t want to be in, and the wise and compassionate people here had good advice.

Still, everyone needs a certain level of understanding before they can let go.

Going dark is for you. It is used for one to get detached from the pain of their spouse and their behaviours. There is a withdrawal as one lets go of their spouse. That withdrawal is painful! The pull is incredibly addictive. Going dark keeps one from prolonging the withdrawal.

Being dark does not make one�s spouse want you more. Is not used to manipulate the MLCer�s path. It is not some trick to make them see the light. It is simply a tool for you to regain your power and stability.

I agree with kml, and believe your main purpose in your going dark is to limit your pain and suffering. You have been dragged around too long. Go dark and let go.

I blocked her on all social media channels and have not posted anything to our family group texts. She is used to me telling jokes, engaging, and sharing pics of the kids there. Or writing very specific, detailed texts to her when explaining myself for decisions I was making that she wanted to understand. So all of that came to a halt.

Good. Focus on you and the kids.

A little over a week ago she asked me how my weekend was and I simply wrote, "Good. All caught up on laundry." She just gave it a thumbs up and that was that.

That isn�t going dark. Maybe dim. Maybe.

XW is keeping you hooked, right where she wants you.

This morning she asked if there was any news on the job. I wrote, "not yet."

Another check.

Her response is telling: "Some days I get paragraph long texts now nothin. What�s with you?" Followed by another text minutes later saying, "It�s all good. Hope everything turns out the way you�d like. 👍🏻 "

Of course she questions what you are doing. It doesn�t fit with what she wants you to do.

I feel compelled to tell her something so that I don't come off as cold and uncaring.

How would you reply (if at all)?

Perfectly normal to feel compelled to respond to her. To tell her something. To not want to come off as the cold uncaring bad guy.

OC, feelings are fleeting! Feelings flit away when they are not reinforced. Feelings are very real, and very temporary. Do not make decisions based upon feelings. Look to logic and reason. And once you have your core values and beliefs dialled in, look to those.

Let go and let the feelings flit.

Your response for her inquiry into your weekend should be - nothing. Your response about news on your job - nothing. I�m guessing you probably see a pattern emerging here and could guess what you should respond to her latest inquiry of �what�s with you?�.

You need not respond. Go dark.

Bills and kids. Only. Those are the two topics for discussion.

Your weekend - your business not her�s. Your job opportunity - your business not her�s.

She divorced you. Is still seeing an OM. You cannot nice her back. You also cannot mean her back - in case you heard that somewhere. Basically, nothing you do can speed up her journey. But it can delay it.

Focus on you.

You are not the cold mean bad guy for not responding to her vacuous small talk. Seriously, if she wanted to really discuss something of importance you would know.

XW will probably not like you letting go and standing up on your own. She knows how much she had you dragged around. Remember, you are going dark for your sanity. That is how much an emotionally troubled and manipulative person can twist us around. And I know just how hard this is too see and believe. I really do.

OC, go dark. Unless it is about the kids there is really nothing you need to speak to her about. Money is all sorted out I would guess, and S9 is the only minor child with the others being adults.

As I said earlier, it takes a certain amount of understanding before one can let go. I hope my multi-paragraph post is helpful.

Place your attention upon your boys and their snack interruptions and wanting to talk about their lives. Keep inspiring your wonderful daughter and renewing the bond you two share. Live your life, greatly! Fully!

Stay the course.

D

[OC_Hope]

Oof… I was doing so well.

Quick catch-up. I moved back to my home state where my daughter is finishing college. Her doctor changed her meds and is now treating her for bipolar disassociated personality disorder. She was very concerned and it does explain many things. It’s also hereditary.

Around the same time the boys and I moved, XW moved to another city far away with OM2 and has a nice new job making good money.

Meanwhile, I now have all the kiddos in the same city and immensely happy here knowing my kiddos are with me. I even had the opportunity to take my first vacation trip overseas by myself and even went cave exploring and scuba dived, directly addressing my claustrophobic fears! It was amazing.

Over the holidays, XW began thinking about the kids a lot, growing nostalgic, and even brought up the idea of coming back here and getting a house together so the kids could come have a home to visit or even live with us.

I didn’t get excited or push, however I did ask a few days if she was being sincere about asking that. She said she was. A week went by and I asked her if she had a timeline in mind. She said no.

Then I went on vacation where I was updating our family chat group with photos and stories.

I said something odd I should not have. I told her I wished she was there experiencing this with me. She didn’t answer for. Couple days. I tried to play it off as no big deal and asked if the feelings weren’t mutual.

She said no, they were not.

Then today she sent me a long email saying she no longer wants to talk about our relationship. She accused me again of tricking her into signing over custody and using the kids as leverage to get her back, and that she will never live under the same roof as me. That she’s moved on and hopes I find someone special myself.

She also said going forward she will only talk to the kids over text, talk to me over email, and won’t talk to me unless it’s about the kids.

What the hell happened?

I’m at a bit of a loss. She has not spoken to my youngest in a year. Only texts. She hasn’t even seen her boys in more than two years. It’s been even longer for my daughter.

My inclination is to do absolutely nothing. No response. No acknowledgment. And leave it all alone.

I think I’ve just been given a gift. Not to necessarily give up on my marriage, but to let XW live in her decision and I go on living my life.

Does that sound about right?

[bttrfly]

I feel the best thing we can do for ourselves is to figure out how to live our best lives and then do so, separate from the other / former partner. That way, regardless of whether or not they float back into our lives on a cloud of MLC pixie dust or crawl back begging for forgiveness or something in between or they remain gone forever, we are STILL living our best lives.

We owe it to ourselves and to our children. They are watching how we handle all of this.

[kml]

She did a touch back to see if you were still an option for her, and once she satisfied herself that you were, she went back to her life.

Let go. Live your life looking forward, not back. If she shows up with a year of sobriety and being appropriate with the kids, then you can consider whether you would want her back. But anything less than that - nope. And stop holding your breath - it’s not impossible but not very likely either that she will do the needed things. Go on with your life. Don’t respond.

[DnJ]

Hello OC

It’s nice to hear from you. Sounds like good things and changes have taken place in your life.

I now have all the kiddos in the same city and immensely happy here knowing my kiddos are with me. I even had the opportunity to take my first vacation trip overseas by myself and even went cave exploring and scuba dived, directly addressing my claustrophobic fears! It was amazing.

XW and OM2 moved far away, and she left the kids. That is not necessarily as mean or purposeful as that appears; her running is driven by her emotional pain. It’s not the kids or you she is really running from, it’s herself.

Over the holidays, XW began thinking about the kids a lot, growing nostalgic, and even brought up the idea of coming back here and getting a house together so the kids could come have a home to visit or even live with us.

Holidays, those special times, do bring people back to reality. Nostalgia and memories swimming within her head. A peek out of the tunnel.

XW moved to another city far away with OM2 and has a nice new job making good money.

To be clear, XW lives far away, with OM2, and has a nice job with lots of money. And she has this idea of you and her buying a house and/or living together so the kids can visit. A rather oil and water mix going on in her; quite the confusion.

I did ask a few days if she was being sincere about asking that. She said she was. A week went by and I asked her if she had a timeline in mind. She said no.

MLCers are driven by their emotions. Whatever they feel, at that time and space, is their reality. XW felt that way, yet has no plan nor idea of how to implement it. Fantasy.

Then I went on vacation where I was updating our family chat group with photos and stories.

I said something odd I should not have. I told her I wished she was there experiencing this with me. She didn’t answer for. Couple days. I tried to play it off as no big deal and asked if the feelings weren’t mutual.

She said no, they were not.

Unless she broke up with OM2 and you forgot to mention that - what are you doing?

Last we spoke, you were going dark. You had enough of getting dragged around.

Then today she sent me a long email saying she no longer wants to talk about our relationship. She accused me again of tricking her into signing over custody and using the kids as leverage to get her back, and that she will never live under the same roof as me. That she’s moved on and hopes I find someone special myself.

She also said going forward she will only talk to the kids over text, talk to me over email, and won’t talk to me unless it’s about the kids.

And the other shoe drops. Holidays wind down, nostalgia fades, and the crisis reaches from within dragging her back into its dark depth.

Her anger is not surprising. Relationship talks are extreme pressure to one in such a crisis.

She again blames you for tricking her. Using the kids against her. Etc. Etc. This is all projection and crafted justification for her blaming you. This is her tactic, her unhealthy mechanism of projecting the cause of her pains upon you. A person so consumed by such torment is quite unable to see clearly for long periods of time. Her path and journey is at her pace and no one else’s.

“That she’s moved on and hopes I find someone special myself.” Realize she is talking to herself. Trying to convince herself. While, in fact, she is with someone else. Think of how messed up and confused she must be.

What the hell happened?

She is in crisis.

Her reconciliation talk was just that - talk. She most likely felt bad over the holidays. Her life not turning out like she imagined and wished it was going to. And she reached out. And placed you right back upon that shelf. This all from her crisis driven point of view. A temperature check.

I’m at a bit of a loss. She has not spoken to my youngest in a year. Only texts. She hasn’t even seen her boys in more than two years. It’s been even longer for my daughter.

Sorry man. I also got sole custody of my kids, as XW did not want them. There is little you can do. And most MLCers become terrible parents.

It is not your job to facilitate a relationship between Mom and her child; it is your job to not destroy it. You’ve not placed boulders or barriers for communication. XW chooses to only text. She chooses to not visit them.

Keep leading and walk the high road. Be the role model for your kids.

My inclination is to do absolutely nothing. No response. No acknowledgment. And leave it all alone.

Yep. That sounds like a good plan.

I think I’ve just been given a gift. Not to necessarily give up on my marriage, but to let XW live in her decision and I go on living my life.

Does that sound about right?

Absolutely! Live your life. Love your life.

OC, do let go your marriage. You are not married. That is not giving up. It’s not necessarily moving on. It is moving forward.

You stand for yourself. Your values and beliefs. Rise up, live and love, and walk in the light. Care for and guide your wonderful children. And give XW to God. Let go that which your cannot control.

There are gifts/blessing upon this journey and one finds their correct time to receive them. I believe you have been given a gift. Accept it.

D

[Vapo]

DnJ nailed it. You should print out his reply, frame it and reread it 7 times daily until it sinks in. He adressed all points brilliantly and there is really nothing more to add.

Continue being an awesome dad, do not spent your life waiting on her or checking her every move. Live your life, live forward. As DnJ said, it's not movin on from her, it's moving forward.

Find joy in life, live life to the fullest.