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Chase20 #2749789 07/06/17 02:42 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted By: Chase20
My personal goals are still intact: do yoga, meditate, spend more time with friends, get my yard looking good, read everyday, join new softball team, go on solo trip, continue with my IC, acupuncture. All those things I am doing and feeling good about.


Excellent, keep it up!

Originally Posted By: Chase20
Relationship wise when I talk with my DB coach she says what will it look like for things to start changing in your relationship - so her staying around the house longer and being more comfortable is one of the things it 'looks' like.


I think what the coach is encouraging you to do is positive visualization. So many LBSers come here with a VERY negative outlook. Just in the last couple of days I bet I've read 6 different comments along the lines of "I need to accept that it's over and he's/ she's never coming back." Negative energy KILLS any recon chances, and also makes the LBS a miserable, depressed mess. This is why we say get out, get a life, reconnect with old friends, rebuild your life, become strong and independent. Because if you do that you will have nothing but positive thoughts and you will be HAPPY, and happiness is infectious. The WAS is NOT happy, and when they see the LBS happy then they start thinking "wow, what is he doing? I want that (and him) in my life!" Anyway, my point is the coach is trying to get you to visualize a positive outcome and see that it is not only possible but probable if you can change your attitude.

So my point is, making her stay for 15 minutes should not be your goal. Your goal should be self-improvement. If she stays for 15 minutes -on her own- then that is a sign that what you are doing is working. It is a result. See the difference? It's important to set proper goals and achieve them. But they need to be 100% under your control, not dealing with what your W will do or what you want to make her do. I am belaboring this point a bit because if your goal is for her to stay X minutes, then your actions will be geared towards delaying her and tying her up with more talking, or showing her pictures or whatever at a time she does NOT want that. So you may hold her there for X minutes and count that as a benchmark victory when in fact it may make your sitch worse. Now if she WANTS to linger then that's different.

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I have thought about looking into my own legal representation - but every time I google search lawyers, I lose it and start crying. Is that what people would advise before she brings it up again?


I understand that feeling and remember it too well. Personally I asked W if I could review the D papers before she served me to see if we could agree on how to split things up. She allowed it, I reviewed the papers and marked them up (mostly correcting errors), we met and reviewed the comments and she sent the revisions to her L and that's what I ended up being served with. Later W decided it wasn't equitable and went for more money, I weighed just agreeing versus fighting it and decided I would probably spend more in L fees fighting it plus would have to deal with the misery of a court battle so in the end I agreed to it and the court date ended up just being a formality. So I never did have an L.

Quote:
Just in the last week I have started to be more angry about this situation. I don't want to sit in limbo for years and be someones plan B. I do love her but I have grown so much and am in such a different place in life than she is.


Anger is definitely a normal part of the grieving process. There are 5 stages and we all go through them in different order and can even cycle back and forth between them multiple times until we finally get to acceptance.

Last edited by Cadet; 07/06/17 02:55 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Me-70, D37,S36
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