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T,

25 and sandi are spot-on here.

I'll add this: I'm noticing a trend. Every question you ask relates to how you should respond to what H is doing or saying.

How about we put reactions and responses aside and let's talk about YOUR ACTIONS (not *re*actions)? You've been operating on the defensive. Maybe it's time to start getting back to T0 now.

Do you have time to take a daily walk?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
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The boys and I actually walked to get slurpees today haha. I go for my 6 week PP check up Friday and I'll be going to the gym after that. I need to do something to make myself feel better.

I want him to be sorry and regret leaving again.

I think it's time that I stop being so weak to him. I need to know my next step. Depending on if he comes home tonight or not .


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2746812 06/14/17 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted By: T0324
The boys and I actually walked to get slurpees today haha. I go for my 6 week PP check up Friday and I'll be going to the gym after that. I need to do something to make myself feel better.

I want him to be sorry and regret leaving again.


I'll see that and raise you - cool

I want my h to be rejected & shunned by all who know us as PART of his deeply felt remorse...

Sigh...I may not be proud of these^^ feelings, but I for sure have had them. Are there many of us who have not had these wishes??




I think it's time that I stop being so weak to him.

Be the strong woman you know you are. I just read about how resilience is like a muscle we can train (I'm reading Sheryl Sandberg's book, about getting thru her grief).

I know YOU KNOW you have it. And it can be developed more, too.


I need to know my next step.

Depending on if he
comes home tonight or not .


T0,

Do you thnk another conversation about your r will help at all?? Or cold silence or what?
I'm asking...

Imo, no matter what HE does/says,

it's time to be in charge of your life. Marshal resources, let's figure it out.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
T384 #2746814 06/14/17 07:19 AM
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[quote=T0324]Sandi. I wish you could talk to me in real life...

So I haven't talked to h. He told his mom he was done. She said she spent hours talking to him (I did not ask her to). That he didn't give a reason. He just told her everything was going to be okay but that he was done and there was no changing his mind. She said he was like a completely different person. He was 'unplugged' shut out cold etc. she said she cried as he dropped her off and ask him not to change all our lives like this again.

Soon after she text me that I got a text from H. If you remember he had told me he wasn't going to the concert. He was only going if they had an extra ticket but that he didn't think they would.

Well his text says I have until 11am Saturday then I'm going to the concert with my bosses.

I haven't responded. I don't plan on it. I had already told him my study group was between 4-5 and was about 30 minutes away and I would need to be gone for 2 hours. So he knows that doesn't work.

My family wants me to respond to him and ask him to coke get his things.

I didn't respond as I said. So he then sends my mom a text ....

'Would you be able to help watch the boys for 2-3 hours on Saturday afternoon? W has to meet for a study group to study for her test on Monday. I'm heading to west palm for the evening with all of my bosses. If not don't worry about it I will figure something out. Thanks!'

I asked my mom not to respond
.


Why?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
T384 #2746816 06/14/17 07:23 AM
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Hi 25. I didn't mean a R talk when I asked about tonight ...

I meant what's my stance IF he comes home and goes to the concert so I allow him to still stay here.

I mean he thinks my parents are going to watch HIS kids while he goes to a concert for Father's Day weekend. Which as you guys know my dad watches the boys several times a week and my mom takes them often on the weekend.

If anyone remembers he did this last BD. Took OW 1 to a concert Father's Day weekend. It's like the SAME STORY all over again


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It's crazy how the cycle repeats. Same thing happened in my sitch, it was like a replay of the bomb drop 10 months earlier.

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Do I ask him to leave or just let it play out? My plan was to say nothing. See if he comes home and if he comes home just say nothing and just work on my school work. Not say a word about anything.

These ^^ choices are you being reactive or you being powerless. ALL about what HE will do on this one night. He knows what buttons to push and he is pushing them.

So Unplug the buttons and make some plans for a life without this insanity. It is Not healthy.



My parents think he's lashing out like he did about bike week when he first dropped the bomb a few months ago. That he's lashing out because I told him no to the concert.



Well he sure showed you!

Frankly, who cares why he's lashing out? Isn't the point that he is lashing out?

Is it b/c you think down deep no loving woman with 3 kids including a newborn baby and a job in school, would dare to ask her h for help and say "no" to a freaking concert???

What would you tell someone else who believed ^^that?


I've been in touch with a friend that's an attorney and have received some numbers of some local attorneys. I am going to try to consult with at least one on Friday so I know my rights before I do anything.

^^^Smart. Interview more than one before hiring - even if it's only by phone, given the baby sitting needed.

See if there's a 'Second Saturday" group near you. It's a presentation for the financial aspects of divorce, usually for women.

I went last week (On a Sunday, ironically) and there was a L, a T and a CPA there. I learned things I needed to know. It costs $25 to attend, so it was a no brainer. Very useful. The local Women's Center in your community usually has good resources for that too.


I'm. Losing it. I'm exhausted. This is my only place to vent. So I'm sorry everyone had to hear me sounding so weak. I'm trying to hold it all together.


FYI you don't come off as weak. Confused, yes. Hurt, and at times indecisive but not weak. Weak is not caring for your boys or maintaining r's with your parents or not caring how your life is headed.


I just took the boys to lunch but I am dying inside. I'm looking at this baby and I feel like I'm falling apart. I have let my children down again. I brought an innocent life in the world to live in separate homes.

STOP SIGN to this^^^....it's not true and it's not productive. You must redirect.

I didn't have children to see them 50% of the time. I know I'll be okay I just have a lot of mud to walk through.

I'm just not sure what my next step is.

Respond to the text? Ask him to move out? Or just not react to anything.


Make an appointment with the L.

Make plans for your study group and if your mom can take the kids, okay. So be it.

If not then let him handle it as he said he would AND which he will soon need to on his visitation days anyhow.

(I'd be shocked if your h used up 50% of his visitation btw, but let's not go down the rabbit hole of worst case scenarios).

T0, he's going to do what he's going to do no matter what you say.


If "asking him to leave" will feel like some control on your end, then do it.

If it's going to haunt you with thoughts that you "made him leave," then don't.

I do not believe it'll change anything in the long run.

But this situation Is costing you so much internally, emotionally, psychologically & physically. It's bad for you.

I read somewhere the sometimes our fears/anticipation of an event is

worse than the actual event itself.

Think about that. Take charge of your life and stay strong b/c you are strong.

If we were there we'd all get you some comfort food and rock that baby, and let you sleep (or bingewatch netflix).

For now, get through this day.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Is he too far gone?
Is there no hope for my M


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
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