Further, I am somewhat inclined to remind her "I can't control what you do in your circle, only in mine.Ive told you what I wont allow in my circle. I put my trust in you, (twice, now, at marriage and when you promised no contact) and you promised to respect that boundary, and then you broke that promise. Did she really make a verbal promise? I thought she said something more along with "nothing had changed"). Not sure how I can trust you now." If she for some reason says she is sorry and/or it's over with OM and/or she wants to try again: "If you want back into "my" circle and to be close to me or to work on the MR WITH me, I think YOU need to show ME what you can do so that I can trust you and allow you to be that close to me. If YOU want to do this and if you can cut contact and commit 100% working on the MR, then I will give 100% of what I have to work on it as well, but... I cannot make you do anything...(You don't have to work in everything that was said to you on the board).what can YOU do, what WILL you do to demonstrate that commitment to me?" And I can think of a few things (immediately cough up the "cheater phone", have an open convo with me about what is going on with the OM, agree to cut contact with the bff, etc.) (I doubt she is going to agree to no contact with OM and her BFF. And as for having an "open" conversation about what's going on with OM......you do not need to do that b/c it implies that you really "don't know" and it will lead to too much R talk, which will tear down what you are trying to accomplish in this time slot). but it seems to me at that point I should not be imposing "limits" or "rules" on her. The impetus should be on her to prove herself. I am just protecting my boundary. (IDK, but that sounds a little contradicting. You have already said you think she needs to show you that you can trust her again. So not sure what you mean by imposing limits or rules on her. True, you cannot force her to do what you want, but neither do you have to continue to tell her. If she honors your boundary, it will automatically impose limits. No, I would not use the word "rules" anywhere in your conversation). This conversation needs to be shorter, b/c you are trying to use too many words.
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dunno, I think I DO get it, i just think my words I type are sometimes inartful.
But i TOTALLY GET boundaries and have read the materials. Multiple times.
Yes, i DO frequently ask for thoughts on particular scenarios but that is more from being over-analytical and over-meticulous (both of which I am often guilty) than not being grounded in the basics.
Okay.
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Oh, speaking of bff. Here is another tactical question. W wants to have her stay overnight at our house as a favor as she is going through town. This is another "W doesn't know that I know" issue, but bff has clearly been enabling the A, and I almost feel like that if this comes to a head, at some point, maybe not during this initial convo, but at some point, maybe next time around, I have to say "i know your bff has been helping you carry on the A... I don't want her staying under my roof. I have a choice as to who I allow access to my house and to get "close" to me and I don't want her staying her under the circumstances." My inclination would be that right now this would be a bridge too far, yes?
Well, she has a choice who stays under her roof, too. So be very cautious about going into overdrive with your rights and/or boundaries. I agree that the BFF is an enabler, and at some point you may have to discuss it with your W. I have noticed that you tend to get ahead of where you are currently going. That's why I got confused at the beginning of your initial thread. In the long run, it seems it would keep things a bit clearer to not bite off too big of a chunk at one time. I realize you want to cover these issues, but I think you need to be cautious about including too much in one discussion.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, Sandi. Sorry to be such a pain. I think my most important takeaways from this second thread is to have more confidence in what I know and what I know is good for ME and my boundaries, as well as what I have learned from the DB principles. In MOST cases I know what the right answer is to the questions I ask, I just need to 1) be more confident in that and, especially 2) Do NOT get ahead of myself, do not get too wordy, and do NOT spin scenarios. Work with what is in front of me.
Continuing with rope-dropping, anticipating a conversation about my boundary and the no-contact issue imminently, and moving on to thread three. Say a prayer for me all-- if anyone can help keep me grounded and get me through this, it's the man upstairs!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
