PLEASE talk to a lawyer before just moving out of state. I worry if you just head off that you could be seen as abandoning them (regardless of your actual intent) and just because your W verbally agrees to you having them for the summer....doesnt mean that she will sing the same tune in a few months/years when thats put to the judge to decide. If she says that you just left, do you really think youll get custody for months at a time?
25YearsMLC I'll be back to respond more in depth to your post later today or tomorrow when I have more time. The short version is I have some clarifying to do on a few points from my perspective (i.e. my focus on the affair has been internalized, I have not been lording it over her at all) but overall I agree with the majority of what you have to say. I've not handled the sitch well because I am scared and acting emotionally. The good news is that I have 6 weeks now to give her space and when we meet up again I can come to the table with newfound understanding and clarity.
Kaizen, we came to a mutual agreement on me leaving the state for the trial separation and we came to that agreement with our MC who is also going to act as our divorce mediator should we decide to file. We are not using a lawyer at any point in this process. My tone comes off as combative, but in all honesty we have been completely amicable in this situation. This morning she cooked me breakfast and we had coffee together and watched Good Morning America. We both care deeply for each other, but the marriage is shattered and we both have different agendas on what to do about it. We're not trying to hurt each other.
The only reason I'm leaving the state isn't to punish her or hurt her, it's because we cannot financially afford a second residence. My parents live out of state, so that's where I'm going and it will be short term. After reading and reflecting on what 25YearsMLC had to say, I agree I'm acting emotionally and defensively by telling her if we don't start counseling I'll move away semi-permanently. I'd like to give her space, and when I return in 6 weeks let her know the last thing I want to do is put distance between me and her, me and the kids, or her and the kids and that we should try and figure out a way for us both to get what we need and go from there. I have plenty of time to reflect on that, no need to get too far ahead of myself, but for now just focus on PMA/GAL/180's and keeping things as good as possible between the W and I.
M:33 W:34 S:9 S:11 M:12 years T:16
BD: 02-09-2017 (ILYBINILWY) MC Started: 2-12-2017 EA Discovered: 2-13-2017 PA Discovered: 4-16-17
We both care deeply for each other, but the marriage is shattered and we both have different agendas on what to do about it. We're not trying to hurt each other.
Yes, I get what youre saying. And believe me, I hope that for everyone's sake, this can continue. But Ive been around here for a while and seen too many stories where one person leaves and the door slams shut behind them.
All Im saying is that if you are going to be away for 6 weeks leaving W in full custody, I would get something DOCUMENTED that explains the long term plan.
Just because you 'arent trying to hurt each other' now, doesnt mean it will be the same in a week, a month, or 6 months down the line. Protect yourself and your relationship with your children.
I appreciate the concern, and if things appear to change in the future I will consider what you're saying. At this point we have our MC who is also our divorce mediator should we go that route. We're taking a trial separation as a break, no paperwork of any kind filed and no decisions made. I'm not "leaving", just giving her space, and she's aware that I'm on a one way ticket so I can come back at any point should things change.
I don't want to contact a lawyer, as 25YearsMLC has pointed out I've been very combative using leverage and ultimatums and shading on bullying. We've agreed to keep lawyers out of it and mediate with our MC if we go that direction, so going against that and contacting a lawyer would be another act of aggression. Something I desperately need to 180 away from.
M:33 W:34 S:9 S:11 M:12 years T:16
BD: 02-09-2017 (ILYBINILWY) MC Started: 2-12-2017 EA Discovered: 2-13-2017 PA Discovered: 4-16-17
I appreciate the concern, and if things appear to change in the future I will consider what you're saying.
You can do that. Like I said, Im worried that by the time 'things change', it will be too late. It will be your word against hers, and theres not a 0% chance that it will be the one who is staying in the home with the kids that will be the "tiebreaker".
Originally Posted By: RunRec
We're taking a trial separation as a break, no paperwork of any kind filed and no decisions made. I'm not "leaving", just giving her space, and she's aware that I'm on a one way ticket so I can come back at any point should things change.
Again, this is all well and good right now. I understand this is a trial separation, and Im not suggesting you need to file something with the government.
Originally Posted By: RunRec
I don't want to contact a lawyer
I would strongly advise that you do. I think it's important that you understand your rights. You dont have to tell your W, and most will give you a free consultation. This is for you to be educated on what pitfalls to avoid.
Originally Posted By: RunRec
so going against that and contacting a lawyer would be another act of aggression. Something I desperately need to 180 away from.
I agree that you need to 180 away from being overly aggressive. I completely disagree that protecting your rights as a parent is an act of aggression. Protecting yourself is not attacking her.
Id advise you to read the postings by BEClem. He left for 6 months on a trial separation and never was able to move back in the house. I believe in the end he lost tons of parenting rights as well. Just saying; Ive seen too many people have the rugs pulled out from under them and Id hate for you to be added to the list.
Kaizen is right. In the law we have two principles. One is yes, we like written contracts. The other is that if someone is silent where there is a duty to speak certain presumptions can be made. At the very least document it with a kind and business-like email, only on the one topic (if you ever have to introduce it in court you don't want to deal with all the other garbage that could be in there).
Dear Wife,
Thank you for our discussion of ________ in which we agreed that I will be going to stay with my parents for 6 weeks to give some time for us to each have space and for me to able to make some additional money. As we discussed, I will be returning to the house at the end of the 6 weeks. I hope this will give us both some time to work on ourselves and reflect on our situation.
You can be less formal if you want, but you get the gist.
Just curious, as I'm starting to come around on the idea of lawyering/protecting myself/seeking custody of my children: would a text message be sufficient or would it need to be an email? I ask because my wife and I never communicate via email, so a text message like that wouldn't really raise any red flags. An email, she'd definitely be suspicious why I'm emailing basically proof of our discussion.
M:33 W:34 S:9 S:11 M:12 years T:16
BD: 02-09-2017 (ILYBINILWY) MC Started: 2-12-2017 EA Discovered: 2-13-2017 PA Discovered: 4-16-17
Email is preferrable. Why don't you want her to know you are documenting it. I would think that would be a good thing. If she doesn't raise a flag now it will be harder for her to do so later on. If she is going to try to raise it as an issue, best to know now before you go.
I just skimmed through this so i apologize in advance if I end up making any unfair assumptions...
You have a 9 and 11 year old? What is in their best interest right now? Is their any family social workers or counselors that can offer you advise on how to proceed. Will you be visiting them every weekend after your move? What are you doing right now to meet their needs, during this very tumultuous time.
You mentioned you wanted your wife to see what it was like living like a single mom. Well, She probably has already if you had an addiction issue.
You mentioned that you wanted her to consider what it would be like missing out on them for the entire summer....to be honest, that comment really did not sit well with me. No mother wants to be separated from their kids because dad is capable of leaving state permanently to make his life easier. And that is in no way ideal for kids. The way you posted that here, to me doesn't sit well. It sounded more punitive then anything else.
