Struggling

[joejoe1]

Well, if you read the detachment feed it says "don't contact unless due to emergencies. If she truly needs your help. Help with love and care, but dont expect nothing from it.

[Jim1234]

Tomorrow we're going into the City to look at NYU with our son. He's going to stay in the City and come home later tomorrow night, so W and I are going to be in the car together for about 1 1/2 hours on the way home.

Part of me is looking forward to spending some time with her; part of me is dreading it.

Our conversations these days all seem to devolve into "you should work more" with the implication that I should pay for the lion's share of college since I can make a lot more money than she. No matter how many times I tell her "I can't work more" she doesn't hear it and just gets herself worked up and angry.

Of course, before she moved out and bought a house with money we had saved, there was plenty of money to send the kids to college, but that doesn't seem to enter into the discussion.....

[Jim1234]

Had a very nice day today. The college visit was informative, beautiful day in the City, everyone was pleasant.....

Part of me was dreading the drive home, but it was actually good. We chatted pleasantly, we discussed issues with the kids, brought up a few 'housekeeping' issues that we were able to resolve amicably, and even had a potentially contentious financial discussion where I tried to validate her feelings, and it stayed pleasant.

I even apologized for complaining about how little she did around the house when we were together, because now I realize the toilets don't clean themselves. I don't think it was in a "come back to me" way, but rather a "sincere apology for having done wrong by her for years" sort of way, without any expectations. She appreciated it, and the conversation moved on to other things.

[Jim1234]

Having a bit of a hard time today.

I walked a book that I borrowed back to a neighbor's house yesterday afternoon. Chatted on the porch, realized I had plenty of food for dinner, and invited her to join the kids and me. She has been a frequent dinner guest at our house when W was living here. (It wasn't a weird thing to do; it was very normal, with no ulterior motive.)

She said no, thank you, and after a moment's hesitation, confessed she felt like it would upset W if she came to dinner with me and the kids. At the time, I just accepted that.

After returning home, I thought about what she said a little bit, and realized two things. 1) She is worried it would upset W if she came to dinner with me, but doesn't really care that I might have become upset when she had drinks with W last week? and 2) Does that mean W would be upset if I was entertaining friends?

Item 1) kind of pisses me off. And item 2), as much as I'm trying to disconnect, kind of makes me think "good, maybe she'll think a bit and realize what she's missing," which also pisses me off because I'm not disconnecting as well as I'd like.

[AnotherStander]

After returning home, I thought about what she said a little bit, and realized two things. 1) She is worried it would upset W if she came to dinner with me, but doesn't really care that I might have become upset when she had drinks with W last week?

Well it is different, because she is a woman and you're a man so she is no doubt concerned your W may think there's some romantic connection happening there even if your intentions are pure. Obviously there is not the same risk with her having drinks with your W, it's just two same-sex friends hanging out.

and 2) Does that mean W would be upset if I was entertaining friends?

Look at it this way. You have a good friend that breaks up with his wife and you are friends with both of them. His wife stops by your house to drop off a book and asks you to dinner. Would you go? Surely in your mind you would be thinking "no I can't do that, my buddy might think I'm trying to move in on his W". You would think that EVEN IF YOU HAD DRINKS WITH HIM THE WEEK BEFORE, right? I don't see anything here to be angry about, your friend is just trying to keep the peace with both of you, I think she's doing the right thing.

[Jim1234]

You have a good friend that breaks up with his wife and you are friends with both of them. His wife stops by your house to drop off a book and asks you to dinner. Would you go? Surely in your mind you would be thinking "no I can't do that, my buddy might think I'm trying to move in on his W".

I understand your point, and, for example, have avoided including a friend's ex wife in golf outings so as not to upset him.

Maybe I'm too close to the trees to see the forest. Would it make any real difference if the scenario was that I had this woman over to my house almost every time my W was on a (frequent) business trip, with W's knowledge and encouragement, for various reasons the idea of a romantic relationship was ridiculous, and we would only be continuing these obviously platonic dinners?

[AnotherStander]

Would it make any real difference if the scenario was that I had this woman over to my house almost every time my W was on a (frequent) business trip, with W's knowledge and encouragement, for various reasons the idea of a romantic relationship was ridiculous, and we would only be continuing these obviously platonic dinners?

I'm just trying to look at it from your friend's point-of-view, and I think she's attempting to avoid any possible -appearance- of impropriety. The difference between now and before is (obviously) that your M is on the rocks. So you are potentially "available" to the opposite sex now whereas you weren't before. So even though you and she may have perfectly harmless intentions, you really don't know how your W would perceive it if you had her over. I am 99% sure that your W would suspect something no matter how much or little you might explain to the contrary, and your friend probably knows that.

[Cadet]

Please start a new thread