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Surv1ve #2774924 01/11/18 08:16 AM
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Happy birthday Surv1ve!! It's amazing how selfish they become but I guess it's keeping our pesky expectations in check! I'm sure if he was human he will be feeling a little guilty about going out on your birthday!

You sound like you've got this Surv1ve!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 #2774926 01/11/18 08:20 AM
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He totally said, "I can't cancel on the guys. I'll feel like such a jackass."

ALL I COULD DO TO RESTRAIN MYSELF FROM SAYING, "But, going out on my birthday is no big deal." OMG.

I did make plans with other friends in the evening. But, I'll be glad when this period is over... Christmas, New Year's, birthday 1 and birthday 2.

H was actually super depressed about his birthday and wouldn't provide any preferences to the family as to how to celebrate it, but I took over his chores and brought home takeout as a minimum standard (and the kids are watching, right?) and he thanked me about 12 times. I have sort of always hated that his birthday is right before mine because he's always been not great about celebrating birthdays and making a fuss over him literally 9 days before my birthday should sort of send a message? But, that was him before BD so if I want him back, I need to accept that is probably not going to change.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Coly23 #2774927 01/11/18 08:20 AM
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Survive, mine is next week. I won't get a home-cooked meal or a dinner out. I will likely hear nothing (or get a creepy hoovering e-card) but that is ok by me.

I hope that you have a glorious day.

Your H is so very interesting in his thought process. Since mine is PA and completely silent, it is so illuminating to hear others' reports of the cray-cray!

OwnIt #2774931 01/11/18 08:33 AM
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I know. And, he's actually putting a lot of effort and care into the meal.

Good things that have happened lately:

One day during winter break, I elected to stay home rather than go out with EX/OM and the kids to a museum. I really just wanted to be home and make myself some new sweater clothes (I Frankenstein sweaters together into clothing). Typically, if I choose to stay home, H assumes that I am staying home to try to spend more time with him and he goes apeshit on me. So, when I made the decision this happened...

Me: H, can I check in with you?
H: (heavy sigh)
Me: Um, that was a sigh.
H: Check in is a trigger word for me. It means I did something wrong and I'm in trouble.
Me: Okay. Can I please talk to you in the kitchen for probably less than 5 minutes about how today is going to go?
H: Yes, better.
Me: I want to stay home, but I don't want to deal with your brand of crazy. I am not staying home to hang out with you, and I don't want to deal with you defensively protecting yourself from what you think is my attempt to hang out with you.
H: Then, don't. Don't put up with it.
Me: Easier said than done. I haven't figured out how to reject your crazy without escalating it.
H: Yeah, okay.
Me: So, I'd rather avoid it.
H: Well, I'm planning to go climbing.
Me: That's fine.
H: (hackles up, angry) Of course it's fine. I have a car and no kid responsibilities.
Me: (deep breath) Rephrase. Your plan to go climbing doesn't interfere with expectations I have and haven't communicated to you that we hang out together. I can see how my intended neutral statement of "it's fine" could read as permission giving when you're sensitive to that.
H: (Nod). And, I don't know when, but I realized that you no longer hang out at home in hopes of my attention. It probably changed long before I noticed it, but it's no longer my story.
Me: (thank god)
Me: It's cool when stories change. I realized last time you followed up with me about plans that I no longer have a story that you won't even bother to get back to me. You've been so consistent with that, and my story changed and I didn't even remember that it used to be my story.

A couple of times he's acknowledged that he's actually a super emotional being and that he's learning to process that. And, not too long ago, we joked about how old he is... he said he was 12, and I said, "No, 12 year old still want their mother's approval. You're more like angry 16 year old." and he laughed.

I think my challenge here is to accept that he's currently fairly sane while not getting my hopes up or expecting it to last any longer than right now. I am also trying to figure out how to now be small or pretzel while also not being demanding.

I used to be "not allowed" to go into the basement room where H and EX/OM sleep. It came up again, and I basically told both of them it was my house and, effective immediately, I would go into it whenever I wanted. H has always said he doesn't care, but EX/OM insisted. H said, "That'll just make EX/OM move out faster." (Like, it was almost verbatim from that hilarious mid life for dummies thing...) And, I just shrugged and said, "It is intolerable for me to not be allowed in a room in my own house. If that makes either of you move out, I will help you pack."

The whole thing was fairly anticlimactic once I informed them I was done with that.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2774945 01/11/18 09:02 AM
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New Thread:

Still surviving

Last edited by job; 01/11/18 09:53 AM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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