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Originally Posted By: helies
I am not sure of the etiquette about posting on someone else's link. Apologies if I am violating, I think this is the link to mine if it makes more sense to respond there:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2734655#Post2734655.


When my H had an emotional affair when he was away during residency I told him if he had a PA I would be gone. I didn't go in Jan 2016 when I discovered that. He came back briefly and I told him if he left again he wouldn't be welcome back. Since then (October 2016) I've been looking for all the signs he's coming back.

When he left in Oct. 2016 he virtually abandoned our children. This is a guy who was at least outwardly a decent father who at least financially supported his children's very expensive and unconventional activities. In retrospect, he was checked out a long time and I was the link between him and the kids.

I think he broke up more permanently with the OW around Xmas because he got his own place. He has made references to being alone (specifically in response to a request that he stop villifying me, he said he had no one to villify me to). Suddenly since January his behavior has changed. He texts the kids for a while and as soon as they see him he stops. Then he vanishes again. Then a while later he starts texting them again. If they don't respond, he texts me. I make them see him. He comes around a while and then vanishes again.

He does some kind of temp check with me weekly. Sometimes shifty like moving money so I have to respond, a formal email that looks like he might use it in court (which he knows will make me respond), sometimes asks to see the kids, or asks about something they are up to.

Saturday he posted a poem about Odysseus and the longing of a father and husband to return home. He loves the classics. He knows well how that turned out. In November he posted a quote and specifically changed the word spouse to friend, so this is a change.

These are the mixed messages.

I am terrible at boundaries, as I've just established. But the way he is treating the children is unforgiveable. He has been texting them sweet texts twice a day for the last week. Suddenly they are personal and targeted to that kid. Not a generic group text to the two that was all he could manage previously. My son is very emotional. He has gone from straight As to a kid who doesn't turn in homework and lies. My daughter failed a class last term and is a graduating senior and still having trouble doing work.

Neither of them wants anything to do with him (or so they claim), but the moment he shows up and gives them attention, they eat it up and like me start to believe that he has changed. Then he vanishes again and I pick up the pieces as best I can.

I was always his rock. Supported the family for 20+ years while he was a teacher then went to med school, etc. The EA was when he had to go away for residency. Discovered in the Ashley Madison thing he had an unpaid account from years earlier. Then found out about the long term PA in January 2016 (had completely devalued me and was being horrific and I finally got him to confess and he asked for divorce). He is more secretive than anyone you can imagine, he lies constantly, he has been trolling dating sites until all hours of the night (I had a fake profile he winked at around Xmas so I can find out in a second when he has been on even though he has gone low profile), I know he cheated on the OW right after he moved out from some CL ads that I found out about from his phone bill. There are more bad acts but I cannot reveal them for legal reasons. Now he doesn't seem to want a divorce or won't raise the topic. My lawyer and IC who specializes in narcissistic abuse have advised me to sit tight until he wants it. The docs are ready to go when he asks for them.

He was a good husband (not a great one) until about 7 years ago. Since then he has been a liar, a rager, a cheater, and emotionally absent. I do not want that guy back--EVER. If he is NPD he will never change. If he is MLC it sounds like he might.

He now comes to the house (which he wouldn't do in the beginning). Sometimes looks me in the eye. Sometimes texts me like a normal human being about kid stuff. Seems to be experiencing some level of self awareness from his FB postings. Seems more checked into the kids (at least intermittently).

I've told him he can see the kids whenever he wants. All he has to do is tell me when so I can make sure they are here. He keeps texting them knowing they won't respond instead of just asking me for a time.

Last Wednesday (my last communication with him) I tried to call him because he was texting our daughter like crazy wanting to take her driving (she is a learner and this seems to be one thing HE actually enjoys doing with her). I called him to tell him she had oral surgery the day before and was on painkillers (and was really behind in school from her college auditions). He saw that I called and texted me saying that she wasn't responding and would she be available that afternoon. I responded and said "not in a good place. I tried to call to discuss but you didn't answer." He responded with "Yes, because I was in a meeting and not with my phone (I know he was off work). Let's drop the passive-aggressive accusations and focus on the problem at hand. I have one early morning meeting tomorrow and can head to ___. Will you have her ready to go by 10:00-10:30ish." I responded with "Wow." I wanted to let him know I thought he was over the top without getting into a big thing. This is typical of our interactions. In retrospect I think he thought I was blaming him for her troubles and giving him crap for not answering--I wasn't. I was just trying to let him know that I had tried calling in response to her not responding to him and his request. He takes every little thing I say and twists it in the most heinous way. Two weeks before that he was sending me nice texts throught the day about her audition and our trip. Then suddenly he stopped responding to me for two weeks until that exchange last Weds.

How can I deal with someone who sends mixed messages to me and the kids and then vanishes or rages when things start feeling too close for comfort. He told me in December that we were over and that I should look to him for nothing but child support and the occassional child care.

I cannot and will not live with someone who lies to me, cheats on me, rages at me, emotionally withholds from me, and dips in and out of the family at his own will.

If the guy he is now is the guy he is going to be, I am never going back. I am financially secure, kids are getting older, have a nice house, some friends nearby. Him not being in my life would be acceptable. BUT . . . he can use the kids as an excuse to continue hoovering/temp checking whatever it is for as long as they are in my care. He can screw with me until my alimony runs out (if he actually signs the separation contract he has agreed to in principle).

Because I see/hear from him so little, I could probably sit in limbo and give it more time IF I could stop feeling like I am letting him control the outcome with no say from me. Right now everything is on his terms. He decides when he contacts us and when he doesn't, when he comes over, whether he uses our bank account or the "allowance" he takes every month to his new separate checking/credit card account. He spews, projects, devalues, and withholds.

I have been very careful not to embarass him, out him, nothing. I stopped using FB, haven't posted anything about our separation or problems. Only my closest friends and family know. I do not want to jeapardize either his job (which is very well-paid and a good fit for him) or his career I have the power to do both, but that would be bad for my kids and being vindictive is not my thing.

Whatever it is, I think the guys is sick and confused. I don't believe he is in his right mind. I just don't know if he will come out of it and if there will be anything worthwhile for me and the kids if he does. I'm 47 (as is he). We were each other's first serious bf/gf. I've never broken up with anyone in my life. I don't know any other life. We grew up together. We accomplished many things. Our children are exceptionally talented and really great kids.

I feel trapped because in playing the big chess game of life all I see are the bad moves and worse outcomes. I don't want us to lose everything we have worked so hard for. This man I am dealing with is not the one I married.

I don't know why, but I love him despite the horrible things he has done. I worry for him and about him. I don't want the kids to continue to be fatherless. I don't want him to throw away his relationships with his kids/grandkids. I don't want him to commit suicide or lose his job or career when the depression hits (and I see it coming big time).


I'm not sure how to link this^^ or add it to your thread, but maybe a moderator or tech savvy DBer can.

This is a lot^^ of info, and it would benefit you to have it on your own thread.

I think the topic of this thread, "when to give up" is really important and I fear it could be lost if we delve too deeply into your post, here.

Don't worry, I did the same thing when I started out here years ago.

When your own thread has this^ post, it'll be way easier to address your issues.

Hang in there.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Found this thread useful, particularly 25's point about the real options.

Battering that 'teeny' bit of hope into the dirt that LouR mentioned is the toughest thing for me. Because my H just ran and stopped talking to me, I have no idea what he feels about me or our M. None at all. There was no conversation. He still won't say why he wants a D even now, weeks away from it being final. And that seems so weird to me after 18 years.

But the facts are that he filed for D, says he wants to 'move on' and is in another relationship. So, obviously, he doesn't want me in his future life right? Duh. I just find the WTFness of complete silence about his choice, and the contrast with who he was, a real barrier for me. And I'm cross with myself about that. Grrr


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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Yes, that's such a difficult place to be. I held a memorial service for the man my exh used to be with one of my oldest and dearest friends (our maid of honor, actually). It was very healing for both of us as she was deeply hurt by his actions as well. It gave us each a chance to say goodbye to a person we loved who isn't really there right now and it helped me if not move on at least realize that this person is a different one.

Somehow I felt the need to separate the two so I could fully mourn the man I married and also fully realize with whom I'm currently co-parenting.

Frankly, I'm not sure they really have any clear thoughts about their future lives. They seem to all have a vision of what they think will happen in the vaguest of ways with zero notion of how it will come about. It's always struck me that story after story of the LBS shows how widely divergent from reality the MLC vision turns out to be and often how shocked the MLCr is when reality dawns on their foggy noggins.

Silence vs the spewer. Neither is easy to deal with. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} to you Treasur. Best to focus on your own life at the moment and put this aside for now, whenever possible (like that's easy to do, not!).

What are your plans for the weekend? What will you do with this day to make you smile?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I get that bttrfly

I'm thinking about doing something similar on our anniversary on 12th September. Going back to the church where we renewed our vows and burying a small piece of paper with a poem on it. Saying goodbye to my H with a mock funeral I suppose...although no sausage rolls and better quality wine!


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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Hi Forest. Good question.

I think 25 hit the nail on the head. It'll be an event. A thing they do where you finally realise you are done.

I accept that for some it may well just be the passage of time that they eventually realise it's over. Thats a slow burner and I feel sorry for those folks. It must be hard having your life on pause for so long. And lets be honest thats what we do. I know they advocate GAL here and thats good advice but if folks here were really honest with themselves GAL or not they are really just going through the motions. Not really living life.

My reasoning is simple. When my ExW gave me the ILYBINILWY speach was that the end? Nope. When she told me she was pregnant was that the end? Nope. When we had our final conversation and she lied about the conception of the OM's child was that the end? Yip. I knew at that point that this person I thought I knew so well was a habitual lier and was intent on burning every bridge as she ran away from her life that I deserved better than that.

However, I digress. My reason for posting is simple. Once you are done, you will begin to review your past relationship in a different light. When you first arrive here you are hell bent on saving your R. And thats honourable. But when there is no R to save things look different.

In new commers you are basically playing the 'Pick Me' dance. You dont deserve to be in that position, you really dont, but you dance anyway.

They also tell you to look at your R and realise what you did wrong for fear of it happening again. Sage advice but here's my problem.

The say believe nothing of what they say and 50% of what the do. Ok how does that sit with knowing what I did wrong in my M? It doesn't. It's a contradiction because if she was really that unhappy why didnt she discuss it? How can you live with someone that long being misrable and the LBS didnt notice? Because its all BS.

This doesn't stop the emotional roller coaster. Oh no. Just because you are done doesn't mean you stop feeling like cr@p. Doesn't mean you don't still have those imaginary conversations in your head where your STBX realises the pain and hurt they caused and are eternally sorry. You still do that, for a very long time.

What does happen though is you start to see AND call out their cr@p. You may be responsible in part for the problems in the marriage but they are 100% responsible for the affair. Cowards. Nothing more nothing less.

Then you arrive at Meh. Then you are done.

Peace


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
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