Hearing the Fat Lady Sing

[LH19]

JRuss,

Thanks for expanding. My wife has also filed for divorce. I feel the same way in many aspects.

Deep down I know the kids and I will be fine. For the last so many years (can't even remember) none of my needs have been met.

I do know at times struggle with anxiety and the fear of the unknown. Some guilt because I could have been a better husband. I work though it.

One thing I do know is you are going to be just fine. You battled to the end for your kids and no one can ever take that away from you.

[JRuss]

Thanks, LH, and I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. I'm pretty worn out at this point, but also spend a meaningful amount of time now in the lifting state, thinking about all of the things I want to do when she's finally gone, with the kids and without.

I do worry a lot about my children. S10 is showing signs of this negatively impacting him (schoolwork suffering, lashing out (especially at his mother), articulating a bleak outlook about life). I've talked to a child psychologist on his behalf, and she is going to see him at the end of May (was earliest appointment I could get), but he's very resistant to going (which I get, completely -- he's a shy 10-year old). Pretty much always without fail my W spits out the "Kids are resilient" line whenever she is forced to confront what D can do to them. I hope she's right.

On we go.

[25yearsmlc]

JR no tips really

Other than to continue being true to your values, whether it means being nice to your STBX or not tolerating her b/s

As for all the feelings, let time take care of it, and in the mean time do what you have to do, or, better, do what you want to do

I feel as though waking from a long sleep, an illness

But things are fading in the rear view mirror and it feels good

Not perfect, but good

2 things...your awakening resonates with me a lot. Like a fog is lifting.

Second, as confusing as it can be to have a cooperative wife and co-parent -

please know that those of us who are dealing with the alternative, either no contact or utter vilification, would give a lot to be in your shoes.

Easy to say, I know.

I would assume your w will have regrets. They may not be very deep, as it's a lot of damage to inflict on the people who loved you most and facing it would bring most of us to our knees.

But only a seismic change inside her, which you may never be aware of b/c she won't want to tell you,

could even get you on the same page...


and then, once faced with the amount of work she'd have to do,

without a guarantee of her ever being able to return to the marriage as she'd want it, seems improbable.

But it could happen. I have seen it in my family, twice. But you have to move on as if it won't.

Both cases in my family involved all 4 spouses moving on as if there was to be no recon. They all changed. I think that 3 of them went into T or some form of IC.

So 5 & 6 years later, the recon's happened and in one case a brief marriage had occurred in the meantime. (I don't know if A's were involved b/c I was too young to know).

ForGump, Since you know you have co-dependent issues, why not assume she's (in a nice way) on the Australian bush or had passed away, and so she cannot be a factor in your choices?

So you are to rely on just you, for now...is that okay?

If she had really had passed away and after years had gone by, you were all done grieving,
and you were on your own but you were happy,

what kinds of things would you be doing to GAL? Again, assume in this vision of the future, that you are happy.

Any New Hobbies? Any travel? Where? Would you make a job change, or do another move?

Would you play sports, or volunteer? What type? Would you go back to school or take some classes? Audition for something, or learn a new instrument?

etc?

So, Which of those things ^^ can you do, now?

[ForGump]

But only a seismic change inside her

Amen

[25yearsmlc]

ForGump,


Re casual sex, I think some people get pleasure from that, but others do not. I'm in the latter category, as far as I know, but have really only had one sexual relationship my whole life. You know yourself better than anyone else, so trust yourself.

Interesting topic and quite relevant. Yes FG, there are people our age who are just not in good shape. For me it's not about weight, per se. It's about being attracted to the man AND feeling attractive to him.

I want a healthy sex life and that was a strength in my m, until the very late part. (Then h got very one sided. I liked the intimacy even if I did not think I was going to get my "cookies." But that was with my h and I loved him a lot.)

RE a one night stand -yes I know they happen. A heavy friend of mine is VERY in tuned with her sexuality and is very active. She mentioned that she has to "communicate A LOT" with a new partner.

That's the thing - I don't think it would be rewarding for me or most women. A man has to know the woman well enough to know what works for her, and what is uncomfortable. Some men don't want the feedback as it hurts their ego.

I doubt a guy who I'm not really dating, would know or care about what I want/need to enjoy the sex. Anyhow, food for thought.

I agree about the out of shape comment. I look younger than my age, but I worry about being as desirable as I was in the past. I want to lose 10+lbs I gained the past year.
It nags at me.

I'm Not sure if it's the medication I'm on, or depression or my banged up knee, but I'm having to consciously watch what I eat more than I have maybe ever and force myself to exercise - which I used to like.

Here's the thing, if I don't feel my partner is attracted to me enough, then I won't want sex as much.

As for people our age and what we/they want, I heard that for people over 50, the concern is that "they either want a nurse or a purse."


I've been asked out by a handful of men. Sometimes It surprised me as I missed that they were going to ask me out or that they had! If the guy did not come right out and ask me for a date, I just didn't get it. (That's a sign of being married a long time and turning the antenna off.)

Good news is that I've met 2 guys my age, whom I felt very attracted to. I'm relieved!




Re 50 year old dating and hook ups, I'm not the expert (have never used a dating app), but I have enough single friends in that age range that I know it does happen.

Re health, the sad truth is most Americans by their 40s and 50s aren't in great shape, so if that's important to you, maybe you need to become more socially involved with a coed group of people that are interested in fitness/fitness related activities.

Glad to hear you are happy! You continue to be a source of support and inspiration to me in this journey.

FG,

The weight thing is hard to express, b/c you don't want to sound shallow.

But I also don't want to have to take care of another person anytime soon, as this is the first time in my life I've only been responsible for ME. (Meaning, someone very overweight is likely to have health issues now or soon.)

Is it selfish of me to not want to "nurse" a man in the (near) future?

I was faithful to my h so I understand the meaning of vows. So yeah, I want a basically partner - but not a work out nut!

My was in great shape. I'll give him that.
He also expressed disappointment in me for gaining any weight, and commented on women who gained even small amounts. Working out and his weight became an obsession, and he literally would tell me how much weight he lost after a work out.

Anyhow, I'm sensitive about what we are "allowed" to want.

FG is it really about weight, per se, or whether we are attracted to the person? Please tell me It's not selfish of us to want to feel basic attraction to them.

I'm asking.

[kml]

That's the thing - I don't think it would be rewarding for me or most women. A man has to know the woman well enough to know what works for her, and what is uncomfortable. Some men don't want the feedback as it hurts their ego.

I doubt a guy who I'm not really dating, would know or care about what I want/need to enjoy the sex. Anyhow, food for thought.

Don't ASSume! I've had great sex with men who were just casual dates. One good things about dating at this age - grown men have often acquired some skills! I worried too about sex with someone new, as my ex and I knew each other so well in that department. As it turned out, I needn't have worried! The first guy I dated after my ex left was super sexy. And most of my dates since have been great as well. AS for the casual thing - some people just get too attached, and then hurt, and shouldn't do it. But there can be advantages. Before my last boyfriend, I briefly dated a guy who was a classic love avoidant. He was, however, very honest and upfront about it, telling me right from the beginning that he didn't "do" relationships. Because all the cards were on the table, we had a few very enjoyable overnight dates (he's smart, a good cook, interested in book and movies and music) and then I moved on to what I THOUGHT was a more relationship-minded man.

We've stayed friends though, and I can't tell you how nice it is to know right now that, should I get lonely, there's a smart and very sexy friend who would be happy to have me come visit for a weekend. It's very comforting.

Btw, I expressed this very thought to him recently and here's his very sweet reply. As you can see, casual sex can still be thoughtful and kind:

Well thank you Precious. You always have a safe haven getaway (so to speak) an hour + north whenever you need. It is not lost on me the sincere & genuine concern you've have always shown me, especially in my hour of need, I love you dearly for that & I will always be here for you in whatever capacity I'm able & you require. Love you more than you'll ever know.

[ForGump]

Anyhow, I'm sensitive about what we are "allowed" to want.

FG is it really about weight, per se, or whether we are attracted to the person? Please tell me It's not selfish of us to want to feel basic attraction to them.

I'm asking.

"Allowed" to want? By whom?

Of course there needs to be a healthy amount of physical attraction. And it's not selfish... we are humans, not robots.

I feel like I don't understand what you're trying to say....