Same Sitch. New Approach... Feeling Good (part 2)

[Chris73]

Thanks for your post, Joseph. Sometimes it really helps to BE validated while I'm trying to do all the validating!

These days I'm finding that I'm not as detached as I'd like to be (or thought I was). My emotions fluctuate rapidly throughout the day. GAL stuff keeps me from staying in a funk for too long, but I still spend a lot of time in monkey brain mode dissecting my W's words and actions.

From my perspective it seems like everything with her is an afterthought. For example, my W used to pride herself on obsessing over finding the "perfect" gift for everyone. These days I notice that she just pops on Amazon at the last minute, or forgets entirely.

Her selfishness has taken over and my struggle is trying to step away and watch it happen. I know I have no other option. I can't tell her all the ways she's being selfish. Coming from me she would just laugh in my face and pull even further away. She's still going to IC (has been for over a year now) but I think she still has a long way to go.

Meanwhile, life goes on for the rest of us. Now that our separation is common knowledge, I've had a few conversations with people who offer their support. It's so hard not to throw my wife under the bus, but they usually don't ask for details and I try to be vague. To this day I have only told one person about BD/A/OM1 and the subsequent OM2 that I believe she still continues to see have an EA/PA with.

...although, now that we're separated, is it even considered an affair? It would be for me because I still consider myself to be a married man. But if the marriage is over in her heart, perhaps she thinks dating/sex with other men is ok. I don't know.

Anyway, no there has not been a single mention of divorce since her last spew session back in May. Since then we've had 3 sessions with the M&F counselor, but they've all been focused on our kids. We rarely talk about anything other than parenting logistics.

I have no desire to bring up the topics of divorce or mediation, but the living arrangement we have now can't go on much longer. It was the best option for our kids, but eventually we need to transition into two separate living spaces. There's still a bit of cake eating on her part but I know she's feeling the strain too. Trying to live in two places isn't easy.

The final point to bring up is that she's currently dealing with a cancer scare. So far the testing has not revealed anything malignant. But she's still concerned and has more testing lined up.

Ending this post on a GAL update:

* I have an appt tonight for floatation therapy. I highly recommend it!

* I power washed half the house yesterday. Other half tomorrow.

* I ordered a bunch of stuff to further customize my office into a meditation space.

* Tomorrow is national IPA day and I'm working from home, so I will go out for lunch and have a couple of world class beers.

* I'm off on Friday. Planning a morning trip to a local theme park and riding a few coasters before the crowds show up.

* Saturday I'm going to the Panorama music fest in NYC to see my favorite band Tame Impala

[TBSakaJ9]

Dude that's awesome...sounds like you have a lot to keep you busy. Your sitch and mine have some similarities but I am not as far down the path as you. My DB coach says my W is in a MLC and most likely there is another man but I have no proof. We have been physically separated for over a month now and she told me on Friday that a D is going to happen. She first told me back on Memorial Day that she wanted one. That is the reason why I asked as it appears to me that saying they want 1 and actually going through with it are 2 completely different things.

Has your W ever given you any indication that she wants to reconcile?

[Chris73]

Has your W ever given you any indication that she wants to reconcile?

Unfortunately she has. And I say unfortunately because I still beat myself up about all the bad decisions I made when she was still trying. After she revealed her affair (over a year ago now), she was remorseful. She told me she didn't want to end the marriage or break up the family and that she had a lot of "work" (in the IC sense) to do. Things got better but then got worse and by the end of October she was suggesting that I should move out. Bear in mind that she met OM2 right around this same time.

Most of the people I talk to tell me that there was nothing I could have done. That she had made up her mind a long ago and was just dragging it out and working up the courage to deal with the guilt. But I still regret all the spying, begging, crying, and convincing that I tried to do during the first 3 months after BD. If she was still on the fence, I'm sure my behavior helped to push her to the side of leaving.

[TBSakaJ9]

I would agree....all of us have issues, no marriage is perfect. some people choose to stay and work through it while others do something like this or just leave like my W and offer no explanation. How much longer do you feel you can go on? Has anything change with the physical separation?

[Holding]

* I have an appt tonight for floatation therapy. I highly recommend it!

Oooh, tell me more about this. I've heard this mentioned here a few times. How does it work? What's it like? Who does it?

[Vapo]

Tame Impala? That's AWESOME!

[Chris73]

* I have an appt tonight for floatation therapy. I highly recommend it!

Oooh, tell me more about this. I've heard this mentioned here a few times. How does it work? What's it like? Who does it?

Hi Holding. Floatation Therapy is also referred to as a Sensory Deprivation. It involves floating in about a foot of water that is saturated with Epsom salts. The water and the air in the tank are both around 98 degrees. With earplugs in, you get completely undressed, get in the tank and close the door. With no sight, sound, or gravity to distract you, and because your body, the water, and the air are all equal temperatures, you are able to "let go" much easier.

It took me a couple sessions to really let go. I thought I would have some claustrophobia issues, but that wasn't a problem. The real issue is whether or not your mind is racing. At first I thought I was supposed to be doing mindful breathing meditation while I was in there. But the past few times I just let my mind wander and eventually I zone out. Time doesn't really exist in the tank so eventually, when they turn the lights on (after 90 mins) it feels like it's only been about 20. During that time it's hard to tell if you've actually fallen asleep, but if you do it's the best sleep you'll ever have. Plus the magnesium in the Epsom salts is great for body aches.

Tonight will be my 5th or 6th time and I'm now committed to doing it at least once/month. Hopefully you can find a place near you if you want to try it.

[Chris73]

How much longer do you feel you can go on? Has anything changed with the physical separation?

It's hard to say. About a month ago I was DONE, but that decision was rooted in anger. Today I find myself still holding out hope. Although I have no delusions that piecing will be easy.

The physical separation has definitely helped because I'm not as anxious as I was when we were both living in the house. I would see her every day and on the nights she worked I would stay up to wait for her to come home (most nights it was several hours after she was done working). Now I only see her in passing. It still hurts but it doesn't last as long.

But the problem for me is that even hinting at the fact that the separation is an improvement over the previous living arrangements makes me feel like I'm going along with her. And I have to resist the urge to remind her that I don't want a divorce.

[Chris73]

Just finished my float. I feel like warm butter floating on raft filled with pudding! Seriously, it's such a great reset button. And I will sleep like a baby tonight!!

[Chris73]

New thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2754414