advice please (update)

[CW2017]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2729427&page=1

Hi all
just thought I'd provide a quick update to the above as I have now seen an IC. As I am now only thinking about “me”, the best thing about that session was that I came out feeling better about myself. He is amazed at how well I am handling the situation and it is certainly unusual in his experience that W is so affectionate towards me (I know this is genuine), i.e. has not started to withdraw/back away from me. He was the type to not offer generalised advice as every situation is so unique but would not rule out a “best of both worlds” situation. He also backed my “long term plan” of playing the long game (I have a ton of phone text "evidence", W thinks I am satisfied nothing is going on any more -2 confrontations at beginning of January-; she hasn't a clue what I now know; so I am desperate to maintain status quo -for now- because of our domestic setup and do not want her to present her with a window of opportunity to leave me, so I will continue to phone monitor, for evidence of PA in particular). At the same time he said I have various examples here of “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” (e.g. confrontation with evidence along with a well thought out strategy, appearing cold, not reciprocating in bedroom, etc. as all of those could backfire and send her even closer to OM). He was satisfied I am living fairly OK on a day to day basis but of course only time will tell (I am more interested in my physical health at the moment TBH). My thoughts today are that she thinks she can love two men at the same time (although she would not realise it is not “love” with the OM), I will have to go along, again for now, with her getting all her emotional needs out of both situations. If her behaviour indoors changes dramatically then that will have to be the next stage for me to handle (and go back to counselling as agreed yesterday). I would like to think I know her after all this time (but who knows when someone is from the planet Venus); she is certainly a pathological liar in many other situations (not just in this situation) which is easily spotted. I know for a fact she is deeply disturbed and conflicted by the whole situation.

So my text message monitoring confirms their deepening feelings (they have found a disused laboratory at work for their -still- rare rendezvous, they normally occur on lunchtime walks) and she used that opportunity to present him with his Valentine card. Things seemed to get racy given their pent up feelings; I just have to live with this because of my long term plan (which I can only pray has the right outcome no matter how unlikely) even though I am powerless. As said previously, the full blown move to PA would though be the dividing line and would destroy me (this week has been the first in nearly 2 months where I have finally started to sleep normally). The bitter irony here in the UK is that in the event of a divorce I would be the one who would have to move out of the family home and subsequently have to negotiate access to my beloved daughter.

I have to say there was an incredible evening in bed last weekend where I did things she had never asked before in the marriage but still went ballistic over. I know there is an element of distraction in operation here but I have nothing to lose in dissipating any frustrating energies she may have. I am realistic! As I think I mentioned before he has done a good job in assuaging her religious conflict over potential adultery (so we have probably gone from physical attraction to EA to fantasy PA on her part).

Thanks again guys!

BTW, ran out of space on my signature but regarding the PMA abbreviation, for those who know them, what great lyrics in the song Attitude by the Bad Brains!

[CW2017]

PS should also have said that she has stated on more than one occasion to him that it is unlikely to come to anything (which hopefully means that her family setup has to always come first, I live in hope of this) so they should make the most of their limited opportunities and think of them as a bonus.