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Im not sure why he needs to "get" it done

Maybe he thinks the pain he is feeling will be relieved once its finalized
It won't- and there will be way more pain up the road for the MLCer

Love the way you handled it
also great that you will have a week with your family to sort through it
so You will get what you need to get for yourself in the agreement
always better to NOT rush


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Ugh, I said I would try to keep this as short as possible but failed miserably! I just wanted to include as much about the picture as I could. I'm sure there are still more things I could add. Feel free to ask and feel free to hit me with any hard truths you see. I think it's a MLC, but maybe I'm just hoping that it is because then there would be a chance he would wake up and come back to us. This is a person who shares all of my interests and hobbies, a person I share intellectual conversations with. We can communicate our thoughts without even speaking. I never ever thought we would be apart. I still wake up thinking it's a bad dream because it's so unbelievable. Our families are beside themselves because it happened so out of the blue



Karen, I'm so sorry you are here, but this is a great place to be, for this situation.

I'll post more later and in detail.

For now, I would not get bogged down in the term "MLC" at all. It's useless and here is why-


1) your course of action is the same, no matter what it is.

2) in my opinion, the idea that MLCers' come back more often--I'm not sure that's even true.

I think what people mean when they use the term is that their spouses are SUDDENLY RADICALLY different and therefore, they'll snap out of it,

and it's usually triggered by an event.

But what is really the alternative label when a spouse wants out? Any Walk Away Spouse who truly surprises their LBS could easily be seen as an MLCer.

But what's the difference?

Maybe the fear is that they simply want out and then leave us,

A) we deserve it, and B) they won't return.

Whereas if it's all an MLC

then we can shift blame to them AND retain hope.


You seem to be owning your issues and that's a HUGE, HEALTHY step.

If that^^ is true, then your remaining options are about making yourself grow from this and eventually, to be at peace.

Detachment is key to your happy wellness, and GAL is key to Detachment. Plus GAL plugs some of the holes in our lives created by missing the spouse. When you fill whatever spare time you have with new people and GAL, it simply helps.

It can be super hard, but it isn't really complicated.

As to your h and OW... IF they end up together and go so far as to remarry, under these circumstances, 2nd m's that start with affairs, tend to fail. This is not something for you to say. The more people challenge their relationship the more he'll feel forced to defend it. Yes it tends to push them together. And challenging his choices also tends to make him defend those choices more.

You can say something like "I don't recall our m that way, but I'm sorry you were hurt (unless you know you did do something hurtful, in which case a short apology can't hurt).

Another line is "H, if I had it all to do again, there are lots of things I'd do differently" and then drop it.

That^^ shows your ability to change, but it doesn't make you a doormat. And when you hear extensive marital revisions, it's fine to say you don't recall it the same way.

Nothing he does now, negates the love and good memories you have. Though at the moment you might find that happy memories that used to give you joy, now feel painful. I get that. But it gets better.

BTW, I've had 2 family members remarry their former spouses and yes, the 2nd time around was better. I've heard it happens from 6% -15% of former marriages, depending on the source.

IN my cousin's cases a lot of counseling happened for their reconciliation.


So, Instead of labeling his behavior, learn to focus solely on what you can control.
Protect yourself and your d's financially.

Life will teach your h the consequences of his choices. Life will teach him the hard lessons. You don't have to worry about this, at all. IT's a waste of your time and energy. Don't take on the burden of HIS problems.

Spend all of that energy on you, and being present for your daughters. They need you more now, than ever.

They are watching you to see what women of strength and dignity do, when faced with heartbreak...

Indeed, let this painful ordeal at least give you your "money's worth".

Pain is the touchstone for spiritual growth. Or bitterness.

I can already tell you're making the healthier, happier choice.

Hang in there.

I have a feeling Your story is over.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: Bird
W-
D12 has always been very attached to H. She is his "mini me" whereas D10 is my "mini me" both in looks and personality. I've struggled with my relationship with D12 because our personalities are like oil and water and because I shouldered a lot of the burden of her difficulties and am the disciplinarian. She gravitates to him because he isn't the one nagging her about homework, bedtime, etc. Has she taken sides with him? Maybe. I thought about asking her if she blames me, but she may be too young yet to even process what that means.


I hope you never ask her that. If she lashes out at you, which she probably will, it's b/c she does not want to be the reason he left. She wants to think it's YOU, b/c she is terrified it's her.


I'm trying to keep the structure at home the same as before he left - still on her case to pick up after herself and do her homework. I think she might think she should get a pass, as she certainly does with him as he no longer feels the need to parent in that respect. So yeah, maybe.



I'd let him parent DURING the week and when stressful things are due, as much as possible. Let YOU be more of the "fun" parent.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted By: Bird
Thank you Job. It's so hard in the moment to know what is right. It's very difficult to do the 180 because whereas I want to show him that I'm doing great and make him wonder why he left, I also don't want him to let himself believe that I'm just fine and therefore he made the right decision. It feels like a no win situation.


only on the surface. The ultimate eventual thought that "if SHE was the problem, and I wasn't, why is SHE fine now?" is far more likely that you "proving" how great he was by being miserable without him.

And I hate saying this, needy, sad LBSers are not great at attracting back their WA spouses...

PLUS, you being happy is better for YOU. If he never returns, how will you showing your pain and loss, have benefited you?

If he does return, how does you showing your pain and loss, benefit YOU?

NOTE - It will not attract him back and it won't really feel welcoming to him, b/c it's like you are throwing your pain (= his fault/guilt) in his face.


Oh, and your girls are watching. They (and your h) know you are hurt. And angry.

The key here is your recovery and healing and being the best you, that you can become. Without regard to what HE does/plans/feels/says...

It's also paradoxically the most likely way to reattract him.


It's so hard for me to trust and hand this over to Him. I'm afraid that keeping this family together isn't part of the Plan.

That is scary. In my belief system, however, HE gives us the tools and strength we need to face whatever comes...can you ask for that?


Having faith that things will work out means accepting that they won't work out in the way I think they should.

accepting that they MIGHT not work out the way you think...


I realize this is counter to having faith in and of itself but I can't figure out how to let it go and trust.



Like actual forgiveness, I found that actually applying the faith I claimed to have had all my life, took practice.

I listened to Marianne Williamson a lot. She's too new agey for some. But I like her forgiveness exercises.

I would think about turning my marriage and pain and anger, over to God.

Then I'd say it, and that meant I had heard it. Thinking/saying/hearing myself say this out loud, many many times in a row, helped to calm me. And in time I think to an extent, I really did turn it over.

I did this every single day.

This did remarkable (miraculous?) things for my detachment.

Of course, I usually did it in the shower or when I was alone, so no one would think I was totally nuts.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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Last edited by job; 03/27/17 06:19 AM. Reason: Added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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