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Chris, relax, you are working yourself into a frenzy. Your W will come out of it when it's time for her. You cannot do anything for her, but sure as hell you can [censored] things up. I do not know if you can see, but you are teetering on a knife's edge here. You are exhausting yourself looking for the silver bullet and delving into despair when you can't seem to find one. And worst of all you are putting your own growing on hold. And if you don't slap yourself sill and come around, that is going to be your undoing. It seems to me that you got it into your head that you have to be this superman, superhusband, superdad. Well you cannot fix it all. You cannot fix your wife, you cannot fix your marriage. Your wife has to be willing to step up to the plate. Right now, she's about 22. Right now you can't even say she's a good mom. Am I right, or am I right. And you are pissed. Pissed at her for being a teenager again and pissed at yourself, because you can't make things right. I know you made a promise to yourself that you are going to make things right and that you are going to get your W back even if it kills you. You should step away from the hot mess that is your W right now. I know you are worried what she is up to in FL, but you really have to set it all aside as you really have no influence or say over it.

Get your ass in gear and start living life and putting yourself and the children first for change.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Reinhold Niebuhr

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Thanks Vapo. You're right.

Logically I know there's no silver bullet but I guess emotionally I keep looking for that glimmer of recognition that she's moving out of this limbo and towards me... that she will tell me that she wants to try again.

In the beginning I thought rational conversations (which I now refer to as my "sales pitch") and romantic displays of my affection were the solution. I know better now.

These days I'm just simply trying to reconnect with her on a friendship level. But you're right, if the goal is to lovingly detach with no expectations, I'm not always acting with that goal in mind. Many times I'm looking for a reaction and then get worked up when the reaction isn't what I'd hoped for.

Even with the 180s I'm doing around the house (taking control, being proactive, not asking my W for help or her opinion on how to do something) there is a part of me that waits for recognition from my W and then gets resentful when I don't get one.

This is clearly not detachment.

Perfect example... Every year we spend a week at the beach in the summer. Obviously this year no plans have been made yet. And I'm working myself into a frenzy deciding how to approach talking to her about it. But I think the fully detached approach is: "I would like to take the kids to the beach for a week this summer and I need to make the plans now. Here are the dates I'm considering." And just leave it at that. There's no reason why we can't still go despite her limbo status. Of course, at this stage I would probably ask her if she wanted to come with us, but I'm sure some would advise that I don't invite her at all...

Anyway, thanks Vapo. Lots to think about!


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Originally Posted By: Chris73
I think it would be seen as manipulative if I put them up while she's away


Agreed - do things for you - not for her. I was very much in the early days trying to do subtle things wondering how it may impact her, and TBH I still do at times or at least think of it. We wouldn't be good Husbands if we didn't think about how our actions impact our Wives. But in these cases we need to be careful about how they can be seen as manipulative.

If you feel you want to have pictures - put them up at work where she won't know if they are there or not.

As painful as it is - shes in the drivers seat right now around any forward momentum you have with your R - all you can do is move on as if you couldn't care less and GAL.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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Originally Posted By: Chris73
T there is a part of me that waits for recognition from my W and then gets resentful when I don't get one.


Tell me about it. A few times she did acknowledged I have changed. Also not seeing her changed regarding A adds on to that resentment. I feel like I am changing the world, I get the looks that I am a hamster on a wheel.

What keeps me going; "It will happen, it will happen"

Last edited by Cadet; 03/06/17 04:51 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message

Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
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Originally Posted By: PacLove
Originally Posted By: Chris73
I think it would be seen as manipulative if I put them up while she's away


Agreed - do things for you - not for her. I was very much in the early days trying to do subtle things wondering how it may impact her, and TBH I still do at times or at least think of it. We wouldn't be good Husbands if we didn't think about how our actions impact our Wives. But in these cases we need to be careful about how they can be seen as manipulative.

If you feel you want to have pictures - put them up at work where she won't know if they are there or not.

As painful as it is - shes in the drivers seat right now around any forward momentum you have with your R - all you can do is move on as if you couldn't care less and GAL.



I disagree about the marriage photos at work. You can't be reminded every second of your working day what you had, you need to crush it at work and it will lift your selfesteem, and the last thing you need is this constant reminder of the things past. Your M is gone, your R is gone, anything that might happen with your W is a new R and a new M.

Last edited by Cadet; 03/07/17 02:55 AM. Reason: Start a new thread messages
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