Zues, I'm surprised at your claim, too - I wish my M hadn't ended. It wasn't my choice to end it and I fought it as best I could. If WH had put effort into it, we could have been happy.
On Juju's situation - I don't see her 'rehashing the M' or hanging on to drama or anything like that. I see her looking out for her son's safety, along with perhaps getting an explanation for the odd behavior that has been going on for years.
Her ex's secrecy about finances and the disappearance of money has been a huge issue during their M, and now she's finding information during a legal financial discovery process that indicates he spent tons of money at liquor stores and frequently took out cash in dodgy neighborhoods. Yeah, alcohol and drug abuse is a pretty common reason for money disappearing. I don't know about you, but 17k is a lot of money for most people.
If her ex drinks and does drugs, that directly influences the custody situation because her son could be put in danger. She should not sign papers about custody until this has been discussed.
It's great that your ex didn't continue with her destructive behavior and got help - and that's the key, right? She got help. Juju's ex isn't getting help, and he needs to. Her son deserves to keep his father until he's an adult. People die from drugs. I just lost a friend my own age to contaminated heroin. He worked and kept his usage a secret. He left behind wife and children, lots of hospital bills and no life insurance or other benefits.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I am not constructing an addiction. It has to be one. there is no other explanation for what was going on. I asked him about the cash withdrawals. I felt I had the right to. They were so insanely high. We could have had a home. He started saying how it was his money and he could do whatever he wanted with it and that he never looked at how I spent my money. He pointed out that he always met his responsibilities. And I agreed with that point. He deflected and turned things on me. I pointed out that he was doing that. For a moment I thought it was me, but he told me he would refuse a drug test. (neither of us were yelling. It was actually a calm but surreal conversation)
like you, I find it hard to believe that someone could bail on a marriage based on the things I did yet read about people that pine and wait for their spouses who have treated them in the worst way. More importantly I want to know that my son is safe. I worry about stories I hear about involving car accidents with children killed or seriously injured because the driver was not sober. I worry that it is child endangerment to not do anything. I would have nothing to live for if something was to happen to my son.
I have no intention of trying to hinder any relationship between my son and his father. I Never criticize ex regarding his role as dad because I know that could have the opposite affect. I only say things positive to him regarding son and them spending time together. For son's sake, his dad needs to know he plays an important role in his life and I am good with that. When i said, i pushed for it, I meant more that i encouraged additional 2 hours time spent but in a nice way and it is working out for everyone involved.
And I realize I have to be careful. I am not trying to jeopardize ex and his career and standing. I am not trying to humiliate him with something that is a disease. If it is something and it really looks like it is, I would want for him to get help. I still care about him but in a love/hate sort of way. I dont want to look back with regrets if something were to happen. (like I could have prevented this, if only I did something)
For me, I would have stayed with my ex through anything except for sexual infidelity. I would have looked past the addiction and financial infidelity. And yes, I like your comment about my spouse's actions being blips of human nature, because I do recognize that I have them too. and it reminds me that its ok to forgive him but also myself (something jelly once told me). But my ex wanted out. He did not want us. I think his limited involvement with son has little to do with me and perhaps more to do with what he was exposed to and the addictive behaviors. (he disappears frequently, which is something you really cant do with a young child)
I think about the blips because like most of us it is hard to think about the loss. No one wants to admit to loss. Of course it is a loss. Especially when the person is the parent of your child and the person you grew up with.
Being on these boards makes me not trust partners once they leave once. We have talked about this before. And your response was interesting. That it would be better to be with them and deal with a bit of dissapointment about what happened and with who they are instead of not with them at all. And I get that. I really do. Because its a way to avoid or prolong death. I still dont want to pull the plug.
Regarding letting go. I want to let go. But i need to know what im letting go of. There was just so much secrecy in my situation.
Update: He just texted me and we are cool. He did not admit to anything or deny anything but agreed that son is important as is his safety.
It was a lot more then 17,000. over 6 digits in 3 years. And even more, because i only know about 3 years. And this figure is exclusive of the liquor stores.
I am not sure what to do.
You are right Painter. He is not getting help and needs to for everyone's sake. But What if this gets worse? Addicts lie and they see things differently. I cant trust him.
I agree with sunny and Zues, in that I want Ex and son to have a good relationship. I do not want to humiliate in court. It is better for everyone involved to let go of uncontrollable stuff like money lost and just focus on making things better. It is better for me spiritually. But i also dont want to enable.
I am not going to lie, I am a bit worried about you. You are obsessing and going in every direction and you are allowing yourself zero peace.
What are you looking for? I feel like what you are looking for you may never find and you are a young beautiful woman who is going to take time out of what could be such a beautiful life looking for justice and answers and punishment and Id on't know what else.
Safety for your son of course is #1. He wanted minimal time, you were not too happy about that. Now he might be an addict, so the consequence of that is probably no time if he doesn't chose to straighten up. So if you truly believe there is some sort of addiction, then you need to find the smartest way of going about this. If you truly aren't worried about the time your S is with your ex (you did mention it's pretty much his parents watching him) then don't pursue anything.
I read your posts and there is nothing more I want for you than peace. I think you are looking for it in all the wrong places. Take it from someone who has walked those shoes. It pains me to see you miss out on the great things life has to offer on something you simply cannot change.
It's very difficult to be deceived in a M. You can feel for the longest time that something is wrong, but you can't put your finger on it. Your questions are met with denial and stonewalling. It can drive you crazy. You look everywhere for answers. This is the life of the partner of a secret addict.
At this time, it sounds like Juju has figured out what all these years were about. The hidden financials were hidden for a reason. Finding out about the deception is a process and will most likely make her feel enormous relief. The pieces are falling into place and even though the picture that's appearing bring a different kind of sadness, at least she knows that her instincts were right and she wasn't crazy.
Please support her in finding closure.
If this was a mistress she had found out about, after feeling that something was wrong for years, would you have been worried about her? Addiction is the ultimate mistress.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
It's very difficult to be deceived in a M. You can feel for the longest time that something is wrong, but you can't put your finger on it. Your questions are met with denial and stonewalling. It can drive you crazy. You look everywhere for answers. This is the life of the partner of a secret addict.
At this time, it sounds like Juju has figured out what all these years were about. The hidden financials were hidden for a reason. Finding out about the deception is a process and will most likely make her feel enormous relief. The pieces are falling into place and even though the picture that's appearing bring a different kind of sadness, at least she knows that her instincts were right and she wasn't crazy.
Please support her in finding closure.
If this was a mistress she had found out about, after feeling that something was wrong for years, would you have been worried about her? Addiction is the ultimate mistress.
Painter, I've met juju a few times personally, I support her very much. She is a great wonderful beautiful woman.I'm not minimizing her feelings. I was deceived too. I lived with a mother who was an addict. Even though I knew my ex was having an A, it wasn't until he was engaged to his A partner did I find out it actually started in my pregnancy. It was like bomb drop all over again. I get it. Her recent discovery is a deception and a painful one at that, surely. I just hope for her more than anything at a point she allows herself peace. There comes a point where the if's and's could have should haves prevent us from enjoying our lives. We become prisoners. That's what I was speaking to. Not so much the recent revelation itself.
JUJU, I don't mean to speak to you as if you aren't in the room, lol, I was just responding to painter. But Painter brings up a good point. Maybe you figured out what was going on that left you questioning so much. Even though an awful discovery, I hope maybe you found some answers that kept you going in circles with the all the questions.
I'll respond later, I just can't be on my phone at work.
Last edited by job; 04/30/1704:41 AM. Reason: Added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
