Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
This is terribly heartbreaking to hear. Some random thoughts: 1. The prepared S agreement shows she's been plotting for some time. You say you were happy and blindsided. Besides the depression, there were no omther issues in your M? Do you know why she did a S agreement and not a D agreement? 2. MLC, depression, infidelity - could be any or all of them at once, but no matter what you are right that you can't control your W and can only control you. 3. You mention this is your third M. Are there issues from your prior Ms that are relevant to this story?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
This is terribly heartbreaking to hear. Some random thoughts: 1. The prepared S agreement shows she's been plotting for some time. You say you were happy and blindsided. Besides the depression, there were no omther issues in your M? Do you know why she did a S agreement and not a D agreement?
No, there were no other issues that I was aware of...certainly nothing that would prompt this sort of action. She never communicated that she was unhappy and in fact often indicated that she was very happy and content. As for the separation agreement, in our country the divorce courts are backlogged and filing outright for divorce requires navigating the divorce court system. At fault divorces are extremely expensive and take years to resolve. However, by legally separating, you can then essentially 'flip' the separation to a divorce if you can show you lived separately for a year. I feel like if I sign the agreement, I'm basically hitting the start button on the countdown clock to the demise of my marriage.
[qupte=Gordie]2. MLC, depression, infidelity - could be any or all of them at once, but no matter what you are right that you can't control your W and can only control you.[/quote]
Thank you for your supportive comments. I'm fairly certain infidelity isn't a factor. I know this sounds weird, but given how traumatic she made her exit (I haven't even gone into how I ended up in handcuffs the night I received the email with the separation agreement - nothing like heaping humiliation on top of humiliation), I feel like if she had been cheating, she would have rubbed my nose in it by now.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
3. You mention this is your third M. Are there issues from your prior Ms that are relevant to this story?
Only the anxiety over abandonment and separation. My first wife left me while I was on deployment because she didn't think I could provide for my family if I got out of the military. I was the cheater in my second marriage and my ex left me the night before we were supposed to move into a new apartment. She canceled the move, moved in with her mom, and I basically had to scramble to find a place to live.
Depression runs hand in hand with mlc. It is part of mlc,symptom of mlc,in my view its all connected with depression that's one of reasons they are feeling down they think its the marriage the spouse the life they have,so they blame the marriage and think if they leave the marriage they will stop feeling down and be happy again,little do they know its not the spouse or the marriage,it is them and there hormones are going lala all over the shop,cos of chemical changers in there body's,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
She never said she was unhappy. Is she a conflict avoider? If she was unhappy, would she have felt safe saying so? Did your fear of abandonment cause her to avoid expressing anything that might trigger your fear?
You said your chested in your second M. Was your W aware of this? How did that affect your R?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
She never said she was unhappy. Is she a conflict avoider? If she was unhappy, would she have felt safe saying so? Did your fear of abandonment cause her to avoid expressing anything that might trigger your fear?
You said your chested in your second M. Was your W aware of this? How did that affect your R?
Yes, she is definitely a conflict avoider. I doubt she felt safe to tell me she was unhappy. I'm sure she did fear what I might do, either to her or myself. I'm a big and somewhat intimidating (or so I've been told) dude, so I can see how she would be scared to open up to me. I'm also certain that my fears of abandonment gave her cause to avoid expressing her feelings and concerns.
My wife was aware that there were infidelity issues in my second marriage. I had a reputation as a bit of a player when we met, but I left all that behind when I committed myself to her. Early in our marriage she had anxiety over the idea that I might cheat on her, but after we went to counselling, those fears seemed to recede. I don't think it had anything to do with this situation though. The more I read, the more I'm convinced that this is a midlife crisis borne of severe and overwhelming depression.
Thank you for your supportive comments. I'm fairly certain infidelity isn't a factor. I know this sounds weird, but given how traumatic she made her exit (I haven't even gone into how I ended up in handcuffs the night I received the email with the separation agreement - nothing like heaping humiliation on top of humiliation), I feel like if she had been cheating, she would have rubbed my nose in it by now.
Hello FrankyC,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Her exit does sound traumatic/dramatic. You mentioned that your appearance is intimidating and that she feared what you might do to her or yourself. Is this your assumption or did she say these things? How do you know she was afraid to express her feelings and concerns? How does ending up in handcuffs the night you received the email with the separation agreement play into all of this?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Her exit does sound traumatic/dramatic. You mentioned that your appearance is intimidating and that she feared what you might do to her or yourself. Is this your assumption or did she say these things? How do you know she was afraid to express her feelings and concerns? How does ending up in handcuffs the night you received the email with the separation agreement play into all of this?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
Thank you for the offer, Cristy. I'll consider it.
To answer your questions, she did indicate that she was afraid of what I might do to either her or myself. This point was driven further home when the night I received the separation agreement, I also received a visit from the police executing a mental health assessment on me, so I got to stand in a public hallway at my apartment while the cops tossed my place and confiscated my firearms. Funny thing: I'd already planned on relinquishing my firearms that night; I just hadn't had the chance to call before the decision was taken out of my hands.
The reason I think she wasn't comfortable expressing her feelings and concerns with me is because she didn't. We prided ourselves on not keeping secrets from one another, but apparently she'd been keeping many secrets from me, since this all literally came out of nowhere.
In the end, it really doesn't matter. I've elected to detach completely and let her initiate contact. My lawyer is going to draft an actual separation agreement that's fair to me, so I'm sure that will spur some acrimony, but I just don't care anymore. She's become so cold and dismissive that I barely recognize her anymore. I've seen no indications that she has ANY interest in reconciliation, as she is entirely focused on herself and her depression. I can't be constantly plagued by her ghost if I'm going to move on with my life. I'll still be here if and when she decides to come back to the relationship, but I'm not going to hold my breath.
Frankly, I'm just not sure I want anything to do with someone who would go out of their way to upend my life and inflict significant damage on me without any warning whatsoever.
