It seems like there has been a long run of you not listening to your wife. Would you agree with that? You havevbrought that up,a lot where W claims to have told you something but you forgot or you said you'd do something but later forgot. That seems to be an area to work on
Yes, 100% own that. At first I'd thought it wasn't that I "wasn't listening", it was just that I'd forget to do things she asked. But now I realize I never was truly listening to her and I didn't make time for her to have a forum where I'd really just sit and listen to her. I still need work on this, but the opportunities are few and far between now. Getting better, albeit not great yet.
Originally Posted By: DonH
I would not let her get way with this crap with D. I've brought that up in the past. W is clearly trying to use D to substantiate HER issues. She says how D does not want to spend time with you when it's really W that does not. Keep doing what you are doing with D. If W wants to be on the outside while you and D do things, so be it. She will soon see this has backfired on her
The best you can do from what I can see is to drop the rope and let W be. Don't ask her to do things, don't try to help her, don't just don't engage. If you can do this I have to bet you will see some change in your W. Whatever you want, she wants the opposite - therefore if you want to be far away from her and do nothing with her, what is W likely to want then - yep, The opposite. I think it's worth a try.
My go to phrase w/ W whenever she says something about Ds and my R is now "I'll discuss that with D and the two of us will work that out". I've said it a few times recently when she's brought this stuff up and it has started leading to a change of topic w/ W. Firm and direct. On that note, D and I had an awesome time hanging out all weekend. Talked to D about how our R is and she says it's good. only complaint is she finds it aggravating when I act dumb about something in a joking way (dad humor pretty much), so paring that down a bit. Doing good on keeping my promises she says and her and I are in a good place! Makes me very happy!
Having a difficult time dropping the rope while we live together. We've been like a team (albeit a dysfunctional one) the past month while getting the house ready to sell. Depending on each other to get everything completed. Felt good. Now that we're through that though, we're back to the non-team I guess. Seems like there's always something that we need to help each other with so long as we live together. Unsure how the rope gets fully dropped in that situation, but will attempt a more stand offish approach. Not mean or anything, just neutral and going about my business maybe. Still not fully sure what that looks like, but will work on it. Thank you Don!
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I agree with Don.
Drop the rope with wife. But I noticed that you assume she feels guilty when she's nice (most around here assume that lashing out is from guilt, but anyhow)
don't put her in a no win so that civility or kindness are due to evil motives and abrasive rudeness is b/c...why? B/c things are good??
25years, appreciate the thoughts! Confused on the above though. Seems like her choices that put her in a no win situation, which results in the guilt, and subsequently leads to the niceness/etc. Guess maybe that by dropping the rope and removing myself from her day to day I'm not subject to that?
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
As for the relationship you have with your d, your w can stay in her sandbox and you stay in yours. it's over the line for her to say that crap. Obviously it's good for d to have friends over (is your d somehow socially isolated? Home schooled? What??)
zbut I've never heard of a father daughter being close, described as a bad thing. ...unless a mother envies it. Which is really unbecoming.
I agree on R w/ D. Right now, we pretty much do separate stuff w/ D outside of the house. Every cpl weekends we'll all go out to dinner, and when we're at the house we're all usually together, but activity wise it's either W or I alone w/ D outside of the house.
D isn't isolated luckily. Energetic kid w/ a bunch of friends. tends to have friends over, or be over at their houses at least once or twice a weekend. Sleepovers, etc, the normal kid stuff. D is shy at times around new people, but warms up quickly. As far as I can tell she's a blossoming, social kid. Agree that W saying that stuff is over the line. I used to believe it, but w/ DonH and other's help here I've seen it for what it is. D is my little buddy and my R has gotten so much stronger w/ her this past year. That's the thing I'm most proud of and am experiencing a lot of joy bc of it!
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I don't know the situation enough to know how dirty your wife might play, (allegations of horrible things) but your d is 9 and I assume can speak for herself, absent some developmental delay.
Sheesh...talk about boundaries.
Oh, and listen better to your w. I'd write things she says, on paper IN FRONT OF HER.
And maybe ask her for more clarity ?? (Or fewer snide remarks as they seem to attach to every answer she gives you. Makes it harder to remember the substance if you're too busy defending yourself.)
No developmental stuff. Normal kid. I have noticed that D tends to placate W to some degree when it's the 3 of us. Weird dynamic. W is very dependent upon D for her own well being I think. Not healthy for either of them but I'm not sure how to address other than speaking w/ D about specific things b/t her and W when they are over the top. I try not to do that too often unless it's really warranted, but have a few times.
Definitely need to listen better to W. Ongoing work in progress. I like the idea of writing stuff down, will borrow that one. I've taken to putting alarms/reminders in my phone to remember stuff and that's helped immensely. Writing down and asking for clarity seems like a good next step.
Really appreciate your thoughts!!!!!
Jeep, appreciate you brother!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Me: "I feel really out of the loop on the house. Could you please let me know when we get showings?"
Me: "I see you're frustrated but I am a little bit as well. I don't need to see realtors messages. I'm a bit worried about the lack of information flow from Realtor if this is all we are getting. It seems like we would have gotten more feedback on the open house. Concerned she is not focused on us."
Me: "It did worry me that we didn't get firm numbers on the amount of people there for the open house. In previous house sale we got those and an estimate of how many neighbors were there. Not important in the scheme of things but seemed like we'd get that feedback."
"It also caught me a bit off guard that I didn't know about the showings on Friday until I asked you. I'd just thought we'd talk on that type of thing."
"End of the day, I trust your judgement on this. It would just help me if there was more dialogue between us on it. If you are comfortable Realtor friend is giving us everything then I'm good on that front."
You SAY you are going to let W drive this, but if so, then these kinds of messages are kind of unnecessary. Youre bringing up very specific things that you think W should be doing and isnt. If youre letting her drive it, then whya re you asking for such detailed numbers? It comes off like you arent trusting of her.
Im not sure the arrangement you have set up. But why dont the three of you have a group message or group email? When I sold my house a few years back, the realtor had an app that you could see when showings are scheduled and my ex and I both had it on our phones.
I would say there is some information that you need - such as when showings are, but if youre letting W drive, then let her drive. Honestly, it seems very strange that this wouldnt be a joint thing - an opportunity to collaborate and work together, but I suppose thats another issue.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/30/1701:56 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
