LT--can you elaborate on this? What kind of oddness? I feel like I am constantly caught off guard...sigh
Gordie, please allow me to step in, sir.
My ex displayed all sorts of oddness, too. I recall coming into the bedroom and she was just staring at the wall for the longest time...and when I checked back 20 mins later, she still was.
Then there were her breakdowns. There were two that I've never witnessed in an adult before. At the time, it was heartbreaking to watch. Now, I'm not so sure part of it wasn't an act. Who knows. But, I do know she needs help.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
***We all live in our own realities, our own narratives, our own imaginations.***
Including the LBSs, right?
***There are things that help keep those realities in check. A fixed external belief system that doesn't sway in the breeze of emotions. A good mix of friends that aren't afraid to call us on our bs. Self reflection and humility to know better than to trust ourselves too much.***
I guess that's why my W changed her religious beliefs and circle of friends.
***I think WWs have an easy time getting hooked on fantasy. A fantasy is like a fire. One person starts the spark. Then the more people go along with it, the more fuel is on the fire. And when a WAW rewrites history or blames LBH, it's not hard to get support. She just has to go to a bar or hop on the internet and say 'hey guys, I'll hook up with the first guy that agrees with me the sky is purple'. Pretty soon she's surrounded with purple sky-ers.***
This made me laugh.
***It's an addiction, and it's one of the toughest kinds because it isn't as tangible. It's not like heroin where it's pretty clear that if there is usage there's a problem. It's more like overeating, where it's blurry. We have to eat, but when is it an issue? So too with fantasy, there are blurry lines that make it easy for people to rationalize away. Of course, once they are shacking up with other people and walking out on their families it's a little more noticeable, but even then there is always a spin. "He's not the OM breaking up a marriage...I was being abused, my self was being destroyed, LBH was killing me, I was dying inside, OM was the support I needed to escape that trauma and preserve myself..." Oh, I didn't realize! You poor thing. Let me help you move your things into OM's apartment! Weird world we live in, isn't it?***
This would have made me laugh too, if it wasn't so close to reality.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I asked the OM to tell her it's a delusion...Plus the OM was someone we all knew.
Did the OM know of your W's delusion or was this news to him? How did he react to your discussion?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Did the OM know of your W's delusion or was this news to him? How did he react to your discussion?
OM knew, he's the one that actually raised the issue (delusional infatuation) through someone we knew. Once the news got to me, I contacted the OM and he was supportive of letting my W know she was in a one way infatuation.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
LT--can you elaborate on this? What kind of oddness? I feel like I am constantly caught off guard...sigh
Gordie, please allow me to step in, sir.
My ex displayed all sorts of oddness, too. I recall coming into the bedroom and she was just staring at the wall for the longest time...and when I checked back 20 mins later, she still was.
Then there were her breakdowns. There were two that I've never witnessed in an adult before. At the time, it was heartbreaking to watch. Now, I'm not so sure part of it wasn't an act. Who knows. But, I do know she needs help.
Jeep is spot on. There have been many times where my W has had that stare down. In the family room, in the laundry room, in the kitchen, etc.
I've also noticed that when I've forcibly pushed back on issues like custody it leads to oddness. For example, I believe she thought we would S and she would have 95% of my Ds time and i would only get D every other weekend. When i stood up to her around 50/50 custody and did not back down, it was almost like she was trying weird strategies to try to get her way. She'd cycle between being "nice", to dressing nicer, to trying to instigate fights, to spewing non-stop around D and I. This experience is strange enough, but there have been plenty of odd actions from W during it that stick out.
I also felt like i was being constantly caught off guard. Even currently, i still do at times. I think the key here is having an idea of what you will and will not tolerate and being consistent in both how and when you push back on those things you won't tolerate. You cannot push back on everything bc in the end I believe you'll be too tired to be effective.
Being in a good mental state also helps. I think this comes from growing your understanding of your situation and what's driving your W. Additionally, the exercise component has been huge for me to keep my balance and sanity. Alot of angst can be burnt off at the gym and it really puts you in a better place mentally in my opinion. I've also found that investing in my D9 has helped me find balance too. The kids shouldn't be leaned on, but my R w/ D9 has helped to round me out into a better and stronger person. All of the above goes a long ways to building confidence and with that confidence comes aid in dealing with the unexpected moods/actions of W.
Just my 2 cents. I'm still dealing with all this as well, so open to suggestions/thoughts. It [censored] we need to constantly be in a state of readiness, but you'll find that the level of readiness required by you will de-escalate from "Nuclear Meltdown Alert" at some point. It's no fun living in that zone, but know it's not forever.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I think the key here is having an idea of what you will and will not tolerate and being consistent in both how and when you push back on those things you won't tolerate
Pick your fights wisely.
Quote:
Being in a good mental state also helps. I think this comes from growing your understanding of your situation and what's driving your W. Additionally, the exercise component has been huge for me to keep my balance and sanity. Alot of angst can be burnt off at the gym and it really puts you in a better place mentally in my opinion. I've also found that investing in my D9 has helped me find balance too. The kids shouldn't be leaned on, but my R w/ D9 has helped to round me out into a better and stronger person. All of the above goes a long ways to building confidence and with that confidence comes aid in dealing with the unexpected moods/actions of W.
This can't be stressed enough. Thank you for sharing. My children are my rock, as I am theirs.
Quote:
"Nuclear Meltdown Alert"
I like this. I was on DEFCON 1 for the longest time, and you're right - it was very tiring.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
