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Hi V, thank you. Once again I'm brought to tears and I'm trying to see that as an outlet and not just another night of sobbing.

Yes, I imagine I'm in trauma. Once again. How many times can one person be traumatized in one life time? Sure, people have had it worse but my god I need a reprieve. They tell you to work hard and you'll get a break but that isn't true in life.

I'm so angry with myself. I have done EVERYTHING they tell you to do. I felt the fear but did it anyway. I listened and validated. I tried to provide self-care to myself leading up to and throughout and in the hereafter. I maintained hope of a reasonable outcome while preparing for the worst...

AND I'M MISERABLE. I guess all of that is no promise of anything. And now all I do is hate him which is a waste of energy. And I have to still be courageous and have custody mediation and coparent with him.

How do I stop being a target, V? I hope it's easy because I don't have anything left in me to remove that target. This process has been nothing but a manual in how to take a feisty, hurt, angry, strong, independent woman and slowly make her a timid, oozing open sore with no will to fight or even defend anymore.

I feel like my thoughts are disjointed, my writing doesn't make sense and I don't even bother to make conclusions. Part of me wants to scream "I need help!" and the other part of me wants to climb into bed and not get out for weeks. I'm sick of being in my head and at the same time I can't get out.

I fear I have scared off most of my friends and who could blame them?

I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. Seriously, I think it was in early 2016 maybe.

Extreme self care is necessary, I'm sure but I feel like a year of self-care wouldn't get me back to zero and I'm so exhausted by the futility of trying. Exhausted and yet I feel like I really need to throw things. Many things. Hard. So they'll break and be destroyed and make a lot of noise. So out of character for me.

I'm rambling but this is the only thing saving me from my bed which is just about the worst place I can think of being right now. I might sleep in my daughter's bed while she's at stbx's. The idea of lying in my bed is nauseating me and yet it's midnight and I've been up for 23 hours.

I feel like a shell. You know? Like my insides were hollowed out and I'm walking around bleeding but I'm bleeding so much and so fast I'm not aware of how bad the wound is.

I honestly don't know where to begin here.


Previously known as ss06
Kid: D9
M: 12 yrs together 18
D final: pending

"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb."
- Najwa Zebian
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Lovely lady

It's adrenalin in your system and confusion leading from it. You are on high alert. It's horrible as a place to be.

This sounds so trite I know so, and its going to be ok. This is dissociative and cognitive dissonance. You doubt yourself and truly this will last a while. Let it unfold in time.

I confess I explored a lot of options myself as I too was driving away those who love and support me. I will suggest to you firstly your physiology needs extreme care. I mean extreme and extraordinary, likely that means a wonderful practitioner to discuss the options, including temporary medical help to rebalance your system. Each of us has special requirements and thus you need yours supported. That's fine.

My next suggestion is to consider complete NC, complete NC. To remove the addiction to the trauma, living on high alert is going to drive your physiology for a while. Truly it will. BIFF responses to a high conflict individual monitored by a third party or software, an interface if you will.

I would like to comfort you and say tomorrow is a new day and each of us has our own path and that would be trite and invalidating when you are hurting so much and confused. In my case it took 9 months before I reclaimed the MBR, and I am ok now. Truly I am fine in the MBR, it took time.

What I can say is that how you are and the doubts and confusion you have are all part of the recovery process, truly normal and natural. You aren't ill, an abuser or unstable, this is the way we feel after trauma. Each of us has our kind of reaction tailored just for us.

There is a part of this process called post traumatic growth which if you embrace it will become the time when you grow and develop unfold like no other time. Yes, I would rather that this didn't have to be, that DB had worked fully, that you and I weren't here communicating in this way. We are and I would wish no one have this trauma and that sadly is just a desire as we do.

I can tell you which is hard to hear that these dark days, dark nights of the soul are part of an awakening process of healing in which you can achieve such growth and change. Such personal power through the humility it gives you and in its self it is extraordinary.

This is as bad as it gets and little comfort today. You are an extraordinary woman, wife, mother and friend. That is you that I see and the core of you is intact, traumatised.

Breathe, calm and great peace.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi Courage,

I just wanted to come by as I was thinking of you. I haven't been around much lately and likely I won't be around much in the near future, but you came to mind and I wanted to see how you were.

I worked with a family once where they had a child with a chronic health condition, where any kind of touch resulted in him experiencing physical pain. A nerve disorder I think. I have also worked with traumatised children who experience similar, the tiniest of touches feels completing overwhelming. You strike me as similar, an open nerve waiting for the next stimuli.

I remember being that open wound waiting for salt or acid to be poured. Enough already!!! If you read back to the beginning of my situation, I was a minute,by minute in my coping abilities, every sense was overwhelmed and like you all I wanted is looking after. And you know it is not unreasonable when in a constant state of trauma to feel that way.

When I started out on this journey every day was about keeping things simple, did I eat, did I sleep, did I exercise, did I do one social thing that brought me joy.

You can't change the chaos of your situation, but there is a place in the middle of this retched tornado where you can find the quiet. Every moment attempt to find the quiet. It is there I promise you. Think about it, let the wind rush and swirl around you, but feel the quiet space in the middle. The middle quiet place is YOU. The person you need to spend just 30 seconds to find in the midst of the chaos. Visualize this quite space, it exists I promise. The more often to seek to find her the chaos, the easier it gets.

I found that my trauma was so linked to a disconnect from myself. The peace starts to come when you find yourself again. Sit in the quiet Courage and you will hear yourself calling. You're ready to be YOU again.

Still reading and listening Courage. take heart, you are never alone!!!


Much Love

JellyBxxx

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Hello courage,

You and I seem to be in very similar places right now, and I wanted to come and say hi. I may not be able to offer you any great advise, but I do want to let you know you are not alone.

Right now, you (and myself) are in the midst of divorce. The negotiating part. Not easy for anyone, but the trauma of how many of us here were left, makes this much more painful. The only thing worse was acute Bomb drop. The negotiations all seem to trigger the unfairness of BD as well as many of the issues we had within the marriage. We are still in conflict even though our marriages are over and Once again we feel invalidated, abused, and treated unfairly.

But like BD, we will get through this as well. Just take it day by day and figure out what battles are important in the scheme of things. This will not be forever and you will one day be able to get your life back.

I am trying to cope by recognizing that this part of the "journey" is temporary. We wont be in the trenches permanently but we are now and lets just deal the best we can.

It sounds like both you and your ex want to do what is best for your daughter. That is a really good thing. Its just that you have different perspectives on what is best for her. You feel strongly about the extra curriculars and he does not. Is this the major issue? Or is it something deeper you are fighting against like feeling like all the work regarding daughter fell on you throughout the marriage?

I too, have a child with special needs.(My son has adhd and has recently been diagnosed with high functioning autism) I know how difficult it is to be on high alert every second. And to constantly deal with abnormal behaviors and the relief that comes when you actually do get that good day in the middle of many challenging days with your child. I know what it is like to live with minimal sleep and to have felt that you are doing it all on your own. I know the resentment you must feel for husband because it is not easy and because he bailed. And i know how hard it is to move past that.

Hugs

J.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2731945 02/26/17 11:03 PM
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V, jelly and Juju,

Thank you so much for dropping by and for giving me a lift up. I can't tell you what your words have meant to me and how many times I've read them since that wretched day.

I am holding my head higher. It comes in waves. I've given myself this weekend to allow whatever and committed to being gentle with myself. Surprisingly I didn't spend it all weeping on the couch.

I'm beginning to day dream a little about not having to talk at all to stbx except of course for the business of parenting. I'll see him Tuesday morning at D9's first orthodontist consult. It's funny. I find myself annoyed at his involvement in little appointments like this. Who has both parents attend an orthodontist consult appointment? I guess that's where my daughter is lucky. STBX is bending over backwards to be an equal parent and I can't really complain about that. I do feel like I am being required to "teach" him how these things work. He seems to think she's walking in on Tuesday and if they decide she's getting braces then she gets braces right then and there. I had to explain how all of this works and then wondered if that was really my job. He can do his own research but then am I being a b*tch? Oh who cares. Whatever.

Spring is coming and that brings me hope. Hope that I won't be in this hole forever. It's deep and dark down here. I know things are better on the outside. Now, to figure out how to get out of here.

Juju, the special needs child brings so much joy and yes, so much chaos. It's nice to know that others know what I'm facing in that department. It's unlike anything I ever understood before and SO difficult to convey the intensity and exhaustion to those who have no experience. Thanks for sharing that with me.


Previously known as ss06
Kid: D9
M: 12 yrs together 18
D final: pending

"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb."
- Najwa Zebian
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 28
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Courage Offline OP
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Slowly the fog is lifting. I'm starting to feel more free and less bogged down by whatever this divorce process has done to me and more excited about building whatever life I want.

I day dream about going back to school.

I think about redecorating the house precisely how I want, actually putting things on the walls that reflect ME rather than having them bare and reflect stbx. I want to make better use of the spaces in my home that are unused or just for pretty's sake. Living is beautiful and I want every space to feel comfortable, lived in and welcoming to ME (and of course others).

I'm meeting new people. I reached out to a woman on a local political Facebook group of which I am a part and we are meeting for lunch tomorrow. I've never met this person face to face but we are of the same mind and when she responds to an article or the news as posts in our group, she takes the words right out of my mouth. It's uncanny. So, I'm excited about that.

I also reached out to a woman who offered to talk with me about her path in social work. Since I'm considering going back to school (and with that comes a lot of self doubt, belief that I'm too old for that, fear of failure, worry that I can't afford it, etc) and her offer just fell into my lap I figure I have nothing to lose just talking to her and I may even gain a mentor in the short term.

My daughter's behavior at school is ramping up again which causes all kinds of insane anxiety. There's something about February and the springtime part of the school year. The last three years she has been generally fine until this part of the year and then BLAM-O she just turns on the crazy and gets in trouble daily. At the moment though, after all the schools we have tried, all of the things we've considered... worst case scenario is I home school her using some online program where she can work at her own pace and integrate some high school / college material as necessary to meet her level of curiosity. We'll flesh that out one day at a time.

^^^ see? Even that right there, the paragraph right above... did I really just do that? Did I really not just dwell for days worrying about what could be and instead realistically decided that right now worrying about what we'll do in two months is not worth ruining my lovely evening?

I also want a whole new wardrobe. LOL I realize that's probably frivolous but I feel like with a new beginning, a new life, a putting down of some serious baggage... I just want to feel as new on the outside as I do on the inside. Maybe I could lose 5-10 lbs first though, that might be a good idea.

I want to plant flowers and repot plants and get new carpet inside my heart and inside my house.

Upward.


Previously known as ss06
Kid: D9
M: 12 yrs together 18
D final: pending

"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb."
- Najwa Zebian
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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I'm happy to read this post. Wanting a whole new wardrobe is just a way of showing that you're ready to reinvent yourself to fit your new life. Welcome to the other side. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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