I am sorry you are in this situation. When a WW is checked out there is not much the LBS can do. Focus on the 5 kids and yourself. Like you, I have 5 kids also. Although difficult raising 5, I would rather have that challenge ahead of me than a person that doesn't respect me.
It took me a year to get to a half way decent place, but each day gets better!
We are here to support you!
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
I am a Christian man and honor and trust come before wants, pain, etc.
This is good to know, b/c it tells us something about you. Is/was your W a Christian, also? Did she take an active part in your church? Even Christians can become wayward. IMHO, a wife's waywardness begins in her heart, with resentment and disrespect for her H. Eventually, little signs of rebellion begin to show, and then it grows. What you see in her now, are the fruits of that growth in her heart. She now is following the dictation of her emotions. She will act out from those emotions. She will make decisions from those emotions. Pure selfishness will be her motivation in everything. Seeing how she puts her desires before anyone else (even her children) is staggering at times. This describes a wayward wife. Anger drives her. It shows up regularly, maybe daily. She may be angry at something in her life, but mostly, she's angry at her H. He is usually blamed for whatever is wrong in her life, Therefore, it takes a strong man who can withstand the WW.
FWIW, I had been a dedicated Christian since I was a teenager. I was the "good girl" growing up, and then my role went to being a "proper Christian wife". I was one of those "types" that people say will never cheat. However, there were issues in my heart that I had not resolved, and though I thought I had worked so hard on my MR.......things just seem to get worse. I did not wake up one day and decide to have an A, and I might even convince someone that I innoncently was drawn into it. If I told you everything that was I was experiencing at the time, I might be able to get your sympathy, IDK. But we know that those actions come from our own free will, and it is wrong.....period.
I stumbled into this forum as a resentful, bitter, angry, and wayward woman. I was in crisis. This board, plus other things falling into place (so to speak) got my undivided attention.......helped me to see I was trying to escape from my reality and lose myself in a fantasy. My M was saved, but it took me a long time to deal with the issues in my heart. Anyway, enough about me. I just wanted to let you know this can happen to good folks, and the wayward can turn back.
So when your W claimed to have ended her A, was there any kind of transparency plan, or ground rules set to stabilize the MR and help to regain trust again? Did you and W attend MC, enroll in any M program, etc.?
Quote:
She does want to try and connect spiritual, mentally, socially, emotionally and physically I stopped since it just seemed like she was just there but not present
How was she trying to "connect" in those areas of her life? Was this suppose to be your journey as well as hers? Did you feel responsible to help her find the connection?
I suggest you read the thread about boundaries. Then think carefully about your own boundaries and where you draw a line to protect yourself. Boundaries should be based on your values, principles, integrity, spiritual beliefs, etc. After deciding your boundaries, think about how to make them effective, if they are not honored.
You may learn something new on the board, and you may teach us something new. I just encourage you not to plunge into something without fully grasping the details. There have been newcomers who panick and do not wait to learn more about a method or technique (whatever) fully......and unintentionally make matters worse for themselves.
Read the links Cadet provided.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry you are here J. Your W is clearly DEEP in the fog. You say you've read the book so you know what you need to do. Detach, deploy the LRT and Go dark. Turn all of your attention inward and work on brining that confident man back to life. There is nothing you can do to force her back. She's got to hit rock bottom and it sounds like she isn't even close to that. So let her go down that path she has made for herself. Its hard to watch her go but the sooner you let her go, the sooner you can find yourself again. However, finding that man again and allowing her freedom to wallow in the mess she is creating is exactly what needs to happen in order to save your M. The W you knew is gone. She is not herself now. Work on yourself until she comes back. Be an awesome dad for those kids because they've already lost their mom. Dont let them lose their dad too.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Thank you for your words. Yes I have the book and reread sections that come up and I need to see it in a new light. My computer is at work or my phone which no one gets on ever. I am focusing on them right now. I think this is what has pushed her over. She has lost control over me, so she is scrambling to get it some how. I have a great attorney and he fights for staying together but also believes to protect yourself. document as if its the worse, act like its the best. I see where she is going and where her path is going to take her. I love her so much and am fearful like I would be with a child, I am having a hard time not forgiving her but holding her accountable and responsible for her choices. I know as I do she gets more of the truth to deal with. That will only help her, but I still wish it wasn't going this way but I have accepted that though I see the potential and I have forgiven her and can see the possibilities, its because I am in a good place. I keep educating and finding more support and places of growth. She seems depressed and just keeps giving up on more and more things.
ME 47, WW 36 Kids B19, B17, G14, G12, B6 WWPA May 2014, EA revisited Oct 2016
Thank you. I think the more I studied about what she possibly could be going through and things horrible from her past made me understand her, even feel sorry for her. I had to watch myself because I was so codependant that I started to make excuses for her. I took on the consequences and tried to be responsible to fix it. I meant she did not want to pray, connect in any way. That is why I stopped having expectations. She didnt want to plan, didnt want to do anything but forget. She even now when anything comes up says that was ## years ago. get over it. So she just wants it to go away, but you are so right about how everything is my fault. I dont disagree with the fualts she has pointed out, but they arent the reason she is who she is nor why she did what she did. She choose and hasnt felt a loss of anything that I see other than self worth maybe. But when I stopped worrying about her and focused on the kids, I didnt want to snuggle each night knowing it was a comfort for her but not a connection to me. That is when she sought out her really wayward friend and is finding validation there. SHe hasnt had a person that has called her out and told her to suck it up, take it and go to work hard. I did and it saved my life.
ME 47, WW 36 Kids B19, B17, G14, G12, B6 WWPA May 2014, EA revisited Oct 2016
Oh wow. talk about making the emotions come out. I know that is true. And I need to let it happen. If you love it let it go . . .and yes it is hard to see her go there, but if she doesn't she might never become healthy and independent. I am working harder on me and trying to teach the kids the principles I am learning to use in their lives, without using my life as the example. They are a strength as I serve them and loose site of what she is becoming. Thank you thank you thank you.
ME 47, WW 36 Kids B19, B17, G14, G12, B6 WWPA May 2014, EA revisited Oct 2016
It sounds like your wife is cake eating. She is living life her way, without consequences, while you are providing for the family financially and emotionally. Does your wife work outside of the home? Might be time to establish some boundaries.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
