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SH

thanks again for all of your input. There's a lot!!

Quote:
I perceive that when you are lent advice as to why your W behaves as she does you grab it and hyper analyze it to justify that she has the issue, and you are justified in what you do.
I am challenging you to take a different path...for your change...growth...healing...for your 50% of the issues.


Out of you posts, this resonates.

OK. I am 99% sure that this book is clarifying what is going on with my WW! I believe she is cycles between buttering me up to get a WW actions validated if they are turned down she rages. If she can't cope she rages. I have learned coping mechanisms very recently; they have clicked. Inside I am 0% drawn into emotional ups and downs - I know this. I doubt I ever will be again frankly. Also, I think there is deep FOO stuff has led her to her abuse cycle. I say it before we were married and it escalated. I also thing there may be something to it other than FOO - perhaps HPA Axis Dysfunction, Depression etc. Much of this, even the FOO stuff does not really matter. What matters is I know it is not me. She has been intentionally or unintentionally doing this and it is not me. Yes I have had my part to play and have developed a list of many things (mostly small and very normal but collectively tricky) that I need to and am working on.

You are right I have been doing this for some time (not quite a year in fairness) but I am now really developing me, the shift is off her. She either gets validated or boundaries now. If she changes properly (not manipulation) all good, if not, validation and boundaries to the grave. That is my most recent change. A definate me focus.

I am going to start doing things more outside my comfort zone also. My list is not there yet. But it will be. A lots has been done already in fairness, the new business (romping home), house stuff, taking on traditional Mum roles (with ease and genuine pleasure) - washing, ironing, packed lunches, clothes shopping, listening etc. I am in danger of turning into a great wife!!! Best stop short of dress wearing smile

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Quote:
You indicate that you see how your communication can be seen as controlling…and justify it as unintentional…


We all control. However, if you offend in this and apologise for the offense you are not a controller. You just did it and regret it (a thoughtless act or word). You apologise. If you do not recognise, accept or apologise this is different. IMHO.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Originally Posted By: Surfer
Quote:
You indicate that you see how your communication can be seen as controlling…and justify it as unintentional…


We all control. However, if you offend in this and apologise for the offense you are not a controller. You just did it and regret it (a thoughtless act or word). You apologise. If you do not recognise, accept or apologise this is different. IMHO.

Surfer.

Surfer my friend, be cautious in this thought and opinion...it contains characteristics of narcissism...
Narcissist use this tactic to maintain control...they can say they regret offending to regain the trust of the offended...
Only the individual can know the truth of the sincerity...
This is why I strongly encourage you remove your focus from hyper analyzing your WW...you continue to share that you have learned this information and know what she is thinking and or feeling...
Very slippery slope my friend...
You can only observe her behavior...
You can not know her intent or thoughts...DB 101...no mind reading.
If your teenage daughter were behaving this way would you say the same?
Perhaps simply seeing her as a teenager girl acting out as sandi would say, it may help you move your focus...
Wanna know a secret...pay no attention to a person throwing a tantrum, 5 year old, 17 year old, or full grown and guess what happens...they will eventually stop.
The reasons for the tantrums will all be different.


Focus on solutions to your thoughts and behaviors and leave the psychoanalyzations to trained professional...you will find much more success.

Hopefully Vanilla swings by and can share thoughts for you that can apply to you and your actions...

Step by step you got this.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Quote:
A victor’s mentality becomes a victors reality. Joel Osteen


Perfect. I really like the boxing analogies. One of my sports.

I am very much a study the opponent and take them down person. Adapt as they do is very much me (my job involves this - and I am know how to do it). Having boxed off my W's problems in my learning recently - thanks to V - I can say I have seen a lot of the film. However, I am improving a weak stance (knowledge), it is not fully balanced yet, I have been thrown useless jabs (poor reacting) and my defence has been poor (boundaries). I have not nourished myself fully (GAL/Personal Goals). My knowledge in boxing off my W's behaviour means I can now say I don't need to understand or fear her behaviour any more. I see the cycles of her actions for what they are and I predict them with pin point accuracy now. She may adapt though so I need to be able to adapt. However in terms of her, I am clear to now focus back on my improvements - basically being the best version of me. I am and will.

I have been struggling but I am not any more. "Laser-like" focus on what I am doing. Boundaries are next for defence and protection - whilst working on that stance - its nearly there like I say.

End goal focus. Protected communication - to help break the spew habit (and protect me and the kids). Focusing on the good conversations in between - this is the hard bit. I know she is still disrespectful and things she is getting one over me but buttering me up and lying about what she is up to. I am not letting my ego get involved however. the tricky part is spotting the cycle, whilst having a nice, solution focussed conversation. I think the key here is perhaps recognizing the probable lie, and then thinking - so what? Nothing new here.

TBH. I am close to zero focus on my W now. She is starting to see this.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
S
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thanks for the Festive wishes SH - and your thoughts and prayers. I hope the festive period is good to you and yours too!

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
S
Surfer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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