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I have merged all your threads together as it is best to stick to one thread until 100 posts and then start a new one.

Originally Posted By: MLH
I told her I could not be her best friend if she was leaving me. Is that wrong?

No if she is leaving you she is not your best friend.
She is you wife until you are legally divorced.
That might mean some tough love is involved.

If she has PPD - then TIME is on your side as it is likely to get better after a while.
Stop EXPECTING a DIVORCE,
if you don't want a divorce then make her do it.
That means to STFU and let go, detach, give her space.

DO NOT MOVE OUT of either the house or the MBR.
You can't stop her from doing it but your live there.

Now is the time to work on YOU.


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So I have begun to think about my future. WW is still staying in our home in our MBR while i stay in the other room. She has told me she wants to move out next month and I have told her once that happens the one thing we have a problem with, communication, will not be worked on since we will not have any contact with each other. I asked her yesterday what her plans were for next month and she just turned her head and went silent, as if I wasnt even speaking. Things have gotten better for me in the sense of my emotions even though I wish we could work things out. I go to a divorce support group next week and hopefully that will give me some perspective. What are your thoughts on my W ignoring questions on her moving out or moving on?

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Originally Posted By: MLH
What are your thoughts on my W ignoring questions on her moving out or moving on?


MLH,

You're pursuing and it's a complete turnoff for your W. Make a list of things you want to keep when she moves out, and then show her the list so that she can approve, or not, of the items on the list. Show her that you're preparing for her to move on.

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This is the first time i have asked in a while, figured it was worth a try to get an idea of what i needed to do. I have already told her that i respect whatever she does and just want it to be a smooth transaction. Even though I am sure it wont. I also have stopped asking her to pitch in to the families household bills so she does not feel trapped. I know i mentioned PPD and her but i believe the PPD is at the end of its cycle, or hope so. Time will tell, I think her main reason for no wanting to work on us is because of everything I know and she doesnt trust me. GO FIGURE

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Originally Posted By: MLH
I also have stopped asking her to pitch in to the families household bills so she does not feel trapped.


MLH,

In my opinion, you're just funding her move out and you'll have that much less money for yourself if she does move out. Regardless, it still feels like pursuit to me (i.e. I'll pay you to stay).

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I have a hard time figuring out what I'm doing is pursuing her or not. I feel like me asking for her to pitch in on bills is trapping her to stay in our home. I only ask her what she is up to so I know what to expect in a the future. I guess there's a real thin line between pursuing somebody and cutting the cord.

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MLH

-- I am not sure either... but one thought I had was, it may be related to how much money you have. In my situation, I have enough money to move my W some place. So I when I was working on detachment, I suggested she could move out and we would find a way to take care of it. And my mindset, or posture, was to say it non emotionally, like here you go, here is your new place and it looks comfortable, for example (It did not go this far for me)... This only works if money is not tight and thus not emotional....

Also, I think you know what is pursuing... more than we do... Just step back and think about what you are doing from another perspective.... like you are watching yourself --and your W is just another actor in the scene... does it look like your are pursuing...???

Emotion versus rational thinking --an amazing thing. Emotions should get moved out of your head as much as possible....

I am in a place where my W and I are reconciling... but I am only able to do it by finding times where I can move emotions out and then think with some rationale... I struggle with mind movies and stupid/mean things my W said to me... but the rational me knows I am unable to make good decisions today... so i keep working with my W and the R and building new memories.... and save my emotional memory for later or for certain times during the week...


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Originally Posted By: MLH
I have a hard time figuring out what I'm doing is pursuing her or not. I feel like me asking for her to pitch in on bills is trapping her to stay in our home. I only ask her what she is up to so I know what to expect in a the future. I guess there's a real thin line between pursuing somebody and cutting the cord.


Hello MLH,

Are you still with us?

Has your wife been helping with the household expenses prior to the issues between the two or you? Continuing to ask her questions is pursuing and probably driving her further away.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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