I think we are making progress. He still doesn't know if he really loves me or what loves really is. The therapist told him to spend some time thinking about that-- what does it mean, how he might measure it, etc. I am giving him space to do that. And backing off talking about the future and my career and moving.
I am still somewhat angry-- that comes stronger sometimes. I am mad he gets to be so fragile, that my discussion of my career aspirations and wanting to plan and dream for possibilities a couple of years out is just so overwhelming for him he cannot handle it. That he gets to feel like a victim because he has a tense work situation with one co worker and wants to talk about that daily and how feels it is bad. But then I bring up how soul sucking my work situation is where I was actually sabotaged and lost my position and that makes me unhappy and I am unpleasant.
Why is it others get the luxury of breaking down, etc. but the rest of us just handle things and have to be strong?
A good thing was when my husband told me he appreciated me going through the process with him. Then the other day he said he wanted more positive interpersonal attention. So I said, well what about talking to me more instead of always being so focused on a screen. His response was he had to protect himself from the unpleasantness of talking to me and my persistence. I cried a bit-- he seemed surprised. I explained that I was persistent because I wanted attention and engagement from my husband over more than his work complaints and there were things I do feel the need to discuss and if instead of constantly avoiding them he would just say, well lets talk about this for a while in a day or whenever it would be easier on both on us. I, again, offered to help him make more friends. I know I am not perfect, but really don't think I am so bad. Honestly, I think I am sexy and smart and he is lucky to have me. I suppose time will tell.
I have some questions, if you don't mind answering. Did both of you thoroughly discuss your careers and goals before you got married.........or was it more like you talked and he listened, and you took that as if it was an agreement? I was guilty of "communicating" like that with my H, b/c he would not talk much.......and I didn't realize I was so presumptuous.
It must be very difficult when there are two careers in the M that require moving to where your career can thrive. If you had to choose between your H and staying where you are currently, or leaving your H and fully devoting your life to your career.......which would you choose. I realize you want you both, and in your eyes it should be solvable. However, your H appears to be going through some type of transition or crisis where he may not be a willing partner.
Are you currently working, or a SAHM? If you knew your H would never lift a finger to help with keeping the house tidy.......would you divorce him?
Are you sure you want to have another baby when your H is talking about divorce? This is probably a very sensitive subject for you, and I am not wanting to hurt you more. I may not be any wiser, but I am considerably older and I have learned that having a baby in order to secure the MR.......does not work well. If anything, he could highly resent another pregnancy at this particular time in his life. He might stick with the M until the baby is born, but eventually, it could be the very straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak. I hope you think it over carefully, and have a more stable relationship with your H before having more children with someone who isn't sure about his feelings.
Has your H had a thorough medical checkup? Maybe he should talk to a doctor by himself. Know what I mean? We women can be a bit of "fixers" ourselves. He may be tired of you trying to fix him, IDK.......just suggesting.
Weekends are a little a slow on the board, so don't give up posting.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, the subject of my career and geographical location is one that we discussed multiple times. He has promised to move for my career if necessary. I knew he would prefer not to, and I agreed it would be more convenient not to, but as recently as last month he agreed to move down the road. We had multiple conversations about this. Honestly, if I really thought he wouldn't work with me on this then I likely might not have had child(ren) with him. I also explicitly would ask how our marriage was doing every several months and was told it was all good.
I am currently working full time (technically more than one part time job) but am marginally employed in low salary, no benefits, bored, bored, bored. And I did try staying home for a few months, not for me. I even explored another career. I feel like I have and am still thoroughly doing my part to stay here. Not that here seems overly special to me. It isn't that close to his family-- and I have offered that we try to move closer. He doesn't have friends here (I do offer to help him make friends). It is the lack of compromise at the moment that is really concerning to me-- the lack of space and consideration for my career.
If I knew he would never lift a finger to keep the house tidy and didn't want to hire someone to do the job I would totally divorce him. I cannot deal with that. I don't care if he never dusts because I cam fine to do that. But just picking up random things from everyone else day in and day out is a bit of a nightmare for me. I also believe me and my child deserve to live in a decent environment and not a huge mess. A I am not a perfectionist about it.
The career thing-- as much as I dislike it I would stay married and let me career suffer for now because of family. At least as long as I can stand to. I strongly believe in doing what is best for one's offspring, even if I don't like the answers.
Ironically, we both agree on having another baby even if our marriage doesn't work out. We feel a sibling relationship would be really good for our child, and so forth.
My H did finally make an appointment to see his Dr. So there is that at least.
Like I said, I think I have cause to feel hopeful. I go from sad to angry to accepting to back again each day just about, but I suspect that isn't so strange either.
I am feeling a bit hopeful. He actually talked to me a bit today about career stuff. He doesn't want to try working remotely for multiple years. Ok. What about for just a couple of years before retirement? Maybe he said. He is considering. That would be a few more years than I would want to wait, but just by a few. Not so long I am scared for my career. This is what I feel we need-- the compromise, the discussion. The ability to care about me and not just his career and daily work stuff. So I am hopeful.
I understand that you want answers from him. You want to know what to expect and how to plan for your own career down the road. That is reasonable in your way of thinking. However, I think he senses a pressure from you, and it puts him off. He avoids you b/c he see you as a main problem in his life. He associates you with being major pressure. So even if he discusses other things, he can see your body language and the anxiousness in you. It's like when you can tell when another person (someone you know well) is thinking about something else while you are talking to them. They want you to hurry up so they can get to what they want to talk about, know what I mean?
I'm not saying you are wrong, and honestly, I am very much like you, myself. I'm trying to give you an unbiased look at maybe what he sees. Whatever he is going through currently, I rather doubt you are going to get your answers all neatly wrapped and delivered the way you want. I don't think he has those answers right now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I realize that. As much as I would like answers in a bow (pretty please) I am ok with the process and a bit of ongoing discussion. It is when I feel stone walled that I freak out.
My husband also told me he has some mild PTSD from work stress, according to his therapist. Since he tends to be anxious and ruminate over things, this makes sense. So I am encouraging him to work through it in healthy ways.
I am hopeful we will be ok. I am not going to change who I am, but I am working on changing how I respond to some situations so we better communicate and things are less tense. And if he decides he really isn't in love with me, or doesn't want to be married to me, I will be ok. I always am.
I also hate the thought of holidays post divorce, if it comes to that. I reminded my mother today that this year we would spend Christmas morning with the inlaws and she could have it next year, like she did last year. I also told her that we have a party for my nephew on my husband's side on the 26th so we wouldn't be in town again until later on the 26th or we could see her earlier on the 24th. She likes to create some drama-- she has some borderline tendencies but has honestly gotten a lot better over the years-- so of course she flips out, she doesn't want to do a gift exchange anymore, it is clear we don't care about her or my brother, etc, etc. I remind her again that she is more than welcome to join us with the inlaws and they would love to see her-- she has a variety of reasons that will never work, such as it is only Christmas for her at her home, etc. Ok, fine. This is not new and I have learned to have boundaries and not feed the drama monster and she gets over it eventually. But I was thinking that this time of year is difficult enough without the thought of being divorced and dealing with it all.
Oh well, we go through the process now, and we will see.
Mostly, I think we are making some progress. Then something happens or we have a bit of a fight or something and I start to wonder. Today we had therapy and I thought it was going pretty well and we talked about how we could get on the same page with budgeting, etc. I have been quite deliberate in staying in the here and now.
We talked about fertility loans and the expenses added up, and so forth. I said that with my job being what it was here, that I wasn't making as much as I used to and things had been quite up and down that way-- that until I am salaried again I could see how things would be tighter. I didn't mention moving at all except that I did mention what I did and mentioned I did it here and now. That I don't want to keep doing it. I know exactly what I should be doing, and have done it before. But instead of talking about moving or anything I stayed in the present. And my husband said that moving would be bad because we couldn't afford the costs and this really bothered me because I hadn't even brought it up and also because the increase back to a salaried position would make us that expense back multiple times over.
And that really percolated in my mind. Because it felt like saying that I am not worth taking risks over or trying something for because it might cost money or not work out or whatever. That bothers me. I thought in a relationship you do have to take risks and try things and somethings sacrifice a bit for your spouse and know they will do the same for you. To me, marriage and family is about being together than apart, about knowing you are sacrificing now but your spouse will take a risk later for you, and so forth.
The thought of not being worth that, of my husband not sure if I and us as a couple are worthy of risks really bothers me. things are tricky sometimes but I used to be sure that my husband loved me, that it was worth it, and that when it made more sense, my husband would try something for me, because my hopes and dreams were also worth something to us all.
We move forward, we move back... We talked about fertility loans and the expenses added up, and so forth. I said that with my job being what it was here, that I wasn't making as much as I used to and things had been quite up and down that way-- that until I am salaried again I could see how things would be tighter. I didn't mention moving at all except that I did mention what I did and mentioned I did it here and now. That I don't want to keep doing it. I know exactly what I should be doing, and have done it before. But instead of talking about moving or anything I stayed in the present. And my husband said that moving would be bad because we couldn't afford the costs and this really bothered me because I hadn't even brought it up and also because the increase back to a salaried position would make us that expense back multiple times over.
And that really percolated in my mind. Because it felt like saying that I am not worth taking risks over or trying something for because it might cost money or not work out or whatever. That bothers me. I thought in a relationship you do have to take risks and try things and somethings sacrifice a bit for your spouse and know they will do the same for you. To me, marriage and family is about being together than apart, about knowing you are sacrificing now but your spouse will take a risk later for you, and so forth.
The thought of not being worth that, of my husband not sure if I and us as a couple are worthy of risks really bothers me. things are tricky sometimes but I used to be sure that my husband loved me, that it was worth it, and that when it made more sense, my husband would try something for me, because my hopes and dreams were also worth something to us all.
Hello 123lost,
You have not posted an update recently. Anything new?
In previous posts you mentioned the messy house that you don't like to clean up by yourself. Is it possible to hire a housekeeper?
I hope you will continue to reach out here.
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