LRT in Full Effect. Scared but still determined

[BillyHo]

I can say that the discernment counseling was worth trying. I would say it probably depends on your counselor. I liked ours. I think my counselor looked at the situation and thought this is not a situation that the M can't be saved. I believe she tried to steer my wife toward the MC. In the end she just wasn't ready to do MC or say she wants a divorce. At the end we decided that her moving would be the only way she could have enough space to process her feelings. We said after a month or so we would go back and decide if we should do another round of discernment C.

My W has never mentioned D for whatever reason. I am moving forward with the thought that whether the worst or best case scenario plays out I'm going to make the most of it.

[Chris73]

Thanks man. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. But thanks for the inspiration to stay strong. How are you and your wife handling things with your boys? Have you agreed to separate schedules? Are you still doing things as a family?

We had my parents over last night for dinner and cake for my daughter's 5th birthday. They have no idea what's going on between us. It was so difficult to put on a happy face, and feels so dishonest too!

[BillyHo]

My W and I are getting along much better since the decision to separate was made. It seemed that her telling me of her plans to move out took a lot of weight off of her shoulders. W said she was stressed out about how I would react. In the past I would have been very emotional and probably either broke down or blew up. I did neither. I calmly validated her feelings and said if this is what you need in order to figure things out then I will support you in that decision.

We are still in the same house for another week or so. Once she leaves we will have the boys pretty much 50/50. Each a couple nights a week and every other weekend. We told the boys 2 days ago. It was the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Now they seem to be excited to have 2 places to live. I'm sure the novelty will wear off eventually but I hope my W and I remain civil and respectful toward each other so the kids can see how you treat someone you care for.

We are still doing things as a family. Once she moves I'm not sure if that continues or not. I am helping her move but if I feel that is affecting me in a negative way I will pull back some. I'm not detached but I think I'm on my way.

[Chris73]

Thanks man. I really feel for you and I hope you are all able to enjoy the holidays as much as possible.

I'm praying that my sitch doesn't come to this. I think my W has a lot of issues from her childhood that are finally coming to light now, and she can't deal with the life that she's created with me and our kids until she deals with them. I think true detachment means that I will support her as she goes through this, but not wait for her. It means that I will try to be the lighthouse at all times, even if we never reconcile, for the sake of our kids and our friendship.

[BillyHo]

I was in your same position about 1 month ago. I'm not sure but I think her moving out may be good for both of us. I'm sure you can agree that in house separation is not easy. We did it for a couple of months and W was so full of anxiety that I think it only made things worse. For me seeing her was a constant reminder of how bad things were going. I hope with the separation we both get a little room to breath and grow individually. Hopefully we can then grow our MR better than ever. If not I will still be a better more self reliant man when it is all over.

Hang in there buddy. Just know if it does come to someone moving out it isn't necessarily the end. Keep your head up and focus on you and your children.

Feel free to stop over at my thread. I've been posting quite a bit lately but the responses have been pretty sparse.

[Vanilla]

Chris

Do not move out of the MH, your WW is the cheater here. Not even out of the MBR.

Please consult an L, with some urgency.

I understand you might think you can 'nice' your WW into an R or back into M.

Sadly what you agree at outset verbally, may not hold. And WW can change this in an instant.

Please seek good L advice, interview Ls until you find one you can work with.

And with a WW generally immediately seek joint custody, be involved with your kids from outset. I have learned from seeing this on the board (and off it) that it can be very tough to change interim arrangements through many court systems.

If you are in an area where there is fault D, you may need to know this too.

Get to know your L.

These are my thoughts

V