Well ll it's been a few eventful weeks, STBXH filled for D, I think I should be moving to the "Surviving the big D" forum soon, but wanted to give everyone a little update. We have been communicating a bit more, he has really been difficult about everything. I'm ok, somehow I feel fine and I'm happy that the kids and I are ok. He told me loads of horrible things about my personality, my relationship with his parents, my parenting skills etc etc. I cannot believe that he hates me so much. There is no way of going back after his horrible comments, I'm trying not to believe his rewriting of our history for my own sanity, but the man lives in Lalaland. I'm concentrating on the kids and securing a good financial arrangement, that's all I can do now.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I am very sorry to read that he has actually filed for the D. As for the things he's saying about you...I know it's hard, but ignore them. Had he thought all of this stuff about you, he should have been speaking up earlier in the marriage and certainly not at this time. He doesn't hate you...he hates himself and those ugly things he's saying are projections on to you about how he feels about himself. He needs a justification for divorcing you and you know what? He can't find one, so he's making this stuff up to make himself feel better for what he's doing to you.
My xh told me that he said some pretty ugly things about me because it was the only way he could justify leaving and divorcing me. The things he said were really about how he felt about himself and he wanted me to hear them so that I would hate him. He needed for me to hate him in order for him to continue to do what he was doing. He said that because I was kind and didn't tar and feather him w/family and friends just made him feel more guilty for what he was doing. He couldn't stand me not saying nasty things about him. It's them...not us.
Continue to concentrate on the kids and getting a good financial arrangement in place. Also, if you want to remain in this forum, you most certainly can. Nothing says you need to pop over to the Surviving the Big D forum unless you want to.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Esame, Thank you for the update. I'd wondered how you were doing. I'm sorry about the filing, but Job is right. They get really nasty because it's the only way they can do this horrible thing . For every finger he's pointing at you, three are pointing back at him.
You are right to focus on the kids and a good financial arrangement.
Your words about no going back after the horrible things he said - don't you think that was his intention? To create a situation of the point of no return? I have always sensed that my husband needed to do the same in order to leave. Anyhow, it's time to focus on you. What do you want? What do you and the kids need? That has to be the priority now. Sending {{{{hugs}}}} xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi esame, We've missed you. I'm sorry to hear that your h has officially filed. I feel for you, because I am in the thick of it as well. Just as job and bttrfly so eloquently mentioned, the nastiness is truly projection on his part. I've recently experienced this myself. Fortunately, you, I, and all of us have been doing the work to make us better people and stronger people emotionally. We're not nasty, vile creatures... Period. Honestly, I make-up that my ex actually got angrier and meaner when he saw that I was doing ok.
You seem to be a great mom, and I know you're a strong women. Keep moving forward with integrity.
Take care, esame!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
