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My divorce was finalized 10 years ago in November. I thought I'd post and say hi to all the good folks out here.

Life is so much better now! I am very glad that the stress of not knowing what to expect day by day and the strain of fighting to save my marriage is over. It is very nice to know (with hindsight) that it actually couldn't have been saved and we are all a lot better now.

I don't miss my X at all. I keep conversations with him to an absolute minimum. Last fall, DD got married and X did walk her down the aisle. This was an event I had been dreading in the pre-BigD days. But it was the loveliest wedding ever! and DD and XH are close still, which is a good thing.

About 4 years after the D I got my current job. I am thriving in it and now make about 3 times what I did pre-D. My house will be paid off in about 5-6 years and then we can talk retirement! Woo-hoo!

Both kids are doing so well. DD working her dream job and married to her dream guy. Son is living in NYC (Manhattan) working at MOMA and living the life of a working artist.

I have been in a committed, exclusive relationship for the last 6 years. We are going through a rough patch and it remains to be seen what will happen next.

I remember so well the pain and desperation I was feeling when I first found this BB. I was on here constantly and posting sometimes several times a day. It was a real lifesaver! I formed some very deep and long lasting friendships on the board and I am so glad it is still here. Folks, all the general rules apply. Work on yourself. Detach.... drop the rope. Practice radical self-care ( Thanks Anne Lamott ) Cultivate meaningful relationships with folks other than your partner. Drink lots of water! :-)

best,
SG


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"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker






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Thank you for posting. It's always nice to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that one day perhaps we won't be consumed with thougts of our spouses.


M: 42
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Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Quote:
My house will be paid off in about 5-6 years and then we can talk retirement! Woo-hoo!
You GO girl!!!!!

It's often true that once the weight of the marriage is gone, we're able to pursue our own goals and dreams more freely, and good things come of that. You're a smart woman and it's been great to see how you've blossomed in this new job. I won't quite have my house paid off as soon as you but may still be able to retire around that same time - let's go traveling!

Sorry to hear you're having a rough patch with not-so-new-guy. What's that about? You know this is the best place to get advice about that sort of thing.

(P.S. sorry I was out of town last time you were in my area. Would love to see you next time!)

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Hi Ellie!

I am planning to be in your area sometime over Christmas break, tho not sure of the details.

My guy has been so good for me in many ways...when we first started "holding hands" he would dismiss my concerns about my body (shaming about my weight which was a favorite taunt of the XH) by saying that my body is "luscious" and he was great about helping around the house and with meals with my yard.

As time went on tho, he fell into a pretty deep depression. He stopped being reliable about earning money. A good thing about him is that he isn't afraid to get help when he needs it. So about a year ago I told him my concerns and he immediately took some good steps to address his issues. However, he stopped getting the support he needs and fell back into depression. Long story short (you know me and 3 strikes) by summer time I could tell that things weren't getting better and I asked him to move out.

A big complicating factor is that we are in very different life stages. He has a young (grade school) daughter and a son in HS. His life is VERY busy with these kids and not so much time for me.

We are living separately now and see each other a few times a week. That seems to be a nice compromise and I am hoping to see him get regular professional treatment for his depression, and I told him so.

So...time will tell


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"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker






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Hi JujuB!

Thanks for stopping by! I guarantee that if you do the DB things like detach, GAL, drop the rope, etc. etc you will stop obsessing about your spouse and be happier.

SG


Survival Goddess
"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker






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AW, sorry to hear about the BF's depression - it sure can be hard to live with someone who is depressive.

Try to see if he will also check for physical causes - inflammation, vitamin deficiencies (B vitamins, vitamin D), hypothyroidism etc. can all be causes of depression, as can prescription medications like beta blockers or statins.

Exercise and healthy diet can also go a long way.

(Btw - there's absolutely nothing wrong with your figure!!!)

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P.S. definitely let me know when you're coming down, would love to get together.

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Yep...we need to check all the things...BUT I am not parenting this one (lesson learned) and he has to do it himself. Very frustrating and not sure how to manage that. His insurance situation is majorly messed up due to Covered California and he doesn't have the motivation to fix it. .. Thereby adding to the problem.

He eats well and is physically pretty active. He teaches Aikido 2x a week and is a contractor. Definitely usually not much of a couch potato.

Oh, and thanks for the compliment!


Survival Goddess
"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker







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