Found out about W affair, she does not know I know

[Steady9]

Face value is what I meant to say above

I read your post however and thought I would throw a brief response from a guy who has been where you are.

First of all relax and breathe, a lot!

Do you have friends and social activities ti keep you busy (Hobbies)? If not find them and start doing them. One mistake often made by people going through this is they forget that they have a life to live.

Regardless of how your situation turns out you have been given an opportunity to focus on yourself. Find those things that mean something to you and get involved in them. Many times our marriages define us and we forget to live for our own cause, instead we live to be married.

Your spouse will make her way through this on her own. Nothing you do or say to her about this will help because you are the big question that she has conflict with inside herself. She has to work through her issues in this manner because right now you are simply a reminder to her of her own failures and infidelity.

When a marriage hits a fork in the road or stumbling block like this it becomes a battle of conscience. For her it is about working through her actions and figuring out how she lost her way. For you it is about focusing on yourself and learning about forgiveness. We fight the hard fight to save our marriages and sometimes in the end do not have the ability to forgive what we thought we could.

Read, read, read. Post when you can. Focus on you and your life.

For god's sake do not look for reasons for her actions. I promise you will drive yourself nuts over analyzing them. Be polite, treat her with the respect that your wife deserves. Be a man of character who can look back at all of this no matter how it turns out and have respect for himself for always being in control.

Understand that marriages go through rough patches and sometimes one partner has to carry the torch for the relationship while the other struggles through their demons. In the end, whether your marriage is saved or not, she will know that her husband stood for her and tried as hard as he could to keep his promise.

Our own integrity and character are the only things we can control in your situation so stay focused and keep yourself busy.


Hope this helps.

Ian

[Natus]

There you go. So do that.

Play a little game with yourself, ask yourself "what if?"
Like what if it doesnt work out, what will you do to put yourself in a better place, what have you always wanted to do, what can you do that you may have held back from doing (except for other women ofcourse).

Stop analysing her (i did that and it got me nowhere, actually it spiraled me down into a deep dark hole) and Figure out what you can do to be happy. Focus on yourself. Become a dude that is happy and confident, one that would make any woman a fool to leave.

[Steady9]

Ian-- this very helpful. I reflected on your post today and realized I was stuck trying to understand... also like the other paragraphs will focus on my own character and being busy.

Thanks again for this post. A month ago I felt alone and today I feel like this is part of life and others have made it.

[sandi2]

As much as you want to get through this terrible part of your life, and even though you are working hard.....some of these things take time. She has an emotional process she has to go through, in order for her to genuinely get to the place to have a happy & loving MR again. From what I've learned, the H can't bounce back overnight, either.

I think I can see where you are wanting to go with this idea of dating as if it's a year after you two have divorced. But Steady, you are trying to skip over a critical period that's necessary for the healing process.

If she is being completely honest and has ended all contact with OM, then that's the first step toward reconciliation. However, as bad of a taste as it leaves in your mouth, she has got to go through the withdrawals. An affair is highly addictive. Even an emotional or imaginary affair has powerful effects on a woman. She needs a recovery/prevention plan, much like any other addict when in rehab. No connections, suppliers, sources, etc. That means no friends who would cover up details for her contacting OM, deleting all social media, phone numbers, old messages, pictures, or anything that would be a trigger. She doesn't need to go back to her hometown for a long, long time. Accountability, like a transparency plan, to help her stick to the straight & narrow road.....is crucial. This is not the time to "just trust her word". She should have the challenge of earning your trust, after betraying you.

You need access to all her messages. She doesn't need to know when or if you'll be looking, and you don't have to check every day.....but you do need to monitor her messaging activity during the first year after an A, at the very least. She doesn't need to be on the computer behind closed doors, taking "private" calls, staying out late with the girls at the bar, staying overnight, or taking weekend trips without you. Not while she's going through this withdrawal period. Even if she says it makes her sick to think of the OM, it needs to be treated as an addiction. Do not sweep this under the rug.

Stop telling her she will need to ask you to M her. Don't jump into romance. I think you are rushing the vows ceremony, but that's MHO. She has to get every trace of OM out of her system before she can emotionally receive another man (even you) into her heart again. The A was a salve to feel better, not b/c the OM was richer, better looking, or whatever. It was all about her and how she felt. Those feelings didn't just disappear when she got caught. If she feels remorse, and she's willing to work to save the M......then it stands a real shot in succeeding. But you've got to give time to healing.

All these fears you are experiencing is part of the process for you. You jumped right in there to tell her you forgave her, didn't you? Well, I think you'll have an angry period, where you start resenting what she's done. A lot of LBH's become the WAH after the WW ends her A. Know why? They are so focused on the A/OM, and are targeted on getting her to stay in the M........so when it happens, then he has some type of delayed reaction. Where he previously felt heartache due to her A/OM......now it's added to all kind of doubts and fears, plus the feelings of unforgiveness rearing its ugly head. Slow down, Steady, and find a qualified therapist to help in guiding a couple after an affair in the M.

There have been a few men who wanted us to believe they just sailed right past all of that and their WW's were madly in love with them as soon as the A was over. I say they are full of b.s. It is a painful healing process for both you and your W! I think a lot of couples don't make it through piecing the M back together, b/c they believe they can figure it out on their own.

[pinn]

Awesome thanks sandi... I need this just as much as steady... we are at similar points

[Steady9]

Thanks Sandi-- I am still reflecting and have taken a couple of days off of talking about and thinking about R. Mostly just working on my fitness and my mind and around the house.

My W has made several comments over the past couple of days- unprompted like " I did a lot of good things over the past 16 years and one very bad thing .... that ruins it". And. " I hope some day you can look at me close to the way you used too"

She is doing better with the kids still. I have complete access to devices.

[Cadet]

Please start a new thread this one is about to lock as it is over 100 posts.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2713435#Post2713435