New LBH with WAW/Possibly WW, help Part 2

[doodler]

Is there any advice for what I should do, or is it just more patience?

nutts,

In my opinion, she's still very deep in the WW fog and she probably doesn't currently have any intention of remaining with you over the long term. She'll keep you on the hook forever (i.e. Plan B) if you let her. Get a life (GAL) and show her that you're moving on.

[nutts]

Is there any advice for what I should do, or is it just more patience?

nutts,

In my opinion, she's still very deep in the WW fog and she probably doesn't currently have any intention of remaining with you over the long term. She'll keep you on the hook forever (i.e. Plan B) if you let her. Get a life (GAL) and show her that you're moving on.

Doodler,

So, we're in this limbo now, going through the motions of life, but not really with each other. For me, showing her I'm moving on would be to get the finances she's asking for, and ask her to work on the divorce numbers.

I'm not sure I want to take that step, as she will probably continue to push for it.

Of course, she might not, maybe she'll start to revert some. It's just a hard line for me to take, but maybe I should do it, the divorce won't be final for a while yet.

Either way, always appreciate your advice.

[nutts]

Again, just wanted to specify she isn't in any active A, and isn't acting like a typical WW towards me, so I'm not 100% sure that's right. She may still be in the fog though, so I do need to consider that.

[doodler]

For me, showing her I'm moving on would be to get the finances she's asking for, and ask her to work on the divorce numbers.

I'm not sure I want to take that step, as she will probably continue to push for it.

nutts,

I'm no expert at this stuff, but even though your wife isn't in an active affair, she certainly seems to have one foot out the door.

I had six sessions with a DB coach. At the time, my wife wanted to talk to my sons about divorce, but I resisted because I didn't want a divorce. The coach kept pushing me to research how parents should talk to their children about divorce and present my findings to my wife (send articles and links). I resisted doing that because I couldn't imagine divorce and helping her toward divorced seemed so entirely wrong.

Looking back, I completely understand that I was pursuing. I should've done what the coach asked.

About a month after that coaching session, a switch flipped inside me, I was ready for her to go. I turned into a cowboy with big @ss Texas sh*t kickers and I started kicking and I haven't stopped since. I'm divorced now, but things got so much better after I stopped allowing her to rule my life.

Your situation may well be different, but I think you're still pursuing and she's still running.

The perfect metaphor just occurred to me! You stall an airplane and the nose falls. You're instinct is to pull up, but you know that you have to push down to regain airspeed. Right now, you're stalled and you need to do the opposite of what you're currently doing so you can regain airspeed and start flying again. Does that help?

[doodler]

The perfect metaphor just occurred to me! You stall an airplane and the nose falls. You're instinct is to pull up, but you know that you have to push down to regain airspeed. Right now, you're stalled and you need to do the opposite of what you're currently doing so you can regain airspeed and start flying again. Does that help?

Oops...I think I confused you with mattw. So, if you're not a pilot, then disregard the metaphor.

[DonH]

Crap, that was a great comparison too. I'm thinking, wow, Doodler pulled out a really useful, good suggestion there... Only to find out he may have done it with a non-pilot, left scratching his head and saying, huh? Now that's the Doodle I know! . I kid, I kid

[nutts]

While I'm not a pilot, I've flown RC airplanes a good bit, as well as simulators, so I fully understand the metaphor.

Everyone keeps saying it will feel like doing the opposite of what you think you should be doing while DB'ing, so the metaphor fits.

Thanks.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I'm divorced now,

Your situation may well be different, but I think you're still pursuing and she's still running.

The perfect metaphor just occurred to me! You stall an airplane and the nose falls. You're instinct is to pull up, but you know that you have to push down to regain airspeed. Right now, you're stalled and you need to do the opposite of what you're currently doing so you can regain airspeed and start flying again. Does that help?

I'm NOT divorced and happily recovered and my opinion is that you are NOT pursuing and doing what doodler proposes above will only result in you ending up divorced like him.

You've successfully delayed her through withdrawal and, like my wife and many other (former) wayward wives, her rationalizations and justifications have convinced her she's not in love with you and won't ever be. She's not going to change her mind because you ignore her and "gal". Some GAL stuff does make you look more attractive but there has to be some strategic pursuing occurring to get more quality time with her in order for her feelings to begin to change.

Be the husband you choose to be. Presume you are lovable and perfect for her (God's gift to her - she just doesn't realize it right now). If she responds to that great. If not, that's her loss. Refuse to talk about or participate in any discussions about divorce or separation and go after her versus just sitting around waiting for the magic fairy to come along and change her feelings.

[bigybiz]

Georgia:

For me in the cheap seats can you be a little more clear. Are you saying it worked for you to pursue her? Nutts and I might like you to clarify? I think most of us LBH are trying to become the best husband every if not for the current, the future Mrs. We get that it's up to her to decide if she wants to be part of it or not.

But how did you walk the line of protecting/distancing yourself and letting her know that you are the man God chose for her and will be there no matter what?

[matw]

The perfect metaphor just occurred to me! You stall an airplane and the nose falls. You're instinct is to pull up, but you know that you have to push down to regain airspeed. Right now, you're stalled and you need to do the opposite of what you're currently doing so you can regain airspeed and start flying again. Does that help?

Oops...I think I confused you with mattw. So, if you're not a pilot, then disregard the metaphor.

I was impressed you were pulling out Airplane references on other people's sitch as well!


Anyways nutts I agree with Doodler and think you should probably do the opposite of what your currently doing as well. I am having troubles with that too and its extremely hard but what I am doing now isn't working very well either.