A Father, that was called a Super Hero-Wolverine

[Ripe]

SH,
I have been away from this forum but you have not been away from my thoughts.
I know that in this small blue globe a lot of men and women are fighting to become better persons and maybe in the process saving their marriages.
One of them is you. You helped me with your advise and your words and because of that our paths have crossed each other. Who I am today is now partly because of you.
So you will always be with me.
And I hope that those close to your heart who need you will always have you.
I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world. It will come eventually.
I have learnt that I cannot provide my kids with a complete family and cannot protect them from the pain their parents' separation causes them.
But I can fill them with my unconditional love.
And this I have promised myself.
I now start to realize that what's in the way is the way.
Obrigado por tudo.

[roist]

Best wishes for the new year. Glad you have the support you need during hard times.

[SH_]

It was just over 2 years ago this past Friday that the BD began for me and my family.

I was preparing to take d7 (d5 at the time) to her very first Daddy Daughter dance at her school. I had left work a few minutes early and had arrived home in preparation for the evening. Former W had arrived afterwards with my daughters and was in an agitated state mumbling about one thing and another. I had noticed this agitated state for the past several weeks and asked on a couple of occasions what was on her mind and what may be bothering her. If she provided a response, it was to blow me off and say it was nothing.

On this particular evening I ignored it in preparation to have a good evening with my girls...

Then out of nowhere the fireworks began...the first explosion came as she began yelling at me that I was late and I had better hurry up.

I responded that I was running ahead of schedule and that we would be early without an issue...it turned out I was indeed off schedule a bit as I had planned for a time 30 minutes past the start time. I apologized and stated that I could be ready and on time, still...the fireworks of verbal darts then commenced in her berating me and telling me how lazy I was, and how I never cared about anything and so forth.

I remained silent as was my emotional defense system for so many years when under assault in this manner...10 or 15 minutes of the verbal assault went on when the lock that held back the voice of my mental defense and words snapped...

I yelled, "Quit treating me like I am a child!"

This halted the verbal tirade she was shooting a me...it was also, essentially, the beginning of an end.

There are still many here in the neighborhood that were there for me in the months that followed and are familiar with my story.
There are so many new neighbors that have moved into this neighborhood since the last time I walked these streets.

For those new here, if you have experienced the tragedy of the WAW or WAS, perhaps you may find clues, solace, or maybe even sound advice in the threads that were left and created around me that were my story in early 2016, until I struck out on my own and left the halls of this sanctuary forum.

Far too many good folks find themselves here on the short end of a BD.
Many find comfort, support and guidance in these streets... and for these reasons I return to share and shed some light on what I gathered while here. As well as what I have continued to learn and been able to share forward in other neighborhoods for those experiencing the tragedy of abandonment. The pain of the BD has a far more reaching radius than I would have ever believed prior to my own experience of it all.
And yet in my journeys I have found that the BD and deterioration of a MR can lead to great things...if work is put into play.

There is much material and many books, videos and research on the many aspects of what one goes through as it is related to what each of you may be going through now.

The starting point for each individual will vary and be different in the details. Yet so many of the principles are forever the same once you realize that your situation is not as unique as you may think.

For me, ground zero was coming to grips with what I was feeling, fearing and frankly unprepared to take on.

My search to identify what the issue was, understand it and then try and solve it was the driving factors of what I now look back on as the unraveling of my logical and common-sense self.

There was no logic to it all and that was the point of pressure and angst.
I did what most normal people would do. I sought out information and people that would and could understand what I was going through...

Then I did the next thing that any normal, common sense thinking person would do...I railed against it all, because they don't know what I am going through...my situation is unique...no one has the answers that I need...I need easy, no pain, solutions. I need to know exactly what to do to fix it all.

I pray that you sense the sarcasm in that sentiment.

Now 2 years forward, divorce final just over 7 months ago, 2 well-adjusted daughters, new friends that truly do understand, and many new days and opportunities later I am gathering all that I have learned. My lessons have come from reading, writing, counseling, mentors, trial and error experiments, working to do things differently and a lifetime of new understanding of mental and emotional health. I now offer to share some of the lessons that I have learned from and had the greatest impact for me. I still work on these lessons daily and continue to grow from them. I offer to share them with any that may need it and are willing to accept.
These are the pertiment lessons that have had the greatest impact on my healing, growing, strengthening and experiencing life in a new manner.

The first lessons that I followed in order to slow the emotional bleeding and calm the pain of it all, are the many guidelines and steps that Cadet shares in his intro post to each newcomer. It is a compilation of so much valuable information for any that find themselves here. I won't spell it out here as each of you have seen it.

Some of you are following it as best you can, and some...some tend to ignore most of it and forge forward letting "feelings" and their own logic lead them into the storm.
I highly recommend that you read, study and apply the lessons early and often. But that is just the lesson that I learned on my journey.

It was a dark time for me, but I grabbed a hold of each topic and reviewed it with solid intent.

I believed I understood it and would try as I might to put everything into action as fast as I could...

But my energy levels were very depleted and my emotional state was fragile.
Shock.

Emotional shock that shook biological cornerstones of my well-being to the foundation. Sleep eluded me. Food was rarely consumed...I held onto one practice that had started a year or 2 prior.

I woke up each morning and went running.
Many a morning my vision was clouded with tears and despair...but I rose early and ran, each and every day.

It saved my life.

I cannot imagine what the damage that may have taken place without this. I suffered from high levels of anxiety and my therapist and doctor were concerned as the chemical levels had potential to create physical damages to me.

You see, the chemical balance of the human body is a delicate one and the chemical adjustments that one experiences when hit with the anxiety and depression that this incident doles out, can be very damaging to the organs of the body. It is of upmost importance to do whatever it takes to balance it all out.
Clear thinking and balanced emotions depend on it.

The first and most important lesson that I learned in my journey was that of personal physical care.

That in turn provided me the space to wade into the depths of the emotional and psychological seas to discover the healing I sought, the strength that I desired and the wisdom needed to embark on the new path that was before me.

That story will be for another time.

See part 2

[SH_]

Today I share the lessons that had the biggest impact for me and my family now 2 years removed from the explosion of the BD.

Here are the key lessons that I use often, continue to learn from and share with others when I am sought out for thoughts and ideas for success in their own journey.

You must feed the actions to raise and maintain your physical health.
1. Take care of your health above all else.

Eat healthy
Movement and exercise
Sleep

2. The Stockdale paradox

Look this up. Read it. The lesson, you must engage in a meaningful activity no matter that you have no idea if and when the ordeal of it all has an end date.
Your future self will thank you.

3. Meditation

This is where I began to learn to separate the "monkey chatter" in my mind from the voice of reason and logic. To separate the physical sensations the brain triggers in the body when one is in danger versus perceived dangers that were not real. This is a daily practice and ritual for myself and my daughters.
Read...study...find anything and everything that you can for your situation.
For me it was the discovery of MWD explanation of the WAW that helped me focus on a direction to move forward. This was the beginning of seeking out material on many other topics such as
Detachment
Being a Man
Habits
Raising of happy and healthy children
Faith and belief

There are many more, but these are the ones that I read, research and practice still.

4. Fears

Identify them

Face them

The only way is through them.

I studied this in depth.

This was the source of so much lost time, energy and poor habits for me during this time...and in life up to this time. I continue to research this and seek mentors and guidance to face this.

5. Abandonment

This is a very real emotional challenge and applies to more situations than you may know. Seek out the knowledge in this and you will identify that what you are experiencing emotionally is not unique and has stages that you can work through with awareness and understanding.

6. Detachment

This was a topic that I discussed with many in my thread and in others threads in my time here. it is a key element to moving on. I believe it is a topic that can be difficult to comprehend and often it seems to be misunderstood. I saw that often it is a term used in statements that indicate a simple passing of time and or hardening one's heart.

I choose to believe that it is a choice and when followed by intentional actions of love and compassion that one can find great and healthy benefit in it, not only in the current situation, but in all of one's relationships in life.

7. Boundaries

There is ample information and guidance for creating and maintaining healthy boundaries for oneself. Seek out this knowledge and work at this. I currently coach several people on this topic as they observed and noticed a change in me and my daughters as I learned and taught them this very important skill. This skill helped me maintain sanity in my situation. I also believe that it has helped me forge healthier interactions with my former W and others in my life.

8.Happiness

It is a feeling that stems from action and choice. The ongoing realization that for so much of my life I believed that feelings were simple sensations...I now choose to believe that we have the power to choose. There are only a handful of actual physical sensations that the human body feels...yet there are over 100 words in the English language to describe these sensations. Over 70% of the words have negative connotations. Happiness can be a choice and there are actions one can take to experience a state of happiness.

9. Love

Another feeling that I believe to be a verb. I thought I did not know what love was. That I was not capable of such a feeling. I have learned that not only am I capable of it, but that I feel it genuinely for many in my life. The beauty of this choice is that there are no strings attached. I choose love without expectations and in doing so I have found that I love more deeply for those that are important in my life.

10. Forgiveness

This takes work, action and a continued conversation in the heart, mind and soul. I can truly say that I am continuing the acts of forgiveness for my former W. We are cordial these days. 🙂. I can truly say that I forgive her.

11. Re-discover yourself

Go find activities that you once liked. Try new ones. Mingle with people that engage in these activities.
Cadet states in well. You have been given the gift of time. Go use it.

12. Gather a team

You will need a team for support and growth. If you were hurt in an accident you would gather doctors, nurses, surgeons, physical therapists, family and friends to help nurse you back to health.

This is no different. Gather the appropriate team of counselors, therapists, doctors, mentors, lawyers, family and friends.

Be cautious as you gather this team. Ensure they mirror and match your values, understand your goals and can provide you the encouragements, advice and support that benefits you.

13. There are no shortcuts

Many that I know have gone through the BD and attempted to take shortcuts.
Substances, new romantic relationships, getting lost in work or other activities that isolate one self.

This will only slow the progress if not lead to destruction of sorts.
I know there are those that will say there are exceptions...and there may be...but I chose not to take that chance. I also know some that have and the piper demanded payment eventually.

I would always encourage that you focus on you, the work that will be necessary for your healing and returning to strength. And if you choose to be an even better version of your former self. There is one rule that you will have to abide by.

That rule is you are going to have to put in the work!

[SH_]

These are key lessons that I attribute getting to where I am at so far. There are many more lessons. These are the foundations that I have built my journey on and come back to when things feel of kilter.

I still have a long way to go. I have to perfected my knowledge, skills and abilities in all of this as of yet, but I regroup often and reestablish new goals and routines as I make myself aware that I am in need of continued healing and growth.
I want those that feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel too know, that the light is there. If you choose to walk forward.

Steer clear of anywhere or anyone that tells you of all the grim things that you will now have to face because of your situation. This creates more fear and doubt and oft times the overwhelming feelings of despair. You will be fine. your children can be fine if you work towards it. you have more power in all of this than you may believe. You can't control everything that happens, but you do control you...your children will see this. Be the rock and lighthouse for them.

In my journey, I am experiencing happiness and fulfillment from all that I live. My daughters are in the most wonderful of places with my oldest, D19, starting her own business and doing things that seemed impossible just a few short years ago. D7 is excelling in school and has grown socially in amazing ways. They are happy. I am happy. We see glimpses of their mother in a better place.

I continue to choose forgiveness and love for my former W. Those of you that know my story, will be glad to hear that the crazy and angry have subsided and we now have cordial and peaceful interactions and conversations. Dare I say they are interactions of kindness even.

It was 2 years ago that a dance for a daughter and her father was the starting point of a nightmare...and this past Friday I took my D7 and D19 to a similar dance. This time it was my former W that reached out and inquired if I would like to take d7 on her parenting night to the dance. As she works at d7's school she assisted me in coordinating the evening and helped me in making it a memorable night for me and my daughters. A new memory has now been placed over the time and date of a bad memory.

If that is not a light at the end of a very dark tunnel, then I don't know what is.

My family and I are very blessed and the experience and journey of the past 2 years has been a challenging one. But the lessons and the growth from it all have blessed my family tremendously.

I share my gratitude with so many of you that were in these forums and I thank you for being there in the moments of darkest despair...the moments that I felt there was nowhere to turn. It was the compassion. The understanding. The kindness of strangers that cheered me to stand up from the canvas one more time. As many times as it took, too be able to stand on my own.

You each will forever be etched into my story of triumph... and my heart. Some were weathering their own storms. Some sharing their own stories of success. Others, simply sharing a kind word. You each are the fans and supporters that my family will know as the inspiration for me to push on and experience the calm and joy that I have today.

May god bless each of you

And in the fashion that many of you know me for, I leave a favorite quote of mine from the Hero that I relate to...


"You're not doin' anyone any good by chewin' on the past, kid. What's done is done. Now let's just concentrate on setting things right." ~James Howlett aka Wolverine

[Holding]

SH, thanks for sharing the lessons that you've learned on your journey.

I'd never heard of the Stockdale paradox, but it's an interesting concept that I hope to apply to my own sitch.

[BluWave]

(((SH)))

Well hello, old friend. So wonderful to see you here and to read your words. We came here around the same time. You offered so much then and I am sure you have as much, or more, to offer now. Will you stay?

I am glad that you and your Ds are doing well. You are a devoted father. It is wonderful to read that you are in a much better place overall now. Your advise and experience is invaluable.

It can be hard to keep coming back, day after day. You give so much of yourself. You would write me pages and pages. Not just for me, but to many here. (I wonder how Phoebe is doing). I learned so much from you. And your style is eloquent and unique, and you are of overflowing with wisdom.

I think in some ways we are alike in that we approach certain things as all or nothing. I tend to immerse myself in things and then am easily overwhelmed or find myself spending too much time here and not enough time there, or vice versa. Passionate people tend to do this, it's not a bad thing. But we can never have enough balance in life, can we?

I do not read/post much often either. I am going to try and aim for more balance though. I don't need so spend hours, but maybe just a few more minutes here and there. I think it helps the newcomers to hear from us old timers :-) We will all survive THIS journey eventually.

Blu

[SH_]

Holding, I am pleased to hear you found the paradox of value. I have dropped by your pad and shared more.

Blu...my dear friend, Blu.

I am delighted to see that you are one of the first to greet me as I return to the neighborhood. I have thought of you often and had you in my heart and prayers. You were a connection here that opened up many delightful and deep conversations that I have thought on frequently and continued to learn and evolve with.

I have only caught up on your most recent happenings and am pleased to see you standing tall and proud so quickly after falling to the canvas.
I am truly pleased to hear you are doing well and have turned a corner of such and are charging into the heart of it all to come out the champion that you are.

I took leave of of this place to seek out new frontiers for healing and growth. I admit that I did not intend to walk from here so soon, but as I wandered just out of earshot, I realized I was out further than I had realized...I began to turn back, but curiosity caught me and I ventured further into new places to seek out wisdom, answers and...to see if I could stand up on my own.
Yes, my approach is all in. It can drain the battery and deplete the energy quickly. But I push on.

Today I stand stronger and more confident. I have discovered new lands and people that raise me up...and provide me the opportunity to do the same for them...because I have the tendency to go all in, I am cautious to balance out what I can hold up and what may bring me to my knees. I am finding new strengths and talents that had remained hidden to me.
New chapters have been written in my story.
There is change and shift in me...and all around me.
I see life with a new curiosity...I enjoy the moment...I am more aware than I ever have been.
I am more willing to sit alone with my fears...to look at them with curiosity...to make friends with them.
There are many of them, so it may take some time to acquaint with each of them, but I take time to do so...

I am a proud father of two of the most amazing young ladies that are accomplishing things I never believed possible just a couple of short years ago. This gives me new energy each day! I dare say, that the blessings and silver lining of the what has happened has opened my eyes to possibilities that I never would have known or believed possible.

I don't know what the future holds for me...and frankly that is not a concern in this moment...I have today to focus on.
The past is no longer a demon that haunts me...it tries too...but I know that my past is not as clearly remembered as the BS stories that the mind oft tries to tell me.
Not living in the past...and looking into the future with hope...can really change the perspective of all that is around one self.

I am truly grateful for the woman that is my former W. She partnered with me to bring into this world two angels that have taught me the value of living each day fully, and charging into the unknown with faith that all will be well, and as we put in the work to accomplish what we go after...win lose or draw, we triumph.

Blu, you ask if I will stay...I desire to share forward the compassion and wisdom that so many shared with me. These halls were a God send for me in the darkest moments of my life. I owe it to those that stood beside me and helped lift me up. And I make every effort to do so...I will will be around.
How often? We shall see. I tend to wander and now life beckons that I continue to venture and explore. But I will not forget the places that helped me cement foundations to stand up on.

My prayers to everyone going through a hell that I know to well.
Chin up
Nurture the light within
It can be better
Your choice.

[pinn]

Incredible post SH. Thanks for sharing. I find it to be quite uplifting. I think your key lessons are spot on. I don’t come around often but always like seeing updates from people who have not been around a while. I do recall following along with you in the early days. I am glad to see you are doing well. Take care

[Mach1]

What up punk ??

Good to see you kickin up some dust on this old thread...

: )