I can't even stand what is going on here. My husband has been gone a month and whenever he talks to me, which is rare, it's not very nice. He is uncomfortable around me because of the hurtful things that he is thinking. That is what he tells me. I am trying to stop the pursuit and I did for like three days. I am so worried that he is not going to come back to our home and our family. He won't get any help, no counseling or anything. Our problems are so small that they can be solved by marriage therapy. Hmm, I'm so sad today. I guess his personal problems are larger and it must be making him think that all the problems are larger Thank you. I just needed to type it out.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
If he's in MLC, you aren't going to be able to rationalize w/him about anything. Why? Because he's angry at the world, himself and he thinks you are the problem as well as the marriage. This journey is a very emotional one for him and you have to remember...this is all about him and how he feels and sees the world at this time.
I'm going to search out your thread over on Newcomers and link it here for the convenience of the posters.
Keep the focus on you, watch your finances and your assets. I know it's difficult, but you can't take what he says to heart. He's in crisis and depression and they do see the one w/very dark glasses.
Last edited by job; 09/30/1609:42 AM. Reason: Added a link to another thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know there will be life after this, but I just feel like he is doing such a disservice to himself and us because he won't get any counseling or help to try to figure this out. How can you sleep every night knowing that you didn't do everything you could do to save your relationship and your family?
TLE I just read your thread at newcomers and wanted to reply on that last a point you made. He will not believe word you say now, and he doesn't think he is doing a disservice to anyone. He has probably rewritten all your history in his brain to suit his beliefs, and you are no longer his "honey" or his "beautiful wife". You (and everything you represent) are the enemy. The proof that he is getting older and has responsibilities. My H told me some horrible things, but one of the most hurtful is that he thinks "I'm a good person deep inside". That to me implied that he sees me as a monster or a horrible person, which is so far from the truth. If anything I let people walk all over me, and I'm too nice, I have never hurt anyone in my entire life, and the person I loved the most was attacking not only our marriage, but my personality, my beliefs and even my children's happiness. The only way to handle that is to dismiss it as some sort of temporary insanity caused by the MLC. Because otherwise I would have to admit that I lived with a sociopath for 16 years, and I'm not ready to go there.
Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. Someone gave me this advice here (job I think) and I think it is the only way to deal with the pain.
Best of luck with everything, it will get easier. Going dark helped me enormously and so did exercise. I think I would have lost the plot if it wasn't for exercising and the support I got here from all the lovely DBers. I was an exercise novice so I started walking loads and then running (I did the "couch to 5K" app) but any form of activity will help you.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Sorry you find yourself here, but please know his MLC is not your fault and you didn't do anything to create it It is their journey and it takes time As hard as it is now, the pain will ease up and you will find your way no matter what happens with your H Some do return For now try to take care of yourself and find support here and elsewhere to help get through the initial pain the beginning of this seems to be the hardest time for the Lbs, as it is so hard to understand what happened. AS you said your M problems are small and could be worked out, but this is not about the M..It is about unresolved childhood issues that your husband will need to heal if he chooses..Usually MLC takes them out to sea for a while until they can figure it all out.
It makes sense to watch the bank accounts and credit cards because many of them become spenders and look for any way to feel good..they may drink more than usual, or dye their hair or buy some expensive new toys-
Try to get rest and sleep, eat and do whatever you can to relieve the stress.. whatever works for you
We Have all been through it and you will be ok-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Not sure if it had, let's say it's on life support at the moment.
H tried to finish things, but he hasn't got the nerve to leave yet. I told him that I will not be agreeing to a divorce now, so he would in effect have to leave and file and tell family and friends not that we divorced but that he left me. Not great DBing on my part, but I didn't know what else to do. So he is away five days a week and visits us in the weekend. Not sure how long that can work for, but I guess it hot me some more time?
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Thank you. I just needed to type it out.