Blu, I hadn't even heard of that, I will for sure have a read into that. He probably does see it that way, as he is hurt that my mil has took my side in this. Bare in mind, I have not done anything to influence this, I have acted as peace negotiator between the two of them, and haven't told her our conversations as I didn't want to put her in that position. But she is a very strong woman, she has been through my situation and knows she struggled her whole life because of how she was treated by his dad and her xh. I think it has just brought up a lot of emotions for her and he has become the person she always told him not to be. But I know that he is probably holding resentment towards me because of that. Not to mention the office gossips.. a lot of the potential spew I could chuck has been done by observers and nothing in the slightest to do with me. I'm a private person so I don't air my views to anyone.
I don't think I have been held back, I had been getting to a much more peaceful place of acceptance. It's just the last few days I've struggled with it more. The raging hormones and sadness for the children kinda floored me.
I wish I had seen this before he came to check if I was ok. I kinda got upset in front of him. I admitted I was sad about this situation, and that I know he is going and it's the end. And I said how I was feeling the baby and it made me sad. He kinda sat looking vacant. And said "I told you I was going, I'll be gone next week" then he went on to tell me how he feels like running away from everything and everyone. How he feels let down by his mom. He's had enough of gossips and bla bla. When he began to turn into a spew fest, although not directed at me, I validated all I could. But eventually excused myself.
I realised he is so so deep in this fog, he is incapable in the slightest to think about anyone else.
I'm not sure what's holding me back from physically kicking him out, probably my own hurt and emotion. Maybe I too am in my own fog.
I now have my new material to read up on. And I'll get back to reading DR for some focus. And I shall get back to trying to trudge on. Maybe it's my pushing myself too much recently that's worn me down a bit. I'm trying to be strong for MIL, trying to protect S and probably overcompensating for the fact his dad isn't around, and the pain of seeing your child upset because they don't understand; the pain I feel for the baby who won't know him. Plus on top of that, I've had so much work on recently, and then the hospital scares last week. I think I've just allowed everything to pile up on me that it's beaten me down a little.
I need to take stock. I can explain to work what I have going on, and maybe delegate a few responsibilities to others to take that load off me. And try to get myself off to sleep earlier. I can maybe take a step back from trying to be Mrs fix it and explain to MIL that it's getting tough to try to carry her pain too. And where S is concerned I probably won't ever stop using every ounce of strength to protect him, I'm sure he knows he is loved by his mama. And where this baby is concerned, I need to recognise that this baby won't know any different, so long as baby has his/her mama, food and love, that's all they could want. As for the bond with wh, that's ultimately his loss. Not mine or babies. .
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
You are carrying too much. Let go of what is not within your control. Don't carry the burden for your mil. Her R with wh is not your circus. Neither is your s's R with his Dad.
Ask for lighter responsibilities at work. This is what I have done. You have many things going on.
Don't worry about the rumour mills at work. It is adding pressure to your wh and ow. Maybe that's why he's getting into a deeper funk.
Cherry, time to get rid of the monkeys on your back. You are taking on and worrying too much.
Having suffered from perinatal and post-natal depression, I understand how it can cast a pall on everything in life and make you anxious and exacerbates the bad.
Have you talked to your health practitioner about your sitch? Are you seeing a counsellor or a therapist?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I find that music makes a lot of difference for me. I stopped listening to mopey love songs and only tune in to spiritual or uplifting music.
I keep active because it keeps my mind occupied and my body fit. And the endorphins released are really useful. Have you tried looking at yoga?
You are a strong and attractive woman. I know you know that you can survive without your h. But the head says one thing and your heart says another, don't they?
You cannot understand how your h can throw away everything. That's the thing. You may never understand. And it's not your job to understand.
That is his circus. That is his choice.
You are doing great. I dont see that you're doing anything to push him away. You're being a lighthouse. You have dobe such a great job at being a w that he is going to feel the difference when he moves out. Skank definitely can't provide him that.
If his spew is getting you down, maybe you should just go dim and excuse yourself. If you don't feel up to it, you don't have to listen to him.
Protect yourself and your little one first.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Grl, you are so right. I just seem to have developed into fix it mode and trying to save everyone else.
I was striving for a promotion at work, which would have meant a bit extra money (that will end up back to the tax man). I'm going to push that out of my mind and delegate some of my workload. I may also reduce my hours so I can get some more rest. My health and that of my baby come first right now. I think I was on a one woman mission to prove I could still do a powerful job and juggle pregnancy and life. Though I think if people truly knew what I was juggling, they would be amazed!
I don't particularly worry about the gossips anymore. Yes sometimes it isn't nice to know people are talking about you, but I think mainly the focus on him and ow. Though I don't really like the "poor her" treatment or the "you're well rid" advise. Still, not my problem.
Yeah the midwifery team are aware that I am being treated for depression, the obstetrician and gp decided it is important for me to stay on the anti d's throughout. I'm awaiting an appointment on a ic. And I will be monitored by a mental health midwifery team. I believe my workplace can arrange private ic appointments, so I may enquiry there and see if I can get an appointment any quicker.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Thank you yeah I'm trying to avoid weepy romantic music. Uplifting powerful woman tracks I like!
I do swimming when I get the time, I'm quite interested in taking up an aquanatal or pregnancy yoga class. I did yoga throughout my last pregnancy too and I found that helped me stay as healthy as poss (and a bonus was I snapped back pretty much into shape straight away- I was all baby and water retention!)
I guess I've kind of gone past the stage of beleiveing he will feel a loss when he moves (maybe I'm trying to protect myself). But you're right, I need to kind of find some peace in the fact that I may never understand what has happened.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I was due for promotions too but I realised that at this point in life, I just can't deal with the extra stress. I wanted to prove that I was better than tpt and do better than her. But what the heck. I am not her. I don't want to be her and I don't want to prove anything to them.
Good that you're not paying any attention to the rumour mills. And you're right. He may or may not realise what an a$$ he is. And even if he does, he may not tell you.
This is where we wear the superhero cape, Cherry. Of accepting an apology that may never come. Of letting go of the hurt from a person who may never look behind to see the trail of destruction. We may not forgive them. We may not forget. But we can let go of the hurt that is holding us back.
Superbabe Cherry, you don't have to be perfect because you already are wonderful the way you are.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
You are cycling through grief. Remember when it starts you have vast waves crashing down on you. They become less frequent but can still take yhttps://www.google.com/maps/@40.8093353,-73.5121477,12z/data=!5m1!1e1our feet. They will become less frequent and eventually will feel much less painful. You will see from my posts that we are syncro-cycling (so I literally do understand how you have been feeling in real time). I have just 'lost it' over the last few weeks concentrate on getting back to your knees first. You can stand later. Then back in the saddle of DB'ing fully!! https://www.google.com/maps/@40.8093353,-73.5121477,12z/data=!5m1!1e1 You H has been talking to you, even having decent conversations recently, he has then detached again by the sounds of it, my WW has done the exactly the same. It is so, so cruel, and if it's not this, the grief is so cruel. We grieve, I believe ("that https://www.google.com/maps/@40.8093353,-73.5121477,12z/data=!5m1!1e1rhymes" - sorry, grow up Surfer!) because we have not let go. Because we still long for their love in the way we love them. It's very strange, as you can probably deal with a death more efficiently in some cases, yet they are not dead...very weird, granted but dead, no.
My WW said this so many times too "(s)he feels like running away from everything and everyone". And added, "can you imagine how I feel if I am saying that I understand how women just leave their children". I have to ask myself this, how can you possibly level at me anything which would legitimately be down to me that would make you do this. At the time, we were "co-habiting". She appeared to have lost it 'mentally' and was really struggling (for a long time). I hated to see it but all I could do was eggshell walk and try to avoid spew. It was horrible to see and horrible to be part of. I would not ever wish it on anyone - and I truly mean that.
Why do they say this? Again, so many have said - don't try and work it out. But we almost can't help it. We are almost addicted to thinking about these negative things. It's like crack to the brain. You can only stop this grief process by not thinking about it (by detaching). Think about something else or think positive (pattern interruption) is going to be today's mantra for you and I lady!
I think Blu mentioned the Drama Triangle. I have had to learn to understand lots of this as this definitely happened to me. I am going to focus on that again in all interactions with my W. There is a book called The Games People play, by Eric Berne that is useful too. There is a useful DT link below.
What is going on with the DT is a bit weird. It's kind of addiction to the victim role/acceptance of it (oddly your brain can get addicted to the habit - so pattern interruption helps; see above). You first have to spot the pattern before interrupting. I didn't think I needed this anymore but perhaps I need to keep in check. You might be spotting a pattern in your relationship or simply a pattern in your behaviour.
This is what happened for me, it may help. When we were living together my W used to open with a Victim position ("I am so sad about..") I would then want to be the Rescuer ("try not to think like that if you can, it's hurting you, how about this...?"). She would then turn the conversation on a pin ("you don't care, you never cared" [this would then become venom, spew and rage for hours - the kids would be asleep and woken and it was horrid, truly horrid. Without question the most frightening nights/days/months of my life - I have tears in my eyes even thinking about it]). I was then pushed in to Victim - defending myself by her turning Persecutor. It only stopped when I learned to end the game (I had to understand the DT to do this). Ending is walk away and set boundaries - I never knew how to, I was too 'nice/soft'. You wouldn't ever know if you met me however. You would think confident - trust me.
I tell you this as I think there is something useful here and I agree whilst you are helped by earlier mentioned sympathy and understanding posts (I can see that) it can result in sitting in the Victim Role. I know this, as I can do this too. It's probably a habit, a familiar feeling as the Victim. But you are not. My WW and I went to couples counselling and the counsellor told me someone has made me feel unlovable. I now know it was my W (I have let others do that too - they carry 5% of the blame). However, in reality the blame (if blame is the word) is mine - "I let them".
So here's something, do what you have been doing really well. Get back to your knees, then feet, then back in the saddle. You are not the Victim in the drama triangle you are the Casual Validator. What's the alternative, be the person that sits in the Victim role?
You have said your previous BF victimised you. If your MIL suffered this at hand of FIL, your WH may be looking to replicate his parents relationship (it often happens - for eg. MY MIL often dishes silent treatment [witholding], high levels of criticism etc to FIL). He may have seen this and have a hard wired problem of expecting this - i.e. unrealistic expectations of how your marital relationship should work. I think we all have this to some degree (on both sides of the fence).
You don't want the Victim role remember - he has said you should be "begging" to make this work - i.e. he doesn't like your strength. What do you want to be Strong or Victim? Also, your children are watching and will copy. What do you want them to be? Strong or Victim - potentially suffering the same relationship further down the line?
Just observations. I hope they help you today and going forward.
Surfer.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/07/1606:34 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
yeah I'm trying to avoid weepy romantic music. Uplifting powerful woman tracks I like! 