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Re: Zues

I really do not mean to excuse any of my actions over the past year. Probably the biggest reason I'm here and so interested in these boards is b/c I did NOT do any of the things that are so recommended. For every crappy thing my xW did, I followed it up w/ an equally crappy thing...it never meant I didn't love her, but I admittedly was being vengeful and I completely regret it. I didn't like who I had become and reading the inspiration of people that have gone through this is why I'm seeking advice. Of which, I thank you for yours.

I've had to take several good long looks in the mirror over the past 9 months and I'm still struck by the duplicity of my feelings. Spend a month building back my character, leadership, and stability...then lose it in a day. It's only recently that I've been able to piece longer stretches of this together...yet I still miss my xW, and that's the toughest thing in all of this. No matter how strong I am...I miss her.

Again, sorry if this sounds like I'm just venting/complaining, but hearing some tough love is probably what I need...so thanks for that.


ME-37 W-34 T-8 M-4
ILYBNILWY BD: 8-31-2015
EA suspected - 11/1/15
PA confirmed - 1/22/16
W files for D - 2/4/16
D - 8/9/16
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
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Originally Posted By: cskone
There's a whole other thing that I somehow forgot. She dated women exclusively from the age of 20-25


Maybe to point out the obvious ... she sounds like she might not feel a really strong direction in her own life ... and tried to force/repress it with you, and is now kind of going wild. She needs time and space to figure it out.

Somewhat similar story in my life. W repressed a lot over the years, I think...


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 20
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RE: ForGump

Thanks...I'll take a look at your posts. She did mention at some point after meeting with our mutual married friend with kids that, "it was a really tough reminder of the life I thought I wanted."

Jeez...I just remembered that she also got a tatoo of a 2' mermaid on her side.


ME-37 W-34 T-8 M-4
ILYBNILWY BD: 8-31-2015
EA suspected - 11/1/15
PA confirmed - 1/22/16
W files for D - 2/4/16
D - 8/9/16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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This is the card game I put together for my old buddy Pyrite:

Quote:

I read your post this morning but had to work all day and then had kid time tonight, this was my first chance to get back to you. I really want to share a model that I think will help you out.

There were two people, you and your W. Let's pretend there's a game being played. You have 10 cards you can choose from, A low, 10 high. Each time either of you interact with each other you have to decide to play a card symbolizing how you treat each other. A 10 means you choose to be extremely loving, selfless, generous, noble, and operate from your highest spiritual self. A 5 means you're having an average day, you're on auto pilot, you may do some things for your mate but aren't really engaged. A 3 is negative, critical, impatient. Below that is the red zone where it becomes destructive, controlling, and potentially abusive.

In the beginning each of you plays a 10 card. You both feel good about the love you're feeling, and feel good about the love you're getting. Somehow that's hard to maintain with life getting in the way. Eventually you notice the cards she's playing are 5s and 6s. This is frustrating. You came to really like 10s. In fact, when she was playing 10 cards you felt really good. When she plays 5s and 6s you feel dissatisfied. You get frustrated that she won't play the 10s like she used to.

Disappointment leads to frustration. Frustration leads to hurt. Hurt leads to anger. Anger that isn't addressed builds into resentment. Next thing you know, you don't feel loving. You don't feel like playing 10s much either. In fact, you start to resent even having to play 5s and 6s yourself. It's not fair! Why should she get everything she wants and needs and for her to neglect you with a series of 5s? You can't be happy with 5s, and you would be with 10s, so really it's her failure to do her job that is the cause for your unhappiness. You start to play lower and lower cards. Partly because you are so resentful you can't stand the thought of giving her what she wants while you're not getting what you want. Partly to try to "get her attention", or show her that something is wrong. And partly because you just don't have the loving feelings that generate bigger loving numbers.

You NEED big numbers to be happy. She's failing. You must force her to play bigger numbers. There's only one strategy left. Time to play some 2s and A's. Put the hammer down. Make it clear this is unacceptable. Either you give me what I want and deserve or I will make things absolutely unbearable. Verbal abuse. Withholding affection. Critical comments. Bullying. Whatever.

***OK, STOP THE GAME A MINUTE***

I described how it felt to play this game. If someone asked "what type of guy are you, are you the kind of guy that plays A's or 10's or what?", you'd respond "I'm a GREAT guy, I'll play 10s or at least pretty big cards most of the time". If someone asked "why did you play so many A's and 2's the last couple of years? That looked borderline abusive", you'd reply "WHOA! That's NOT ME. That's not who I am! I only played those cards because SHE left me no choice! She was playing 3's and 4's and not loving me the way I need to be loved! If she had done HER JOB right I would've been HAPPY to respond with 7s, 9s, and a 10 now and then!"

So the whole issue in your mind was the way she treated you, and how it caused you to respond. You don't identify with you behavior because you see it as a reflection of her failure.

BUT THERE ARE SOME TRUTHS
-YOU ARE THE CARDS YOU CHOOSE TO PLAY. If you play A's and 2's, you are abusive. Doesn't matter why. If you kill someone you're a murderer. If you rob a bank you're a bank robber. And when you choose to treat someone poorly, then you are a BAD H. PERIOD.

-IT'S NOT HER JOB TO PLAY 10S AND MAKE YOU HAPPY. Yes, 10s feel great. It's a nice treat in life to experience. But that's not life. Life isn't a series of sexual adventures, passionate date nights, back rubs, and sharing poetry. Why? I don't know. We build a tolerance to things and quickly expect them and take them for granted. Heck, even if she kept playing 10s they would start to feel like 7s to you quickly as you got used to it. Eventually people get to a level they can maintain (such as 5s through 8s with an occasional 10) and it starts to feel like a disappointment. AND IF YOU USED THE 10S TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR LIFE YOU WILL SUDDENLY FEEL DISCONTENT AND FEEL YOUR PARTNER IS TO BLAME. SHE'S NOT. You have to be happy on your own, and take what you get as a bonus.

-ONLY YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT CARDS YOU PLAY. It doesn't matter if she plays 10s or 1s. *YOU* decide each day what type of person you are, how you want to respond. It's YOUR choice, not hers. She can play a 3 and you can STILL CHOOSE to respond with a 10.

CONCLUSION-

So, the funny part about all of this is that SHE FEELS THE SAME WAY. She thinks you didn't play the cards she needed to feel happy. She excuses all of her poor behavior as the "natural" reaction to being treated so poorly from you. She thinks what you did is far worse. This extends all the way to the "cheating". In her mind she would've never cheated had you not emotionally abused her for years, and it was only because of your actions that she was forced to take refuge in someone else to preserve herself. Then she remembered what a 10 felt like and decided that you were just an Ahole that played 1s-3s, and she can't have that in her life, and she found someone that plays 10s, so see ya later.

Now you're not playing the game anymore. There's no more interaction. SO YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH THE DIFFICULTY OF BEING DISAPPOINTED OR RESENTFUL. You start to find it easier to act like a fine and upstanding citizen. This further proves to you that it must've been her driving you crazy. WRONG. It's easier to conduct yourself well on your own. You're not better! If you were in a relationship again tomorrow you'd be back on the downward spiral again, and you'd be dropping 2's and A's on people in a controlling way until they left you as well. Why? Because you haven't learned another way yet!

For you to judge her on the cards she was playing and excuse your cards because they were the only possible reaction is not going to get you anywhere.

Step one is acknowledging the truths above, taking ownership for your behavior REGARDLESS of the context, and deciding what type of man you want to be. Step two is forgiving her for the cards she's played because now you see how she's done nothing you haven't also done. Step three is learning how to take responsibility for your own happiness so you don't resent your future partner for not being able to chemically maintain euphoria in your life. And step four is learning coping mechanisms so that you are able to maintain responses between 5-10 even when you feel hurt, threatened, or rejected.

When you reach that point where you can be truly ok without a woman's love to make you feel ok, then you can be free to choose to respond lovingly much more often. Oh, and that cheater that just dumped you? Maybe if you had the strength before to treat her differently she would've responded differently. That's the whole DB/DR idea- control your half of the dance and you'd be surprised at what you see in exchange. Of course, it will never be all 10s, that's why you have to grow a bit first. And if you do, people will take notice and you'll be ready for a truly successful M. Who knows...maybe she'll even notice...maybe she'll learn these things on her own after her fling dies down...you can't control that, but if YOU can't learn it how can you expect her to? I say lead by example and act with the character you wish she was utilizing. Maybe if you become the spiritual leader and walk this path she'll notice, and maybe follow suit. If not, you'll know you did your best to save the M, and more importantly you'll need an M to make you happy LESS, and be prepared to have a happy M MORE.


I understand why you might not have been at your best. The past is gone. My question is what you are going to do now.

Have you seen enough to commit to a course of action based on values and beliefs, or are you going to continue to do whatever you feel up to at the time and hope it just works out for you?

Acting with character and belief won't get you what you want, we can't control that. But it can't hurt, and it is a reward in and of itself.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
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Originally Posted By: cskone
I'll take a look at your posts. She did mention at some point after meeting with our mutual married friend with kids that, "it was a really tough reminder of the life I thought I wanted."


You'll have to take a long, hard look at who your W was and is ... and, more importantly, take a long, hard look at who you are, what you want out of life, and what you are willing to work with, what you are willing to walk away from.

Easier said than done. This is such a painful place to be, we swim in a sea of thoughts and emotions for days, weeks, months. But that's where mutual support in this forum comes in. Even though each of us have our problems and are confused about our own problems, it's easier to have clarity about other people's problems.

Hang in there. One day at a time. Don't rush. Find yourself, while in this terrible mess.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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