Andrew, I remember when some of these same people challenged me. Man, did I get upset. I remember thinking..they dont know me. How dare they say what they did? I gave them excuses of every kind. I dug in, hands on my hips, feet planted. I even cried some. I left for awhile. Did it all. Boy, I was gonna show them.
And then it hit me... between the eyes. If I continued to put my head in the sand, if I continued to wear blinders..then I was losing out.
It was hard. Really hard. I had blamed myself for everything and tried to convince them I deserved it. I thank God everyday that they didnt let up. They wouldnt quit on me.
The things I had to look at were deep inside me. Stuff I hadnt wanted to see. I figured if I could just keep my head down, and keep doing what I always did, I would be ok.
But it doesnt work that way. Not in the long run. I owe who I became to them, to my therapist, and to me..for not giving up.
If they are pushing you, it's because they see the potential. They see someone who can get to where he needs to be. I promise you, if you do the work, if you stick it out and allow yourself to really hear what they are saying..you will be forever changed.
Will it succk sometimes? Ayep. Will you want to quit? Yep. But, man, if you can see what they are trying to get you to see...is it ever worth it.
Up to you, though...always. I just hate to see you not get this. Not to save your marriage. That is a bonus if it happens. But because this is a life changing experience.
Take the chance, A. Just do it. Get out of your own head and listen with a beginners mind. Dont react to what they are saying. Take it in. Sit with it. I used to read back out loud what I wrote and what they wrote. It takes on a whole new meaning. Give it a try.
I'm still here, reading along every day... hoping that one of the posts will trigger the light bulb to go off for you, Andrew.
I was in your shoes once, several years ago. On a different site. People stopped posting to me because I wouldn't listen to what they were saying. I was defensive. My story was "different". They can't possibly know. ha. Eventually, I got it. They were all right. And they were all there to support me when I needed it.
It takes time. We all want to help you get there faster, but it simply takes time.
Have you thought about what I asked you before? About the little negative comments you've made about your wife every so often... just wondered.
I do honestly disagree with much of what you've said that you believe to be part of my character but don't have the energy to dig into it and go over and over things that have been discussed before.
A friend of mine told me here a long time ago: If something stings, maybe you should take a closer look at it.
Oh, by the way, it was J3B.
Yes - and Drew - it stung you to be called a Troll. Think about that please.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm still here, reading along every day... hoping that one of the posts will trigger the light bulb to go off for you, Andrew.
I was in your shoes once, several years ago. On a different site. People stopped posting to me because I wouldn't listen to what they were saying. I was defensive. My story was "different". They can't possibly know. ha. Eventually, I got it. They were all right. And they were all there to support me when I needed it.
It takes time. We all want to help you get there faster, but it simply takes time.
Have you thought about what I asked you before? About the little negative comments you've made about your wife every so often... just wondered.
dream - thank you for the visit. I hope you have noticed that since you made that comment that I have been more mindful of how I referred to my W and believe that my comments about her have been almost universally positive.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Just before this thread closes I do want to indeed thank the people who were here yesterday trying to help me.
I would like you though to think about how it looked from this side of the screen, keeping in mind that on this side of the screen is a fragile man who doubts himself constantly who comes here as a place of refuge and support.
Have you ever been bullied or in a school-yard fight? I have. I've been surrounded by hordes of children yelling Fight Fight Fight while being pushed around by a bully, being mocked and having my face ground into the dirt.
That is how I felt yesterday. So - I flailed around trying to defend myself on all sides, perhaps not listening to those who were in the circle that weren't yelling "Fight". I do hope that most of you found me respectful even when I disagreed with you. Please, we're all adults here. We should be able to disagree with each other and respect each other's opinion.
I know that you all believed that you were trying to help and make me see things about myself that you felt that I wasn't seeing (and perhaps wasn't). On my side all I could see was the circle of people who were trying to force me to adopt their point of view and not appearing to listen to what I had to say.
Perhaps you found me "controlling" in that discussion and then extended that into my MR and how I related to my W. What I saw was how one comment and one line of enquiry got extended into a persistent attack that I felt was blown all out of proportion. When I begged people to stop they didn't. Could I have walked away at that time? Should I have? I don't back down easily. Is that a character flaw? Is that a character strength? It depends perhaps on your point of view.
I know that some of you want to re-open that discussion and continue to press me to see your point of view. I hope you don't feel like I'm being controlling when I beg of you, please, not right now. Yesterday exhausted me.
Following this exchange I did indeed leave the office and go and weep with exhaustion, frustration and anger. Feeling accused of being solely responsible for the destruction of my MR, my W's A, and having comparisons made between me and OM did no good to my confidence and self-esteem. Perhaps you feel you are not here to assist me with those things. Perhaps you feel that you are here to "instruct" and "direct". Yesterday that felt like bullying.
I stand up to bullies. I don't tend to back down. But I do also walk away from some fights. There are some fights not worth winning. The fight for my own soul, the fight for my W, the fight for my family are not ones that I will walk away from. That's why I've come back. To try for a fresh start on the dialogue. To try to continue to heal and to grow.
It's not controlling to ask you though to please, even though these words my look like they are coming from a strong person who is pig-headed and failing to hear what you are saying, these are indeed written by a scared and fragile human being who often feels overwhelmed and to ask you to keep that in mind when you are swinging that 2X4.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
