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job #2706646 09/26/16 04:12 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 334
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Jer2911 Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 334
Thanks Job!

Had an IC today that was very helpful... As I mentioned in a previous update, recently split with a GF I was involved with over the past 9 months. The short version is that we are both just in different places in life and want/need different things. There is more to it than that, but this breakup is also helping me realize that I just need/want a whole lot more time alone.

My therapist assured me that it is perfectly okay to just want to be alone and not be in a R with anyone right now. I knew that going in to the IC session, but have been wracked with guilt because I am ending something with someone I love very much -- I just can't give her what she needs. I just wish this wasn't hurting her as much as it is.

To be clear -- I was not looking to date anyone when she and I started seeing each other. We've know each other for over 20 years as friends. The reconnection/dating happened because of our history together.

I now realize that it started during a time when I was still trying to figure out who I was after the D and trying to settle into my new reality as a single mom trying to co-parent with an MLC exW. I now know that I need to be alone for a while to continue sorting through a bunch of stuff inside of myself, to do some soul-searching, to focus on parenting/co-parenting, and to just have the much needed solo downtime to recharge on my weeks without the kids.

Of course, because I got myself into this by allowing the dating situation and the R to develop, and because I am mainly the one calling it off (although she has been hinting at the need to end things for well over a month -- she just never did it and now I'm the bad person who ended it), I now have to deal with the messy consequences. Yes, I should have listened to the vets here on the issue of dating... lesson learned the hard way.

In happier news -- there is also the upcoming solo vacation that I am SO excited about. I can't wait... It's to a place I have always wanted to visit and it will give me plenty of time outdoors where I can be "one" with nature.

As for my exW... still spinning in orbit I believe. I am beginning to see some different dynamics with her and OW, so I don't know if there is trouble in fantasy land or what is going on. But something is different or shifting with the two of them.

As for the interactions between exW and myself, they have been very friendly over the past several months but lately she seems to be cycling more. One day she's friendly and the next day I almost expect "monster" to return. But I haven't seen "monster" in about 8 months and then it was only very briefly over a small incident with a family member. But the cycling I am seeing now also makes me wonder what is going on at the other house.

It really doesn't matter much if there is -- exW is still deep in the middle of the tunnel. My primary concern if there is some trouble brewing between exW and OW is for the kids, which is another reason for me to focus on being the best parent I can be for them right now.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
job #2706671 09/26/16 08:29 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 334
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Jer2911 Offline OP
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Posts: 334
Those moments when it really hurts...

At soccer game when D6 comes to sit on my lap (with exW and OW sitting not far away and when it's exW's week) and says "I miss when you and mommy lived together in the same house..." Because I have no words... I miss that too... And of course the kids miss it because life was good and until the last few months of that life, life was really good and the house was filled with happiness and love for so many years... Before the MLC storm hit and disrupted everything...

I say to her "I know. But everything is going to be okay." And I truly believe that... But inside I think "Yes baby, I miss that too."


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 334
J
Jer2911 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 334
It has now been two years since bomb drop...

ExW seems to still be in replay. I have noticed recently though that she tends to be more open and friendly around me when no one else is around, but very standoff-ish when OW is around and this is a very new change in behavior. They met just over two years ago and this week marks the anniversary two years ago when they declared their growing love for one another (via a very long distance online EA) -- which I discovered immediately which resulted in BD for me.

Sometimes she also seems to be back to emotional cycling -- up, down, all over the place... I recognize this behavior in her and know what it is so when I see it I do my best to steer clear and not interact with her unless absolutely necessary.

What I do feel really wonderful about is that this time last year (one year anniversary of BD) I had a significant anxiety attack for a few days. This week -- nothing... AND I am no longer on any meds so to not feel the anxiety now is even more significant.

My recent solo vacation was absolutely amazing... it was so nice to get away for a few days, be alone, and see a part of the country that I have always wanted to visit. I have been needing something like this for two years and I am so glad I finally did it. I did a lot of reading, praying, and lots of walking alone in nature... so perfect.

I also came home from the trip understanding that I do still feel some anger and pain, but I am feeling stronger and more confident that I have the tools and support I need to continue growing through all of this. I do wish that I hadn't gotten involved with my friend because I know that relationship slowed down the process I am going through, but that is just another lesson learned the hard way in all of this.

My time with the kids has been much more enjoyable over the past month now that it's just me and them on my weeks. We have been dealing with some behavior issues with two of the kids, but these issues are also giving my ExW and I the opportunity to work on our communication and cooperation skills with each other -- and in that I have also been able to observe that my ExW is still resistant to accepting responsibility for anything she does and is resistant to anything that might force her to be introspective. (Another clue to me that we are a long way from the end of this crisis.) I do feel like my efforts to deal with the behavior issues are giving me the opportunity to strengthen my relationship with my kids which feels incredibly wonderful. I know this situation hurts them and will always affect them, but if I can build and maintain a strong relationship with each of them then I hope I can lessen the impact at least a little bit.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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