I do not know too much about your history with mr. Fantastic, but if he's like all the spouses here, it's not about you.
Anyway, I have been lurking on a dating site and I read the profile of a divorced man saying that he still has a good relationship with his ex wife because she is the mother of his children and because she is a good person and he will always care about her and that there is no drama they just couldn't make it work.
This bothered me tremendously. They had kids, and made a commitment and they couldn't make it work despite no major drama???? His profile indicated (to me anyway) a man that was not capable of doing real work to keep his commitment. I could understand divorcing so eone that cheated or had substance abuse issues and abandoned you, but his profile revealed to me that this guy can't handle real work.
I guess I would want to know, why did they divorce in the first place? What does commitment mean to him? This might be important because kids get attached easily.
They don't have kids. He does just like her and care about her. He is also very, very attached to his past, and she's a big chunk of some of his favorite parts.
My Guy has been amazing. He helps with the kids, and would help more if I asked more. He comes to a lot of their stuff (karate belt tests and band concerts) which can't be fun for a non-parent. He helps me all the time, and would help me more if I invited him to. He has been patient and helpful and insightful as i try to navigate my new career, which has been unspeakably stressful and challenging. I know he'd rather I do something else, but he's supportive anyway. I appreciate him so much.
This kind of jumped out at me. You've found a man who is loyal, kind and has the ability to deeply attach. He obviously gets great satisfaction out of helping others. He treats you as well as he treats his ex. His heart is big enough to hold everyone he cares about. All of these things are really wonderful character traits.
Although I understand how you feel, I wonder if you would want him to be any different? Would he be happy if you restricted him? Could it damage the R?
I'm struggling with these questions myself. I'm in a R with someone who is very attached to his past emotionally, also very caring and giving and never withholding, and he just mentioned that he wanted to reach out to his latest ex to see how she is doing. It was triggered by the passing of another friend he hadn't seen in a while. I told him it made me uncomfortable. It was a short R and he says they broke it off because they were just not a good fit, so I have nothing to worry about. I told him he is of course free to do what he wants. And I know that it's my insecurity I'm dealing with. Convention also supports me, I'm sure, but should I hide behind that? When I know that it would make him feel better to hear that everything is good with his ex?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Last edited by job; 06/08/1704:24 AM. Reason: Added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
