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Hang in there Coly. I made myself get out and do yard work after my W moved her stuff out today. It really takes your mind off of things to keep busy. It's hard but keep pushing on and keep posting. I know it helps me to post and read what we all are going through.


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

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Hi Coly,

I have read many of your posts to others and have seen some of the convos here and have wanted to share with you, but you have been in good hands with several others so I have silently observed.
I notices your recent postings about the water works and it reminded me of a dear friend that I have here in the community as well as another DBer that i pop in to see occasionally.
I will try and send them in to assist as they are both wonderful people that have gone through it. Actually they are still going through it but have implemented consistently the advice that Blu gave you as well as some pointer that I will provide you.

Quote:
I think LBS spend a lot of energy demonizing waywards and talking about their fog because it somehow makes it easier to accept the behavior. In reality, we don't know their emotional process and so we must simply accept their actions for what they are. I think the most critical step towards detachment is focusing on yourself, stop the mind reading, stop the rumination, and stop the finger pointing. This is only possible if we fill our lives with healthy Rs and positive activities!

One step and one day at a time. Things will get better and fall into place as they should in time. Believing that got me through some very hard days.

-Blu

Please print this or put it somewhere you can read daily.
It is that simple.
I did not say easy.
Just simple.



Quote:
Talking - I been doing a lot of that lately with friends and family but I do need to arrange for some counselling

Be cautious in talking to family and friends.
At least keep the circle small when you do.
This can add to more pain as they just want to see you out of it.
Also, if reconciliation is in the cards, it makes the challenge bigger.
An IC is a great option.
When will you arrange this?

Quote:
Going to the gym - when my anxiety is really high I just want to cry so going to any public places is not ideal. Also my heart rate increases so much I fear I might have a heart attack if I do anything strenuous!

Then go outside and walk or jog.
Do strength type training somewhere private if needed.
I work out at home and run my neighbor hood.
Exercise is a good step.
Don't make any excuses as there are many ways to do it.

The anxiety attacks will make one feel like they are going to die.
The fact is that they are physically harmless on their own.
If you think that you may have a heart condition, please see an MD and have that looked at.

When I saw my MD, he actually was worried about my heart.
It was because it was beating too slow.
Weird!
When I had my anxiety attacks, I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my chest.
I am a runner.
After walking me around the halls and checking my rate again, he said the he was amazed at how strong my heart was and chalked it up to being an athletic heart.

So get checked out if what you write about making your fear working out.
Trust me, getting professional help will calm many other things that are adding to your anxiety.

Quote:
Reading - no reason why I can't do that just finding it difficult to concentrate

Continue to read and force concentration.
The mind can only focus on one thing at a time.
You just have to stick to it.
Find things that you would be engaged in if reading is not your thing.
I like music
I love watching Ted Talks
They work as well as reading.
But don't make any excuses and engage yourself in the learning activities that will help you through this.

Quote:
Sorry it's not a very big list. I'm finding it really hard to do anything at the moment because I just want to cry all the time. Most days I rush home from work because I have had to hold everything in for 8 hours....


Your challenge is the same as someone that is over weight and out of shape.
The pain of doing something that will help you is outweighed by the pain that will be alleviated by doing it.
This is mental therapy.
Same as physical therapy.
Hurts like heck while your doing it, but the outcome is worth it.
You heal.
Fail to do the work.
The injury gets worse.
So it is all a mental decision and simply taking action that is the solution.

I too had some crying issues.
It was weird and devastating.
As a man that was raised not to cry.
As a father that did not permit much crying except when physical hurt.
It was surreal.


But all that you are being advised to do is the simple answer.
Not the easy answer
The simple answer.

Quote:
I don't understand how to enjoy myself if I feel like this all the time...

The beauty of this statement Coly, is that you don't have to understand...
You just have to trust those that have gone through this already.
Trust me, there are those that pulled up their bootstraps and got through it in several weeks.
There are some that took months.
Some years.
The time it takes is not an exact science.
But the principles that one must follow to get through this are.

So here are some steps that you will want to take.
Do them daily until it is habit.

1. Daily physical exercise.
Walking counts.
What will you do?

2. Daily emotional and mental exercise.
Reading material about emotional health
read about anxiety.
Watching the same type of material
Meditation
See an IC
Journaling- Be sure to include the positives of things.
What will you do?

4. ruminating.
This is homework from me if you agree to do it.
Look up Guy Winch and his Ted Talk about Emotional First Aid.
Share with us what you learn.

With the rumination goes the focus on what you allow your brain and mind to think.
I challenge you to discontinue posting what you think the WH is thinking, doing, or what it all means because he is a WH.

As Blu so eloquently points out, this is a waste of time and adding to your pain.
It is the equivalent of scratching and clawing at an open wound and then pouring salt and dirt into it.

I caution that you continue to write and post everything that is negative about your sitch.
Writing further imbeds what you are thinking and starts to mix with emotion and then becomes your reality.
This is where the power is for you to take back the confidence that you once had and need to move forward.
You can do this.

5. Heed the advice of Surfer, Blu and any other DBer that is on the other side of your current challenge. Read their story as well. Learn from it. You do not have to figure it all out on your own.

Assemble your team or tribe or whatever you want to call it of folks that will be honest with you, support you, but call you out on the things that may seem fine in the moment but will cause longer term issues for you.

I am pulling for you.
I support you and I apologize if my 2X4 is a little more heavy than my dear friend Blu's were.
But it is time to snap out of the frozen state you sound to be in, and find your way forward out of the LBS fog by taking action.
You have people counting on you and supporting you.
You can do this.
As I part, try and ponder on this great passage form a great book.

“A man's mind may be likened to a garden, which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild; but whether cultivated or neglected, it must, and will, bring forth. If no useful seeds are put into it, then an abundance of useless weed seeds will fall therein, and will continue to produce their kind.” James Allen


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Quote:
Blu, the fact that I am feeling such anxiety must mean that, in my heart, I don't think that this family time is right. I did speak with my D about it and you are right it is causing her anxiety as well as she sees H doing what I asked him to do and all she sees is me getting stressed about the way he asked.


What will you do then?

Quote:
His not contacting me directly is getting on my nerves. It's sending a clear message that I am not important anymore. How can he just cut me off in that way but still want to come over for family time, that's what I dont get.


Read Blu's message again. She explains exactly what it is that you should get.

Quote:
I need to remove the rod from my back which i put there. If I need to draw a line in the sand then I need to have an R talk with him and that is stressing me out because I know I am not supposed to do that. Blu, you said you did have talks like this with your H in the past and it made him think. How did you eventually draw that line in the sand?


Why is an R talk needed to set boundaries?
My understanding of your sitch would indicate that R talks are not a good option.
Boundary setting does appear to be a needed thing for you.


Quote:
Cherry, I think we both needed that foam 2x4!

Be sure to heed the thoughts. Blu has walked through the valley of death and come out the other side.
She is a wise gal.
No more chatting about the LBH fog and why they are thinking and time to focus on you lovely ladies and your progress forward. wink


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Thanks Surfer, Cherry, Hawker, SH. Your words of encouragement are very much needed and appreciated at thus time. This weekend I feel I have definitely gone backwards.

SH, your post has given me a lot to think about. I am going to re-read it several times before I come back to you, but thank you so much for looking out for me....


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Please start a new thread.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Dear Coly, I'm just catching up on your situation and will post once you start a new thread.

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. We're all here for you and have experienced the same feelings.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Coly, I just rad your threads, and I would like to post, but I don't want to get caught at the end of this thread. I'll be back when you get a new one started.

For now, though, I just want to tell you one major thing that helped me so much. Iv'e takes about it with SH and others, but this tis the single biggest thing that I started to do that helped me.

Recognize that you are grieving. You are grieving the loss of your marriage, and I honestly think that this is one of the most complicated types of grief. Unlike the loss of a spouse, you have the added pain of rejection, and self-recrimination. You are grieving the loss of your ideas of the future, your dear friend, your dreams, your ideas of what your family looks like, the easy comfort of a long-time companion, and much, much more.

Grieving is a process, and one that you must go through in order to reach the other side. First, you need to acknowledge how you are feeling. There is no order to these feelings. You may be angry, then sad, then optimistic, then back to the human water fountain, and you can whip saw rapidly back and forth between those emotions. They are all normal and part of your own individual process. Know that whatever you are feeling is perfectly normal and let yourself feel it. If you fight t5he emotions, they only grow until the consume you. Feel them, let yourself cry or whatever, and let them pass through you.

More later, lovely.

I have to run to another of my out-of-control GAL activities! : )


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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sorry about the typos. smile


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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