Taking the unlurking plunge finally.

[Altair]

Thanks you two, coly and doodler.
Again, today, this am and pm, gchatting. about nothing, but i guess it's good?

[Altair]

Hi, journaling.
Been poking my head over at MLC. Seems how months have gone by, no R talk, no nothing, and he told me outright unprompted he feels like he's in a MLC, I might venture over there.

I've accepted I'm in for a potentially long haul. For now, anyway, I am okay with this. I've read so many journeys of years+ and I have a lot to think about and process.I still think of H way too much and wonder where he is/what he is doing. One thing that I think is a plus is that there is no FB, no shared any technology, so I really have no way of knowing, way of snooping. If I could, I would snoop or FB to see what he was up to. But I cannot, so ignorance is bliss, I think. I hope.
I'm adjusting to living alone. Baby steps. Sometimes I leave the place a mess sometimes I thoroughly clean. Sometimes I cook, othertimes I say screw it and get McDonalds which, yes, is self destructive and disgusting. I've lost 16 lbs, on my 5'1 frame I'm now at 107. Not that I was heavy, but now I'm pretty thin, in a shouldn't-lose-any-more way. Exercising a lot, aerobics, running. Starting to venture out more, making some new friends, new co-worker friends. Dbing. I still have so much work to do on self. I'm happy that IC is generally not diametrically opposed to DBC. I was worried about that, but IC is not pushing for deadlines or anything. So she's a keeper. I'm still an emotional mess and waiting for the next shoe to drop but am gaining strength for it. Also made plans for the holidays, with friends, am excited and relieved-- that's coming up fast and would have all been with H family. I feel at least structure and plan-wise, I am okay until January. Every day gets a tiny bit better. I'm glad I found this place and the people and their journeys they have shared with me. I am grateful for this.

[Pax_luv]

Happy Saturday Altair,
Thanks for stopping by my thread and for your gracious words. I've just read through your situation and I think you are doing well. I don't see you flapping around like a fish out of water, which I think most of us do when we find ourselves here. At least I can tell you that's how I felt the first few months!!! Your sitch is still very new and right off the bat, you seem as good as possible given the circumstances!

I'm glad you have a good IC and that you have something to look forward to for the holidays! They will be here before we know it.

[Altair]

Hi Feyth, thanks for stopping by.
I am not as put-together as I seem! I did cry today, in the car, (isn't that when it happens?) just thinking wow, its been three months of S, and zero R talk. Not come up once. I cried because I'm thinking, oh my g*d, how is this playing out like this? (among other questions in my head).
This is my current life:
He picked me up from the airport. He proceeded to complain about his job most of the way. Dropped me, hugged me, texted later that he was sorry he complained. Told me he is so busy with work he's on the computer all the time and has no life and I should invite him to take a walk because otherwise he won't get exercise.
That's enough to make me cry. Who is that person? On every level who is that person??? Is this cruel temp checking? or just mlc/depression fog? I guess it's just a lost, severely depressed person. I cry, I think, because there's nothing even to say to him.

[Altair]

Advice, please!
I asked H about taking out money from the joint savings to cover a bill, one that I need reimbursement from which is taking awhile. We both have our separate accounts but I can't cover this bill yet. Well our talk went to other places, it came out that he doesn't want to pay alimony if we D, and wants that in some sort of separation agreement.
I've been clear, and reiterated, that alimony is out of the question. We make varying amounts, have agreed to split assets fairly, but I cannot legally guarantee this (I think) aside from a formal S or D.
Then it went into why he is so afraid of alimony. "Because it might change if i change jobs and then i'll have to go back to court" (Mind you-- i usually make more money than him, and will in the future) I'm like, wha?
he's got this alimony fear. His friends said to divorce and remarry (with a prenup). We have the same assets!! I will make more than him!
It's a fear I guess from his parents divorce?
So, he wants a legal agreement pre-D or D about waiving alimony. He also wants the chance we might work things out.
What do i do? I am so insulted, and freaked out about this new development. Of course, this is what happens when there's no R talk for months and months I guess.

[Coly23]

Hey Altair, that was a big convo!

So just to clarify, in one conversation he has told you that:

- He doesn't want to pay you alimony;
- He wants a separation agreement;
- He wants a divorce ;
- He wants to re-marry you with a prenup;
- He wants the chance to work things out.

Seems a little confused to me! Usually it would be the 'I'm sorry you feel that way but D isn't what I want' speech but I'm not sure how that will help in this situation. I just want to shout at him and say if you want to work things out why do you need any agreement about alimony in the first place! Also, this is my cynical side coming out, does he really want to work things out or will he go for D as soon as you sign any agreements about alimony?

Can you maybe turn this back on him and say something like 'I understand you are worried about money but you also say you want to have the chance to work things out. Let's see how that goes before making any legal decisions'.

I don't know Altair, i think I am out of my depth here so 'calling all vets'!

[Altair]

Coly,
You nailed the assessment.
His fears are founded in his past I think, they aren't our current situation. There aren't really any money issues. He wants ME to do everything ( decide, get lawyer or not, draw up papers or not, get MC appt or not). That's the takeaway: he's depressed, I should do all of this (or none?) He won't do a thing. Can not decide, needs more time. (but, sly dig about alimony, but has backed off)

[Coly23]

Don't do a thing Altair. If he wants to work things out then there is no need for a separation agreement but if he wants anything like a legal agreement then let him do it.

I don't know if maybe you dhould back away a bit now. If he really wants a chance to work in things then he needs to show you in his actions.

[Altair]

Thanks Coly.
Backing away...