In the months leading up to BD I had so much anger and resentment against H ... It poisoned our relationship and it poisoned me. I worked on it in therapy - I work with a depth hypnosis practitioner in the Bay area who is amazing. I've known her for 20 years. She pointed out that the anger and resentment were causing more harm. There was a lot of prayer and meditation involved. I dug deep into the anger and resentment and kept going deeper and deeper until i realized that under it all was this wellspring of love that hadn't diminished. Then I think I made a conscious decision to choose the love rather than the anger and resentment. I remember feeling like a burden had been lifted off of me when i let it go ... doesn't mean I haven't been angry with him since but it goes as fast as it comes and there's a deep vein of compassion that I readily tap into that's replaced the festering anger and resentment. M there is freedom in this, believe me. It's a conscious decision aided by prayer and meditation. That's been my experience anyway. Actually, I think part of the reason this is so painful for me is that I still love my husband dearly. I know his rage is a terrible burden and it hurts me to know that he chooses that instead of the love I know he still feels for me.
But, it's his battle to fight, not mine. Hope this helps xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Also, M at the time I was doing a lot of spiritual heart work, with shamanic journeying, meditations, mantras, herbs, flower essences and aromatherapy which helped a lot. The thing is we can only meet people where they are. This is especially true of a person in MLC, right? I remind myself that stbxh's MLC is a sickness, and I try not to add to it. I try to bring as much compassion in as I can... and sometimes when my buttons are pushed and I blow up it's hard to be compassionate. Those are the moments when I stop myself and say ok, this isn't going to help anyone, least of all our son ... and usually, we both stop and take a deep breathe and continue in a more reasonable manner.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I hope that everything goes well for Christmas Day. Hopefully w/his father there, he'll act like an adult and be respectful of you and keep his focus on his son.
Last edited by job; 12/22/1607:30 AM. Reason: Added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know your thread is about to close out ... reading your post about how you did not deal with that anger brought back some memories with me.
I did the exact same thing. When she had that touch and go/brief moment of clarity where I seen a few signs of the old her and we got back together I had thought I dealt with all the anger/issues .... turns out like you I simply boxed em up and put them up on the shelf. The triggers would pop up and I felt cheated ... not so much with the affair and things she said and did ... but more because its like there was a mountain of unspoken things that she did not want to even acknowledge let alone address. This ate at me and was about the time the "Forgiveness" topic went a little wild on my thread.
Do we need someone to ask for forgiveness to forgive them? Can we forgive them though they do not seek it nor do they maybe even deserve it.
Thing is in my case and in yours .... I am not sure they even know at this point the damage they have done, they can not even handle their own chit let alone any of ours ... they are not capable at this point to help heal the hurt they caused.
I think I read that book ... if it was not that one it was 53 others like it, and yeah the international message in all is we forgive for our sake and not theirs. I am still not there yet. ... I am not angry about it but I do think its because I placed all that stuff back in the box and its in storage .. lost and not thought about for now, I may never have to open that box ... or one day I will have to deal with it again who knows.
I think a good number of us want the MLCr to come to us on knees and beg for forgiveness, just does not seem to work that way, they wake very slowly and forget much of what they did. Its like they know they messed up but struggle with where to begin. M I think in time he will come around but I am not sure we ever get that full blown apology.
