Has your wife been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) by a professional? The diagnosis is difficult to make. But if she has BPD, there might not be a whole lot you can do....
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Talked to w a little bit. Shes having issues with our home which i offered to help with. She says shes fine on her own and needs help from nobody and its not my problem. Says with divorce she wohld at least get govt assistance. I said i understand but ogher options like baby steps in friendship and marriage n finances if she so chooses to which she said. We can still do thst even if we get divorced. Says wants to put herself first for once. I said tgats fine and i would leave her alone asode from matters that pertain to kids or anything importanf. Yet she keeps talking to me about random stuff. Mixed signals very much
I mean i guess staying sober is my first step. After that im not sure what to do.
sad87,As an interruption to these other discussions... I want to reach out to you and say - please understand I mean no disrespect or trespass whatsoever - sobriety is ABSOLUTELY not just your first step, but your only step. Every single day you wake up and breathe air this is your only step. I only know what people say here, not what thy really do. I have not read much talk about chemical abuse on this site, but I came here with an honest heart looking for help and so have you it seems. I have no shame in owning my addiction...you do not appear to either.
I am going to be honest w/you and completely. Part of my being here involved my addiction to painkillers (and alcohol abuse as self prescribed therapy to kick them) . My addiction(s) did not excuse my WW's choice to have an A, then S, then become a WW, that was her choice - it's hard not to judge that, but on a daily level I do my best not to. Her hurt and addiction is not that dissimilar from mine (see other posts for explanation) - the bottom line is I just want her back, but in a new way, I am a different man now. I will never abuse drugs again. She painfully and unknowingly gave me that gift of strength. It's called GAL here, i.e. Get a Life. Do anything positive to get away from the hurt. If you GAL, if you do what Cadet posted for you, if you read MWD's books, you will be better for you - that is the most important thing you can do. Not to show your W you have changed, not to show your children you have changed, but to have really and truly changed into a better human being for your own sake.
I hope everyday that I can hang on long enough to give back. It's why I come to this site everyday. I was not alone in what caused my marriage to bleed out, but I own the piece that I contributed to. I struggle with how long it will take to prove that. I struggle with owning my part in her A. I struggle with why she wants a D. Its daily man and it hurts. People here are hurting, those who aren't hurting are helping, there are those who blend the two.
Before I could start healing myself, I had to acknowledge the pain I dealt to WW and my S4. I had to kick and get sober. It is pain upon pain my friend. But if there is one thing her A did for me, it got me sober, and I am not going back, I am not going back. You don't either.
I did it, but the war is not done. Am I no longer a Narcotics addict? Nope, I am very much, but I stopped practicing. Six months by now. If I died tomorrow, I would want that on my stone. You have been sober two months - amen brother. Please believe me. Please, and I say this as a stranger over the internet in a place where you came for help...there is nothing you will be able to do for your family if you are not first and foremost dedicated to sobering your life. I have come to realize that as a truth. Again, my WW chose an A - that was devastating to my Family, but I laid down a road for her to travel. Its no joke. I have made no effort to hide it here. Two months is a big deal. You stay on track. No matter what happens to you, you stay on track. Come here and type all night. You want my phone number, ask. Call me, we can talk each other through it. Stay sober. It is a path to forgiveness, of yourself. You can forgive yourself.
I'm not sure if my post to you will be edited by a moderator or not, this is not a drug/alcohol help room. But man, I know one when I see one. You absolutely must take care of you. Take care of you. This is the most honest post I can offer. I wish you peace.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
CT1118 I appreciate your words of encouragement. I do my best each day to become better. Ive been staying sober. Its a struggle and times like im in now would cause me to drink. And drinking got me here. Its a cycle. I am breaking that cycle. I dont think its too late for me. I hope not to late for my w and kids. Thank u for understanding
Im pretty sure my w is way deep into GAL. So when i GAL. Wont that take us farther apart not doing anytging together?? Ive spoken to her. Sometimes its like were old friends. Sometimes im her worsr enemy. When i get a text from her idk if its gonna be something good and friendly or a bashing blaming me for stuff text and irrational spewing hatred. What do i do when she does that. I talk to coach next wk. Plz advise!!
My advice is to heal yourself, first. Do it independently from working to save the M. Both of you need to heal apart from each other, b/c both of you, apparently, have serious issues. When you both are healed, then you can work to heal the MR.
You are wanting to do all the things that actually is driving your W further away from you, b/c you are operating out of emotion. You are doing what you feel should work..........but it doesn't work. Your W is operating out of emotions, too. I suspect most of your MR has been based on emotions and the result of the emotional reactions. In other words, you have to stop doing what doesn't work.
You started by working on a hard dependecy, which is the drinking. Are you attending AA?
You have to break your dependency on your W. I would not be surprised if she was not co-dependent, too. She can't live with you, and she can't live without you!
You are begging for help, and people are wanting to help you. Some may be able to tell you what works or what doesn't work. Doing what is advised is completely left to you.
Do you want to know how to get your feelings to cooperate? Do the behavior, and eventually, the feelings will follow the behavior. You cannot allow your feelings to dictate your behavior.
Are you following the 37 Rules?
Your W's GAL should not affect you GAL. Neither of you are strong enough to have a healthy relationship..........not even much of a friendship at this point. Stop pursuing her. Leave her alone and let her experience life without you. Don't worry if she gets jealous or upset at you GAL. That is her trying to control what you do. Don't argue with her. Don't plead with her, or apologize for everything you do. This does not work.
Have you set personal goals that has nothing to do with your W or the M?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
-I am attending AA a minimum of once a week if not 2-3 times. -I talk to my wife on a regular basis as we have 3 children together, some days shes good some days bad. -I do my best to follow the 37 rules. Its very hard for me. -I have been seeing a counselor, and I am on anti-depressants. -I have a marriage coach that I have another call with next wk. -I have set up personal goals as follow: -Loose 15 lbs -Learn 5 new songs on guitar -Stay sober -Be a good father -Reconnect with friends I have lost since marriage
I am trying to GAL. Its difficult when I see my wife as much as I do. She really has been my only friend in 7 years we have been together. We kinda separated each other from everyone. I struggle because she has cheated on me once and I do not want that to happen anymore. I feel she tells me to move on because she wants too, I'm guessing right now as I'm not sure. It seems like neither one of us want the other to have a life or have fun. we both get upset when the other does, its been that way ever since weve been together. We have always thought the other would cheat. This is just a quick insight to what I'm dealing with. I will keep posting on here as it makes me feel better to let it out, if anyone has questions or input ill gladly talk about anything as this seems to be the best way and best place to try and resurrect our relationship before its too late.
Working on detachment. Gal. 180s. But whats getting to me is that sometimes w acts like were bffs and we still talk about things. Other times shes cold and rude and distant. This can fluctuate between days or minutrs. Ahe said she feels she married a fake ands since i drink no more we cant have fun cuz she says she likes to go out occasionally. I asked if sjes ready to lose me over that and cant love new me. She said shes not sure and having a hard time wit it. Directly after telling me this it was back to friendly convo about random stuff. Is this normal witj a waw. Or is this a dofferent form of something?
Hi Sad -- I'm new here, too, so take this with a grain of salt, but if you've determined that you're an alcoholic and are trying really hard to stay sober, and your wife points to that decision not as a really good development but instead as further proof that the two of you aren't meant to be together, I think that's a pretty big problem. It's honestly hard to get my mind around how self-centered/selfish that is. I find myself getting angered on your behalf.
What do you want out of your relationship? Can she ever possibly give it to you if your sobriety is in her mind just something that keeps her from having fun? I guess the point I'm backing into is that she's so far down her own navel and thinking only of herself at this point that it probably behooves you to pull back and really, really focus on just your Self. I have a really hard time doing this in my own sitch, so please don't see this as me preaching at you!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
