Just a Vanilla Change 31

[Cherry]

Love and prayers to you, ma and pa.

The description of the love story of your parents literally made my hormonal self cry, and I haven't cried in weeks.

Their love story is what I've always wished and prayed for. Your pa combing her hair really got me. That is true love, simple and beautiful. Big prayers to those lovely souls.

[SH_]

Sweet Lady V.

I have not the words to share as I read your latest news. Only that it did stir emotion in me.
I desired to reach out and share a hug. A hug with a person that has weathered so much in her life, and much more in her recent history.
The connection with parents, aging parents is a wonderful, bitter sweet relationship as time ticks on.
Father time becomes more visible, and our mortality becomes more tangible.
But as we are blessed to have the moments remaining that we have, to recognize the simple, yet powerful actions of our most dear role models.
You have frozen in time with your description a moment that is not from a story book, but from the perspective of a wonderful, loving daughter noticing the small acts of deep sincere love.
This invokes strong emotion inside of me, for which, I thank you for providing.

I pray for you and your parents, and all of your family that you may feel Gods love and know, that all will be well due to the love in your heart.

((((((((((Lady V))))))))))

[SunnyB]

V, what sweet words about your parents. This is exactly the kind of thing that I wanted, the very reason I picked out Mr. P to begin with, I thought that growing old together was the ultimate reason to marry him. How nice to see it in action for someone else. (((V)))

[Vanilla]

I am moving home to Surviving the Big D.

My time in Newcombers has come to an end. My life is more of the ordinary things and life events around a D, such as fins.

During my time here in Newcombers I decided to post to a Newcomber a week, someone whose story involved pain and distress. I could not cope with more. Some never responded, others moved on and some became part of my tribe. I will be posting as much as I can for those in seriously abusive situations, sadly I know a little of those and for those who are struggling with compulsion and addiction.

My stay in Newcombers has been a very long one- 2 years plus the 6 months I lurked. I move straight to Surviving the big D with no detours. Whilst xWH is lost in MLC, he has probably been there in denial for a very long time, longer than our R. He may have an undiagnosed personality disorder. His circus and his monkeys. I am not waiting or holding hope for R.

My M is done and whilst I am very sad and I still love xWH on some level. I recognise it's finished and I have made sure there is no way back. I expect at some stage the destructive force that is xWH will come back into my life looking to retarget me for resources. My mantra stands " I will not be abused" and that is in any way.

I am NC with xWH and have been so since 2 May 2015. It has helped although still he manages to trigger me.

The current activities include hacking, uploading inappropriate pictures to Facebook, smear campaigns, threatening to sue me, accusing me of theft, writing inappropriate letters to my L.

Living with a Russian Italian Tramp in Italy whilst pretending to be in the UK. A woman who trawls the expensive golf hotels of Europe looking for male companionship with money. (Short straw with xWH then, wonder if she has guessed yet?).

A man who is going to sue me for every penny he paid into our joint account for Bills because he thinks he paid too much.

Conspiring with an ex-client to defraud me. Setting me up with fake dating profiles in crazy parts of the world I have never been or ever expect to go to.

However I no longer live in fear and clever nephew is going to live with me here at the big house.

I am beginning to heal and this is my world. I am lonely sometimes and I prefer it to the destruction of xWH.

I like peace and prosperity in my life. I am a gentle empathetic soul. I was before xWH known as attractive and I lost that part of me. I am finding the scented powerful Vanilla instead of the plain Vanilla I was when I came here.

I have a long term respiratory condition I call fungus lung, my new part personality. 15 lbs of excess weight from steroids and I don't sleep very much. I trigger at the slightest thing and suffer from complex PTSD. My fins are in a mess. I no longer tread water though, I am swiming against the tide.

For all that this journey has been one of enormous learning and growth for me and as I arrive at the first staging post on my Everest I know I have begun this climb with enormously powerful allies.

So as I move forwards I would especially like to thank the following:

My loving bruv RD who has been so comforting and whose love story for his WW encouraged me to know that men are loving fathers and husbands. RD you were there for me on the darkest night of my life when even my IC said she could not cope with my trauma and I did not want to be in this world.

Sotto, who I seemed to follow around the board agreeing with her sage advice. I still do.

Dawn whose journey was far from smooth and who walked it with dignity and respect.

Jim, Gan, Susannah, Pyrite, MCS, Pigpen, Asitis, WhyUs all of who helped me through my darkest days in the last two years.

To Edz long gone who turned his sitch around with great humour and encouraged me to thread parties and to laughter.

My darling wonderful Greengrass who called my sitch abusive and stood by me through realisations about WH which damaged my self esteem. Greengrass you hold a very special place in my heart for your sheer sassy attitude and kick ass red heels.

For Mozza who is determined and who changed beyond all recognition.

Zues who is becoming whole in front of me and taught me white anger is enormously powerful.

My lovely Jellyb and her sweet sadness and power of authenticity.

For Mahhhty and his courage to love himself. Pink and her bravery to still love her MLC husband and wonderful warming posts.

For the true dads and powerful presence of Mutatio, Ghost, SH and HPoirot.

Most of all to Zelda, Ancaire, Mustardseed, Joe, Schermann and Rednail, whose support and understanding on abuse moved me to tears. These struggles would have been much harder without you. My journey much longer and the burdens so much heavier.

To the vets, Wonka, Cadet, Sandi and MrBond. All of whom have offered their 4x4 as needed.

To many others still contributing to my life Gmum, Pho, Uturn, Fogg and Zephyr. Know how much you to mean to me.

I move with a lightness of heart and my interaction with my tribe in Newcombers can continue for as long as you will have me. My current tribe I have not yet mentioned, you are walking along beside me here. The time will come when you grow into the new you, I am honoured and privileged to be a tiny part of your journey. There is more to come dear fellow travellers.

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I join old hands with loving experience in Surviving the Big D. Please visit me there, there is always space and time for friends old and new.

Know that when you give and have the courage to post here that which you feel and see and when you cease to have the stiff upper lip and let the emotions flow, accepting them and being authentic that help comes in ways you can not ever expect and you built connection to your higher power.
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So what key lessons have I learned in Newcombers?

You need a great L. Interview L. Cards close chest. Know your rights from day 1. Document, document, record, diarise etc, keep the paperwork on your fins. Keep everything safely. Don't expect your L to do it all for you, provide information in batches. Keep convo to a minimum. If your spouse is high conflict then don't mediate or MC. Respond to queries promptly. Your L isn't an IC or a friend.

I believe in INTEL when you have INTEL you are knowing. INTEL is not snooping, snoop is poop. Others can get INTEL for you if you need to avoid triggers. The courts want proof not hear say. Photos, recording transcripts, copies of texts, reports, emails and legal docs are vital. Use screen shots. Keep your own INTEL private, no FB, be still. Use technology if you need to. DB is not for sharing.

Post about all the stuff, hurts, fears and love. All of it. Ask first before you email, text or ring there is terrific advice here.

Don't treat a wayward like a loving partner. A walkaway is not a wayward.

Above all detatch, this is the single biggest change that made the difference to my emotional sitch. My health improved the day I chose to detach, (which is letting go of the outcome and is not unattaching or moving on).

You have the gift of time, truly you do

Believe yourself and use observer mode on the actions and words of your spouse, the crazier they are the more you need this

I will not be abused ever again and I atoned for my reactive abuser screaming banshee even to WH. 12 steps is important and fits nicely with DB.

The human body and mind is remarkable in its ability to heal

You can love with all your heart and it's fine to stand for the principles of M without wanting to R with your other half

OW and OM are irrelevant, they are beyond slime and scum. My XWH had at least 7 some of whom may have been PA. Protect yourself from these ravages, there will always be a new OP coming, they are like buses. Damaged people damage people. No comparisons, good or bad with OP or others. Your sitch is your sitch.

Loving family and friends are important and vital.

Get great IC and don't do MC with a wayward.

Find mindfulness, learn, learn, learn, read DR every month, laminate Sandi rules, listen to Ted Talks, attend courses and self help workshops. Connect with your higher power. Read the stories here and share. Comforting others is important, compassion for all.

Love yourself truly and deeply with all your flaws, you are ok, you are higher power.

Accept your part, atone and clean up your own side of the street. Play in your own sandbox, have your own circus and monkeys. Get your stuff together as best you can. Pick yourself up every day.

Find the funny side in it, truly there is one and there have been belly laughs on the way. One day this will be part of your story. No revenge or resentment please, reframe with dignified cynicism. If there are lies, gaslighting and smoke with mirrors, smile you found it so document it in case you need it.

It is ok not to forgive, let the higher power of your spouse do that in their time. The best for you is thriving. Let Karma have the rest.

Move forward when you can, stand when you must, and if you backtrack forgive.

Be self centred not selfish.

Extreme self care with your mental physical and emotional health. Give up the bad habits including drinking, tv, bad food and slobbing. Eat well, exercise, meet friends, get out of bed when you wake. GAL as much as you can. Be compassionate to yourself and others.

For me no dating until I am ready to be whole even if I am not yet there.

Have achievable goals for every day and others for longer term. Inching forward is fine

Live for today, for now, for in the meantime, it's perfectly ok.

Develop enough that you need never visit this space again, if your R repairs do that which works. It's fine if your R repairs and it's OK to let it go as it will.

If you have children they come first, last and everything.

Finally:

More than all of this, above everything, continue to love and project love. Yes even to your walkaway, wayward, MLCer and/or Abuser. Even know an OP is a damaged person and worthy of love, I love the OW in xWH life as they are great learning experiences. The current OW7 will save me lots of cash! Love yourself with a passion.

Over to Surviving the Big D, please post to me there.

V

[roist]

Best wishes and good luck

[Vanilla]

Surviving the big D

I am here please call in

V

[Vanilla]

Best wishes and good luck

Please visit me Roist, you are part of my tribe here.

V

[SH_]

My guardian angel!

^^^Bump^^^ for new arrivals to read as there is much wisdom in this story.