Hello, Sweet Homme. I am very sorry that it's taken me this long to read through your latest posts, though I did pop by a couple days ago to say hello. Maybe you missed me? As you know, my GAL has perhaps taken over my life, and I'm trying to find a better balance.
I have taken your advice for the last two days, though, and I have stayed home in my land of healing and peace, my farm that I love so much. It's been so nice to just get some things together here and not spend 2 hours every day driving. I'm commuting for most of my GAL activities! It's one of the downsides to rural life, but I wouldn't trade it. I'll commute gladly if it means I can live here.
I can completely relate to your introvert tendencies, and yet also to your ability and need to interact with others. I used to be so incredibly shy that I struggled to communicate in more than single words for most of the time I was in school. I never once asked a single question in class during my entire educational career, and that was over 21 years, from K through years 8 of college, and a lot of continuing educations since! It was only in my senior year of high school that I started to overcome my inhibitions a bit better. I am really good with other people one on one and I very much enjoy meeting and talking to new people. I can even now enjoy very small groups of people. My discomfort and feeling out-of-sorts grows directly proportional to the number of people present. Parties are a complete fail for me. A dinner get-together with 6 people last weekend was actually quite good (I only knew 3 of them at first), though I also relished my time alone afterward. Part of it is that I have a very quiet voice, and if there is a lot of background noise, I really struggle to be heard, and I just kind of shut down, instead. If someone asks me to talk louder, I just want to shut up, not speak up.
Anyway, I saw this on a t-shirt yesterday, and I thought it felt a lot like me, and I think you can relate as well.
"Introverts Unite! We're Here, We're Uncomfortable And We Want To Go Home."
Despite my shyness, even as a kid i was always at my most comfortable while meeting total strangers. On the other hand, I was, and still am, always least comfortable talking to someone I know only slightly, so I really struggled in high school because I knew most people, and only slightly. I'm good with clients, however, and very much enjoy interacting with good pet people. I have to work hard to get through the awkward stage to get to friendship, though. It'a s big commitment for me to make a new friend.
I think that we all have a lot of baggage from our childhood experiences that influence us strongly, even as adults. Your history of moving a lot certainly would change the way you invest in and interact with new people. I can see how it would make you feel as if it might not be in your best interest to invest heavily in a casual friendship because you learned that friendships were temporary.
I am very sorry to hear that there has been any lack of respect on these forums. I haven't seen it myself, but I tend to stick to my few regular friends here because I get so easily overwhelmed with the pain that the true newcomers are going through.
I do believe that we should call people on it when their behavior or words are disrespectful, both here and in the outside world, but especially here. This is supposed to be a place of refuge and support. The last thing any new LBS here needs is to feel worse about the choices they are making. We've all been there, and we all know that the harshest critic we all fight is ourselves. We've all made mistakes, and we've all done things that are anti-DB principles. We're all learning and trying to survive, and anyone that feels a need to hurt, or be disrespectful of, other people here is violating the trust in other people that everyone here needs to reestabish.
It is absolutely true, though, that you can't tell people what to do. What may be glaringly obvious to an objective outsider is often invisible to a person who is living through the situation and just not ready to see or hear what is being said. They absolutely have to come to their won conclusions and decide that they need to help themselves.
I have someone close to me that suffers from depression. I can think of so many things that I wish he could do to help himself, but until he is ready to reach out for the help he needs, there really isn't much I can do besides just be there and listen. It's very hard. It's part of the detachment lesson that we are all learning. You can care about someone, and you can wish them all the best, but you can't do the work for them and you can't let them drag you down with them. You have to find a balance.
SH, I am working very hard on myself, and please know that I am not looking to another person to mask my pain or fill the void in my life, and certainly not to save me. I look to myself for all of those things. L-friend and I have an interesting way of interacting, and I can talk to him in a way that I haven't been able to talk to many others, except here on this forum. I am learning a lot from and with him about how to communicate effectively, something that I wasn't able to do with WH.
I'm not looking for happily ever after with this person. I am just letting things unfold without any expectation beyond being kind and supportive of each other. I am constantly monitoring to maintain a healthy, yet caring level of detachment. In fact, he is the person I know who struggles with depression. It is hard to watch, but I am not in any way forming a codependent relationship with him. I read my meditations on codependency daily, just in case, so I can recognize and nip in the bud any burgeoning tendencies I may be showing, and catch him when he shows any towards me. He will need to sink or swim on his own, just as I do, and he gets as many 2x4s as I give you.
I am very glad to see you here and that you are getting some of the support you still need. I am still here for you , too, and am very grateful that you continue to be here for me, as well.
((((((((((Super Hero and Sweet Human))))))))))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Uh Oh, SH. Time for a new thread! I just wanted to say hello this evening and let you know I'm thinking of you and wishing you well.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
