Chapter 3. Let the detachment begin

[SH_]

I can carry all the costs on my own and she can walk off into the sunset. I would not chase her for a dime. That's why the $100 is not really an issue.

This sounds like you answered your own question.

I'm also wondering if it is a 180 on her part. Is she doing something to get a reaction from me? I know I can't believe in what she says but she is upset that since we separated and since she left this household is thriving. Projects are being completed, we are doing fun things, the house is clean and kinda tidy, and no one - D20, S15, S10 is complaining? No one is wishing mom was her to do...

This sounds kind of like mind reading and not really relevant to how you should be making decisions at this point.

So what do you do with a spoiled child or a WW - who is playing games with small amounts of $?

I typically see sandi2's advice for money as you should protect it by splitting accounts and legal means.
I still think you are overly focused on the WW/spoiled child thing.
She left you. Fired you as her husband. It's time to live and make decisions in that manner. Not focus on every little minute interaction.

She can't borrow against the house without my signature. If she applies for credit - it is hers.

So clarify for me here as I know laws differ from place to place. For me here every debt and form of income is community property in a legal marriage. So even if she took out credit and ran up debt while we are married I am on the hook for half when the d goes through. Same if I won the lottery with the ticket I bought. It would be split in half.
Are you saying that debt and income is seperate for you and W when you are in a legal marriage?

No the 35k in leagal fee's would happen when we need to work out a formal D, division of asset, custody arrangement of children etc.

[bigybiz]

SH:

Thanks - that's what I wanted to know - so I answered my own question.

[bigybiz]

So what do you do with a spoiled child or a WW - who is playing games with small amounts of $?

I typically see sandi2's advice for money as you should protect it by splitting accounts and legal means.
I still think you are overly focused on the WW/spoiled child thing.
She left you. Fired you as her husband. It's time to live and make decisions in that manner. Not focus on every little minute interaction.

SH - I think you are wrong in my case. It's taken me months to figure this out and I truly believe that if there is any chance for us to return to being in a MR - my W needs to feel a loss and realize that I won't put up with her nonsense. Further, she needs to see that we are moving on without her. Yes, I will have to pick my battles and choose what I think is worth fighting for. Sandi2 what do you think? But, I'm not overly focused on the spoiled child thing.

Sandi2, others? I'm particularly would like a few opinions from the ladies.

[SH_]

Good evening bigybiz.

I could be wrong.
I am only able to share my thoughts and feedback on what I see you sharing.
I sense that my feedback may not be what you want to hear nor helping.
I will back off as my hope is to share an outside perspective from what I have learned and lived.
Some food for thought as I back up.

SH - I think you are wrong in my case. It's taken me months to figure this out and I truly believe that if there is any chance for us to return to being in a MR - my W needs to feel a loss and realize that I won't put up with her nonsense.

How is she going to feel loss with so much interaction with you. Your posts tend to be about ensuring an interaction with her over minor details and they sound as if you are chastising a child, not setting boundaries, nor creating loss.
Again, I could be wrong, but this is what it appears.

Further, she needs to see that we are moving on without her. Yes, I will have to pick my battles and choose what I think is worth fighting for. Sandi2 what do you think? But, I'm not overly focused on the spoiled child thing.

Sandi2, others? I'm particularly would like a few opinions from the ladies.

Hopefully you can keep moving on without her. You may be better served by actually doing so in a manner that you beleive you are moving on without her. Once you truly believe it, then she will.
Anything less and she will sense it.
Do you think she knows how you will react when she does little things like pop in un announced, sends you an email or short changes the agreed upon finances?
A little hint on the answer, I believe I know what you are going to do, and I have only known you a short time via our virtual community.

Again, I could be wrong, but this is what it appears.

My last thought. I caution you seeking out such specific steps with everything you do with DBing. Your quest to obtain the steps that you must take to ensure the outcome that you want is not the secret to success. If there were such a formula we would all be following it.
Go back and read DR.
It says that you will need to set your goals. Set your actions. Take said actions. Step back and monitor. Keep doing what is working. Stop doing what is not.
Rinse and repeat.
And as sandi2's signature says.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Hopefully the ladies stop by and provide the feedback you are seeking and that it may benefit you for what you want to know.
I will still be here supporting you my friend, I will just back up a bit.
You have done some tremendous things and are an example for so many lbs that are dragging their feet with getting up and moving forward through the pain.
I believe you are close to being successful here. I hope that you can get past your inner self that is fighting the healthy detachment so you can get over the top.
You have demonstrated the physical ability. Once you conquer the mental aspect I sense that you will flourish and achieve great things.
Be well my friend.
I am pulling for you.

[bigybiz]

SH:

Thanks for your post. Just because we disagree does not mean you have to back up. I would like to believe that this community would encourage dialogue, especially since every situation is different and no one has the answers.

Yes, you can only respond to what you see written so you are not given the complete picture - granted I don't have the complete picture.

Also, I use this forum as a sounding board. It's far better that I get my frustrations out her than bringing them up with W.

So for the record, I zip my lip on most if not all of the issues I bring up here - as it's far better that I vent here.

Thanks for your input this far.




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