Piecing my life and M back together

[LiM]

Thanks for taking the time to lay it out for me Sandi. It seems I've made some mistakes.
I guess I DID take her back without making her doing any work. I saw her express true remorse, she agreed to a transparency plan (handed over all her passwords) and then I guess I figured we'd start working on things. We're going to MC, we're both reading R books, we're communicating like we never have before. But there was no plan and no expectations laid out to her. I don't know how I missed that. That's an epic blunder.

And I guess I did just expect her to start turning back into a normal, sane person on her own. I assumed that since I felt she was out of the fog that she would just know how to make amends on her own over time. But she clearly has NO survival plan. I see that she is treading water and I'm not quite sure how to help her.

How the hell did I miss this? I fell right into line with the 180's, GAL and detachment but I wasn't prepared for what to do if she did come back.

I did talk to her this afternoon and we got everything out in the open. But there were no lists and no ultimatums. It was done without anger. I told her that I would help her figure this out. I see that she is completely lost right now. She did go to our church this afternoon and spoke with one of the pastors wives and brought up all of the same issues (drinking, contact with OM's W, helping me heal, forgiving herself). The lady she met with has been M for over 40 years but told my W she had repeated A's during her first 15 years of M. I think she will find guidance and support there.

I do not go out and get drunk with my W. I like to have a drink or two sometimes when we go out to dinner. I was just suggesting that maybe I say that should be the only time that is should be ok for her to drink.

Blu, Thanks for chiming in. It became very clear to me that I was not detached and that I did need to take a step back and focus for on me. Thanks for the reminder.

So I'm all ears. Please offer any advice on what I can do to manage this properly going forward. What does a "plan" even look like?

[LiM]

Also, I didn't understand that transparency was also for her. I just assumed that it was for my piece of mind. I'd appreciate an explanation of how that helps her too.

Thx

[mvgfwd2]

If she knows you will see what she is doing she is less likely to do something that would upset you and therefore aid with NC and clearing the fog.

[sandi2]

If she knows you will see what she is doing she is less likely to do something that would upset you and therefore aid with NC and clearing the fog.

Exactly!

In my case, I was the WW and my H was the one who wasn't here getting the tools. If I had not been on the board, learning about transparency....I doubt I would have just started doing it. However, I was transparent with my H. He didn't ask me, but I had learned the importance.......and, I knew he would be checking my computer activity. If I had not been transparent, it would have been too easy during the withdrawal period to contact OM. So, I am a strong supporter of transparency.

[LiM]

Ok, I understand. Transparency has been the easy part of this. She has willingly given over passwords; I just haven't been good about checking on it. I will make sure I talk with her about it and discuss why its important and then make sure I follow up on it daily.

What other things should I be considering as part of a reconciliation plan? Right now, we are both going to MC and IC. We are reading lots of books on M and R's. We have both read 2 books on recovering from A's and I just received a 3rd. She has been receptive to reading them. We are going to church and she is receiving support and advice from their as well. Our church would be considered a "hospital" church so there are lots of broken people there looking to make a better life for themselves. We can probably throw a rock and hit someone that has been through what we are going through (and worse).
My W's main issue is being able to get the other couple out of her brain. She feels guilty, she feels the need to fix what she did, she's in withdrawal (grieving) from the A and she's pissed because I'm sure she feels like she got the raw end of the deal when OM confessed to his W because my W lost all access to her training community.

[sandi2]

If her therapist is worth a pinch of salt, he should be giving her guidance as to how to separate herself from this other couple. She needs solution solving guidance.

I suggest that she not know when you plan to look at her texting. I also suggest you not do it every day.

Don't talk about the other couple all the time with her. Try to have peaceful times at home.

[LiM]

Thanks Sandi,

My W's IC has told her that it is not a good idea to communicate with OM's W and has even gone so far as to tell my W that OM's W is "crazy" based on her behavior. She's been told that "normal people" don't act like this. But for whatever reason, my W hasn't been able to let it go.

After out talk the other day, I told my W that I wanted to avoid having any A talk for at least a couple of weeks. We have talking about the "hurt" almost everyday and we DO need to give it a break. We have good in our lives and a lot to be thankful for. We need to spend sometime enjoying that.
I ordered a third "how to get over the A" book and started to read it but decided to put it away for now. I need something else on my mind for a while.

Looks like I'm about to start a new thread.